Stephen Colbert Is Watching Your Kids - Whale Bone Porn

  • Aired:  03/26/13
  •  | Views: 21,508

Thanks to the Vancouver Maritime Museum, youngsters are going to head to the wharves for porn instead of the Internet. (3:18)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANKS SOP.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE SAID THIS MANY TIMES.

IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW YOU KNOW IT.

I BELIEVE THAT CHILDREN ARE OUR MOST PRECIOUS RESOURCE.

THAT'S WHY I ADVOCATE PLANTING TEN NEW ONES FOR EVERY ONE WE HARVEST.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M ALWAYS ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THREATS TO OUR CHILDREN.

WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT I'M INTRODUCING MY NEW SEGMENT "STEPHEN COLBERT IS WATCHING

YOUR KIDS!"

[LAUGHTER]

ONE OF THE BIGGEST THREATS TO OUR OUR YOUNGLINGS IS EXPOSURE TO INDECENT MATERIAL.

SO I WAS APPALLED TO HEAR ABOUT A FILTHY MUSEUM EXHIBIT IN CANADA.

SEE, THE VANCOUVER MARITIME MUSEUM HAS A NEW EXHIBIT CALLED "TATTOOS AND SCRIMSHAW: THE ART

OF THE SAILOR," WHICH FEATURES NINE EROTIC ENGRAVINGS MADE ON THE TEETH OF SPERM WHALES IN THE

19th CENTURY, OR AS ONE CONCERNED PARENT CALLS IT "WHALE BONE PORN"!

INCIDENTALLY, TO GET YOUR WHALE BONE PORN NAME, TAKE A NAME FROM THE FIRST LINE OF YOUR

FAVORITE WHALING NOVEL AND COMBINE IT WITH YOUR FAVORITE DISH AT RED LOBSTER.

SO MY WHALE BONE PORN NAME IS "ISHMAEL UNLIMITED SHRIMP."

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE TURN TO CTV NEWS, CANADA'S WHALE PORN NEWS LEADER.

>> VANCOUVER'S MARITIME MUSEUM WANTED TO SHOW WHAT SAILORS ON WHALING SHIPS OFTEN LONG FOR

WHEN FAR FROM HOME BUT THE TATTOOS AND SAILING EXHIBITS SHOWED A LITTLE TOO MUCH FOR ONE MOTHER.

WHALE EROTICA THAT ANN PIMENTEL SAYS SHE SHOULD'VE BEEN WARNED ABOUT.

>> I WAS APPALLED.

I HAD MY TWO SONS WITH ME IT WASN'T ON THEIR WEBSITE.

THERE WERE NO SIGNS WHEN I PURCHASED THE TICKETS FOR MY FAMILY.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, IF CHILDREN SEE THIS HARPOON-TANG IT WILL GIVE THEM IDEAS.

[LAUGHTER]

THAR SHE BLOWS!

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, INSTEAD OF GOING THROUGH THE HASSLE OF FINDING NAKED PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET,

YOUNGSTERS ARE SIMPLY GOING TO SIMPLY HEAD TO THE WHARVES, SIGN UP FOR A TWO-YEAR WHALING

EXPEDITION, HARPOON A HUMPBACK, RENDER ITS BLUBBER INTO LAMP OIL, AND THEN SPEND THE

NEXT TWO MONTHS PAINSTAKINGLY CARVING EROTIC IMAGERY INTO THE WHALE'S BLEACHED BONES, JUST SO

THEY CAN GET THEIR ROCKS OFF.

SO PARENTS, BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR STRANGE BEHAVIOR.

THE NEXT TIME JUNIOR'S IN THE BATHROOM TOO LONG, KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND SHOUT, "WHAT ARE YOU

DOING IN THERE, YOUNG MAN?

ARE YOU ENGAGING IN THE ANCIENT MARITIME ART OF SCRIMSHAW?

OH NO?

THEN WHY DID I FIND THIS BOTTLE OF 19th CENTURY TOBACCO JUICE THAT WHALERS USED TO DARKEN

THEIR ENGRAVINGS UNDER YOUR MATTRESS?

ANSWER ME!"

[LAUGHTER]

AND PARENTS, IF YOU HAVE A COLLECTION OF WHALE-BONE PORNOGRAPHY OF YOUR OWN, MAKE

SURE IT'S PASSWORD-PROTECTED.

DON'T USE QUEEQUEG-- WAY TOO OBVIOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.