The Bachelor

  • Aired:  03/07/13
  •  | Views: 29,584

What girl wouldn't want to be with an eligible hunk who has a successful career as a contestant from last season's "Bachelorette?" (6:07)

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS, YOU KNOW, THE SEQUESTER CONTINUES BUT PAUL RYAN AND THE PRESIDENT MET TODAY FOR LUNCH TO

HAMMER OUT A POSSIBLE DEFICIT DEAL BEFORE THE LOOMING CONTINUED BUDGET RESOLUTION VOTE

ON MARCH 27.

[LAUGHTER]

SHUT UP.

[LAUGHTER]

SHUT UP YOU STUPID BORING NEWS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU, FOLKS.

OLD STEVE WITH A C IS TIRED.

IT'S MY LAST SHOW BEFORE A TWO-WEEK BREAK.

I'M BARELY HOLDING IT TOGETHER.

CARDS ON THE TABLE I COULD GIVE TWO (bleep) ABOUT THE NOISE RIGHT NOW.

-- ABOUT THE NEWS RIGHT NOW.

NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH 1.5 (bleep) TOPS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT?

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT?

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE BACHELOR.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE THAT SHOW.

I LOVE THAT SHOW.

I MEAN I JUST -- EVERY TIME I WATCH IT IT'S JUST DADDY TIME, YOU KNOW?

I POUR MYSELF A GLASS OF CHARDONNAY AND I AM OFF TO A LAND OF ROMANCE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND, LOOK, DON'T BE A HATER BECAUSE IN 16 SEASONS --

[LAUGHTER]

-- 16 SEASONS ONE GUY HAS GOTTEN MARRIED TO THE RUNNER UP AFTER HE INITIALLY PROPOSED TO A

DIFFERENT GIRL.

SO THE SYSTEM WORKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MMMMM, OH.

AND HOW GREAT IS SEAN?

JIMMY, JIMMY, HOW GREAT IS SEAN?

YES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT GIRL WOULDN'T WANT TO BE WITH AN ELIGIBLE HUNK WHO HAS A SUCCESSFUL CAREER AS A

CONTESTANT FROM LAST SEASON'S BACHELORETTE.

WHAT WITH HIM BEING A BORN AGAIN VIRGIN?

HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?

I'M SORRY BUT ONCE YOU'VE DONE IT, YOU'VE DONE I. YOU CAN'T REPOP THE CAP ON A SNAPPLE.

I LEARNED THAT ON A SNAPPLE CAP.

I GUESS -- I DON'T KNOW -- I GUESS.

AM I RIGHT?

I GUESS YOU VOW THE NEXT TIME YOU DO IT YOU'LL BE TERRIBLE AND AWKWARD LIKE FLAILING AND

PANICKED LIKE A DEER TRAPPED IN A MINIVAN.

GET ME YOU OF -- OUT OF HERE!

I HAVE TO ADMIRE HIS MORAL COMMITMENT TO STAY CHASTE AND MERELY TONGUE DOWN 20 WOMEN IN

ONE NIGHT LIKE GOD INTENDED.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR MONDAY'S FINALE.

THE LAST ROSE CEREMONY WAS MOST DRAMATIC YET.

MY FAVORITE PART WAS THE FULL MINUTE OF EMOTIONALLY CHARGED STARING.

♪ ♪

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

♪ ♪

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: AFTER SEEING THIS ARE YOU TELLING ME I CAN RAKE IN 9 MILLION VIEWERS JUST BY

STARING AT A COUPLE OF PEOPLE FOR A WHOLE MINUTE?

THEN I KNOW HOW I'M CHOOSING TONIGHT'S GUEST.

PLEASE WELCOME OUR FINALIST NYU PRESIDENT AND AUTHOR OF BIRDHOUSE WITHIN DOUGIE ST.

JAMES.

GENTLEMAN.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

ONE OF YOU -- ONE OF YOU WILL BE MY GUEST TONIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE OTHER -- THE OTHER WILL BE GOING HOME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS -- THIS IS SO HARD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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