Stephen Pardons Joseph Gobbles

  • Aired:  11/18/10
  •  | Views: 34,723

By the power vested in him by basic cable, Stephen grants Joseph Gobbles a complete pardon for all crimes -- past, present and future. (3:03)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT."

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

MY GOODNESS.

MY GOODNESS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO

"THE REPORT."

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

PLEASE.

FOLKS, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS STAFF

SERGEANT SAL GIUNTA.

HE'S NOT HERE TO PUSH A MOVIE.

HE'S NOT HERE TO PUSH A BOOK.

HE JUST HAPPENS TO BE THE FIRST

LIVING RECIPIENT OF THE MEDAL OF

HONOR SINCE THE VIETNAM WAR.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

AND IT IS MY HONOR TO HAVE HIM

HERE TONIGHT, AND JUST THIS ONCE

I WILL FORGIVE YOU IF YOU

APPLAUD FOR HIM MORE THAN ME.

( LAUGHTER )

BUT JUST THIS ONCE.

NATION, THIS IS OUR LAST SHOW

BEFORE THANKSGIVING.

MAGICAL TIME OF YEAR WHEN

FAMILIES ACROSS THE COUNTRY

GATHERED TOGETHER TO RAISE

AMERICA'S OBESITY STATISTICS.

PERSONALLY I LOVE THANKSGIVING

TRADITIONS, WATCHING FOOTBALL,

MAKING PUMPKIN PIE AND SAYING

THE MAGIC PHRASE THAT SENDS YOUR

AUNT STORMING OUT OF THE DINING

ROOM TO SIT IN HER CAR.

THIS YEAR THE MAGIC PHRASE IS:

THERE'S SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH

WINE.

TRY IT.

IT WILL WORK.

NOW, ONE OF THE RITUALS I

ESPECIALLY ENJOY IS THE ANNUAL

PRESIDENTIAL TURKEY PARDON,

WHERE THE PRESIDENT GRANTS A

STAY OF EXECUTION TO ONE SPECIAL

BIRD.

I ASSUME IT'S TO THE TURKEY WHO

DONATED THE MOST TO HIS

CAMPAIGN.

WELL, PRESIDENT OBAMA IS GOING

TO PARDON HIS TURKEY NEXT WEEK,

AND I WILL NOT BE

OUTMERCIFULLED.

SO BRING HIM OUT, BOYS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, "THE

COLBERT REPORT'S" 02010

THANKSGIVING TURKEY, JOSEF

GOBBLES.

( LAUGHTER )

IT IS NICE TO DARK "MEAT" YOU,

JOE.

THAT'S TURKEY HUMOR.

TONIGHT'S YOUR LUCKY NIGHT

BECAUSE BY THE POWER VESTED IN

ME BY BASIC CABLE, I HEREBY

GRANT TO YOU A FULL AND COMPLETE

PARDON FOR ALL YOUR CRIMES PAST,

PRESENT AND FUTURE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

AND SO OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF MY

HEART, MY FAMILY WILL INSTEAD

DEVOUR ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS.

GOOD LUCK.

GOOD LUCK, JOE, OR AS YOUR

PEOPLE

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