Australian Sperm Shortage

  • Aired:  05/11/10
  •  | Views: 45,093

Stephen's Formula 401: G'Day Egg! was formulated in the bathroom of an Outback Steakhouse. (2:59)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NATION, NORMALLY, YOU KNOW, I DON'T CARE ABOUT AUSTRALIA.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, IT'S JUST A GODFORSAKEN ISLAND INFESTED WITH CRIMINALS AND

CREATURES DESIGNED TO TRICK ME INTO LIKING BEARS.

OH, HE'S SO CUTE.

LOOK AT HIS LITTLE FACE AND HIS FUZZY EARS.

BITE IT, BITE IT!

JIMMY, QUICK, MAKE HIM SCARY.

[ROARS]

THAT'S BETTER.

BUT, FOLKS, THERE'S A TRAGEDY THAT'S UNFOLDING DOWN UNDER THAT EVEN I CAN'T IGNORE.

THE COUNTRY IS EXPERIENCING A SPERM SHORTAGE.

WHAT HAPPENED, AUSTRALIA?

DID A DINGO STEAL YOUR BABY BATTER?

[LAUGHTER]

APPARENTLY THIS MAN DROUGHT IS DUE THE A NEW LAW THAT ALL SPERM DONORS MUST PROVIDE IDENTIFYING

INFORMATION SO THE CHILD CAN CONTACT THEM ONCE THEY REACH 18.

I UNDERSTAND WHY MEN HAVE STOPPED DONATING.

IT'S JUST TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY.

SOMETIMES A GUY JUST WANTS TO SPEND A CRAZY AFTERNOON IN A STERILE ROOM WITH PLASTIC CUP.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD THAT AUSTRALIANS ARE TURNING TO THE UNITED STATES WHERE SOME CLINICS

ARE PAYING OVER $700 PER VILE OF AMERICAN SPERM.

SO ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS,

AN AVERAGE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT COULD BE PULLING DOWN AN EXTRA $80,000 A WEEK.

BUT FACE IT, YEAH, LET'S FACE IT, AUSTRALIA, YOU'RE REALLY

ROLLING THE DICE WHEN YOU'RE NOT BUYING CELEBRITY-ENDORSED SEMEN.

THANKFULLY FOR YEARS I'VE BEEN MARKETING MY OWN PREMIUM MAN

SEED, STEPHEN COLBERT'S FORMULA 401.

EACH BATCH FEATURES OLD-WORLD CRAFTSMANSHIP USING TECHNIQUES THAT HAVE REMAINED UNCHANGED FOR CENTURIES.

AND FORTUNATELY FOR AUSTRALIA, I HAVE PRODUCED A SPECIAL AUSSIE VERSION, FORMULA 401 G'DAY.

[SPEAKING AS CROCODILE DUNDEE:]

THAT'S NOT A SPERM SAMPLE.

THIS IS A SPERM SAMPLE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THIS SPECIAL BATCH OF CROC JUICE WAS FORMED IN THE BATHROOM OF AN OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE.

THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT A BLOOMING ONION THAT REALLY MAKES MY DIDGERI-DOO.

NOW, FOLKS...

[APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, THIS KANGA-GOO HAS A FULL MONEYBACK GUARANTEE, SO ORDER NOW AND THROW ANOTHER SHRIMP IN

THE BARBARA.

REMEMBER...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FORMULA||||

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