Award to the Wise

  • Aired:  05/11/11
  •  | Views: 29,245

Stephen competes with the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and 'Equitrekking' for a Daytime Emmy. (2:56)

EVERYBODY.

NATION, FOLKS, YOU MAY HAVE

NOTICED THAT MY TEETH ARE A

LITTLE BIT WHITER, MY SKIN A

LITTLE SPRAY TANNER AND MY BOSOM

IS VISIBLY HEAFIMY RALLY TO RESTORE SANI

OR FEAR WAS NOMINATED FOR FOUR

DAYTIME EMMYS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OF COURSE, FOLKS, OF COURSE,

EVERYBODY KNOWS THE DAYTIME EMMY

IS THE BEST EMMY.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHERE THE REAL ARTISTS

ARE.

BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT DOING IT

FOR THE TKPWHREULTS, THE --

GLITZ, THE GLAMOUR, EVEN THE

RESPECT OF THE AUDIENCE.

THEY ARE DOING IT BECAUSE IT

BEATS PORN.

I HAVE GOT THE MOST COVETED

DEMOGRAPHIC, 70-80-YEAR-OLD

RETIREES, KIDS HOME FROM SCHOOL

AND HOUSE PETS THAT ACCIDENTALLY

STEPPED ON THE REMOTE CONTROL.

FOUR NOMINATIONS.

THAT'S JUST TWO NOMINATIONS LESS

THAN DAYTIME EMMY JUGGERNAUT

TRANSFORMERS PRIME.

THE MOST HONORED AFTERNOON

CARTOON BESIDES STUDIO B WITH

SHEPHERD SMITH.

THAT HAS TO BE CGI.

THOSE EYES ARE LIFELESS.

MY RALLY AND THIS IS TRUE IS UP

AGAINST THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING

DAY PARADE.

THAT'S RIGHT I'M COMPLETING WITH

THREE-STORY SPONGE BOB, THE

GREEN VALLEY HIGH SCHOOL

MARCHING BAND AND SANTA CLAUS.

I TOLD JON STEWART TO BOOK SANTA

BUT HE SAID CAT STEVENS WAS

CLOSE ENOUGH.

EVEN WORSE, I'M UP AGAINST THE

PREMIERE HORSEBACK RIDING TRAVEL

SHOW SAY IT WITH ME EQUITREKKING

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY IT WITH ME?

[LAUGHTER]

IT IS BY FAR THE BEST SADDLED

MOUNTED TRAVEL SHOW.

[LAUGHTER]

EVEN BETTER THAN THE TRAVEL

CHANNEL'S PACK MULE YACHTING.

[LAUGHTER]

ANYWAY, OBVIOUSLY I'M GOING TO

GO TO THE CEREMONIES, I JUST

HOPE I'M NOT A PER REN YELL

LOSER LIKE ALL MY CHILDREN'S

SUSAN LUCCI.

THAT WOULD TRIGGER MY MULTIPLE

PERSONALITY.

♪ ♪

I'VE GOT TO WIN.

>> DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP,

STEPHEN.

IF YOU DON'T WIN BRENDA WILL

LEAVE YOU FOR KYLE.

>> Stephen: BRENDA.

>> DUN DUN.

>> Stephen: YOU ARE GOING TO

LOSE OH, AND YOU'RE HAVING MY

BABY.

BABY!

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE UP I'M

GOING TO WIN.

SHUT UP KYLE!

I NEED THIS DAYTIME WIN.

EVERY YEAR AT THE PRIMETIME

EMMYS I LOSE TO "THE DAILY

SHOW".

>>

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