Stephen Colbert's Bats**t Serious - Bullet Conspiracy Theory

  • Aired:  05/06/13
  •  | Views: 25,182

The government stocks up on 1.6 billion rounds of ammunition, so Senator James Inhofe introduces a bill to restrict the government's bullet hoarding. (7:09)

ENDING.

FOLKS, I HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT

WEEKEND.

I DID.

I SPENT IT AT THE BIG ANNUAL

N.R.A. MEETING IN HOUSTON,

TEXAS.

NOT TO BE CONFUSED...

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

YES, THE ANNUAL N.R.A. MEETING

IN HOUSTON TEXAS NOT TO BE

CONFUSED WITH THE DAILY N.R.A.

MEETING THAT IS HOUSTON, TEXAS.

AND THIS YEAR'S THEME WAS

ACCESSORIES.

LIKE PINK ASSAULT RIFLES AND BRA

HOLSTERS.

NOW, FELLOWS CAN BRAG ABOUT

GETTING TO SECOND AMENDMENT.

ONE THING I HER REPEATEDLY DOWN

THERE THIS WEEKEND IS THAT OBAMA

IS COMING FOR OUR GUNS.

NOW I'M NOT ONE TO BELIEVE IN

FAROUT CONSPIRACY THEORIES

PROBABLY BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT

IMPLANTED A CHIP IN MY BRAIN

THAT CONTROLS MY THOUGHTS.

BUT, FOLKS, I'VE HAD MY EYES

OPENED TO SOME DISTURBING TRUTHS

THAT RAISE TROUBLING QUESTIONS

LIKE, "WHAT DID THEY KNOW?

WHEN DID THEY KNOW IT?

AND WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEW

SEGMENT EXPOSING VAST GOVERNMENT

CONSPIRACIES, STEPHEN COLBERT'S

BAT [BLEEP] SERIOUS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

NOW, FOLKS, I'VE WANTED TO DO

THIS SEGMENT FOR A LONG TIME.

BUT I HAVEN'T.

WHY NOT?

WE'LL LOOK INTO THAT NEXT TIME.

BUT TONIGHT'S TOPIC: ARE THEY

COMING AFTER OUR GUNS?

NO.

THEY'RE COMING AFTER OUR

BULLETS.

>> WHY IS THE DEPARTMENT OF

HOMELAND SECURITY USING ROUGHLY

A THOUSAND ROUNDS OF AMMUNITION

MORE PER PERSON THAN THE U.S.

ARMY?

>> YOU HAVE A HOMELAND SECURITY

DEPARTMENT THAT'S STOCK PILING

AMMUNITION AND KIND OF NOT

TELLING US WHY.

WE DON'T TRUST THEM.

>> THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND

SECURITY IS PURCHASING 1.6

BILLION ROUNDS OF AMMUNITION.

>> THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND

SECURITY DID BUY 1.6 BILLION

ROUNDS OF AMMUNITION.

>> Stephen: 1.6 BILLION ROUNDS?

WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO DO?

FILM A QUINTIN TARANTINO MOVIE?

NATION, FOLLOW ME DOWN THE

RABBIT HOLE.

IF IT EVEN IS A RABBIT AND NOT A

GROUND HOG IN A COSTUME.

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT'S

SUSPICIOUS AMMO HOARDING WAS

FIRST NOTICED BY VIGILANT ONLINE

CONSPIRACY FORUMS BEFORE IT WAS

PICKED UP BY CONSERVATIVE RADIO

HOSTS AND THEN EVENTUALLY MADE

ITS WAY OUT TO THE FARTHEST

FRINGE ELEMENTS OF OUR SOCIETY,

CONGRESS.

JIM?

>> 360,000.

THAT'S HOW MANY ROUNDS OF

HOLLOW-POINT AMMUNITION THE

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

PLANS TO BUY.

IT'S ALREADY BOUGHT MORE THAN

TWO BILLION.

CONGRESS DEMANDING ANSWERS AS TO

WHY THEY NEED ALL THOSE BULLETS.

CAN SOMEONE ANSWER, PLEASE?

HELLO!

>> Stephen: PLEASE?

HELLO?

WHO'S THERE?

DOLORES?

GET ME KLONDIKE 6-4,000.

THIS ISN'T EVEN ATTACHED TO

ANYTHING.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

NOW, FOLKS, LEADING...

LEADING... LEADING.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

LEADING THE CONGRESSIONAL CHARGE

IS SENATOR JAMES INHOFE, IF THIS

IS JAMES INHOFE AND NOT A GROUND

HOG IN A COSTUME.

SENATOR GROUND-HOFE HERE

RECENTLY INTRODUCED A BILL THAT

WOULD BAN FEDERAL AGENCIES FROM

BUYING MORE AMMUNITION IF IT

CURRENTLY POSSESSES MORE THAN

ITS MONTHLY AVERAGES DURING THE

BUSH ADMINISTRATION.

YES, NOT INCLUDING THE AMMO THAT

ENDED UP IN THE FACES OF THE

FRIENDS OF DICK CHENEY.

FOLKS, I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S A

SAD STORY.

ISN'T IT?

I KNOW, I KNOW.

IT'S SO SAD.

HE WAS FINE.

FOLKS, SENATOR INHOG'S BILL

COULDN'T HAVE COME AT A BETTER

TIME BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME VERY

DISTURBING THEORIES AS TO WHY

THE GOVERNMENT WANTS ALL THAT

AMMO.

>> SOME PREDICT A GOVERNMENT

ARMS RACE AGAINST AMERICANS.

>> I SUSPECT THAT JUST IN CASE

OUR FISCAL SITUATION, OUR

MONETARY SITUATION COLLAPSES,

AND FOLLOWING IT THE CIVIL

SOCIETY COLLAPSES, THAT IS THE

RULE OF LAW, THAT THEY WANT TO

BE PREPAREDDED.

THERE IS NO OTHER EXPLANATION

FOR THIS.

>> Stephen: YES.

THERE'S NO OTHER EXPLANATION.

I MEAN, THE GOVERNMENT IS BUYING

UP AMMO SO THAT FOLLOWING THE

ECONOMIC COLLAPSE, THEY CAN

OUTGUN THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

AND THEY NEED IT BECAUSE RIGHT

NOW ALL THEY'VE GOT AREƱr TANKS,

AIRPLANES, HELICOPTERS, PREDATOR

DRONES, NUCLEAR MISSILES, AND

LASER CANNONS.

BUT IF I GET MY HAND ON A BOX OF

SHOTGUN SHELLS, IT IS GO TIME,

UNCLE FATTY.

OH, AND THERE'S ONLY OTHER ONLY

ONE EXPLANATION FOR THE

GOVERNMENT BUYING ALL THIS AMMO.

>> SUB TER FUSION.

THE REGIME IS BUYING UP ALL

THE AMMO SO THAT THE GUNS THAT

YOU DO HAVE ARE USELESS.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

IF OBAMA CAN'T TAKE OUR GUNS,

HE'LL MAKE SURE YOU CAN'T PUT

ANYTHING IN THEM.

AFTER THAT, HE'S GOING TO COME

AFTER RUSH BY BUYING UP ALL THE

HOOKERS AND CANNED FROSTING.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

NOW, FOLKS, A LOT OF NEWS

OUTLETS INCLUDING FOX NEWS SAY

THAT THEY HAVE DEBUNKED THE

BULLET CONSPIRACY THEORY, BUT I

SAY IT'S ALREADY STARTED.

BECAUSE OUT OF FEAR OF

GOVERNMENT HOARDING, AMMO SALES

HAVE SKYROCKETED MAKING IT

HARDER TO FIND AMMO WHICH CAN

ONLY MEAN THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS

HOARDING IT WHICH MEANS WE HAVE

TO BUY MORE AMMO BEFORE THE

GOVERNMENT GETS IT ALL BUT

THERE'S NONE LEFT BECAUSE WE

BOUGHT IT.

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S TOO LATE.

THE FEDS ALREADY HAVE US

OUTGUNNED.

WELL, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE

ME ALIVE.

[BLEEP] I'M OUT OF AMMO.

I'M STILL ALIVE AND RICH AND

HAPPY.

YOU WIN THIS ROUND, OBAMA.

IF THAT IS YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT'S

BAT [BLEEP] SERIOUS.

JOIN ME NEXT TIME WHEN I ASK THE

QUESTION, DID BIG FOOT HELP LEE

HARVEY OSWALD BUILD STONE HENGE?

WE'LL BE RIGHT