This Changes Everything - Obama's Martian Gayness

  • Aired:  10/11/12
  •  | Views: 36,767

Rumors of President Obama's secret gay Martian past emanate from a top-secret government space teleportation program. (7:37)

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO CLEARLY THE DEBATE -- THE WHOLE THING IS MEANINGLESS UNTIL RYAN WINS.

POINT IS, EVERYTHING ABOUT OBAMA IS SUSPICIOUS.

UNFORTUNATELY, NOT AS SUSPICIOUS AS IT USED TO BE.

IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS, WE HAD A NEW OBAMA SCANDAL EVERY WEEK.

HE WAS A SECRET MUSLIM; WASN'T BORN IN AMERICA; DOESN'T HAVE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE; AND WAS TRAINED BY

JOSEPH STALIN, JEREMIAH WRIGHT, AND GENERAL GRIEVOUS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S LIKE WE'VE RUN OUT OF WAYS TO MAKE OBAMA SEEM LIKE A MENACING "OTHER." UNTIL TONIGHT.

FOLKS, THE REPORT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE IS SO EXPLOSIVE, THAT IF YOU'RE NOT WEARING SOCKS, PLEASE GO PUT SOME ON.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BLOW YOUR FEET OFF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JIM?

I'VE BEEN A FIGHTER PIE LOT.

I'VE RUN FOR PRESIDENT.

I'VE BEEN AN ASTRONAUT.

I'VE FOUGHT A MINATAUR.

I'VE SEEN THINGS THAT WOULD BLOW YOUR MIND.

BUT THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.

ON TONIGHT'S EDITION OF THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.

YOU'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT OBAMA.

I THINK PRESIDENT OBAMA IS DANGEROUS.

>> HE'S A SOCIALIST WHO BELIEVES IN THE REDISTRIBUTION OF WEALTH.

>> HE DOESN'T BELIEVE THERE'S A FUNDAMENTAL RIGHT TO HAVE A HANDGUN.

>> HE STUDIED THE KORAN AT A MUSLIM SCHOOL.

>> HE WILL KILL US ALL.

>> STEPHEN: BUT WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO HEAR WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING.

FROM DEEP INSIDE LONG-TERM PARKING IN PORTLAND, OREGON, ONE BRAVE PATRIOT IS ABOUT TO EXPOSE THE TRUTH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> MY NAME IS ANDREW.

I'M A LAWYER IN PRIVATE PRACTICE IN WASHINGTON STATE.

I HAVE A INJUREIS DOCTOR.

>> STEPHEN: OKAY.

>> I EARNED A BACHELOR SCIENCE OF ADVANCED MATH AND OPERATIONS RESEARCH.

>> STEPHEN: GREAT.

>> I EARNED TWO ADDITIONAL GRADUATE DEGREES IN ENVIRONMENTAL LAW AND PLANNING.

>> STEPHEN: ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?

ANYTHING?

>> I WAS THE FIRST AMERICAN CHILD TO TELEPORT.

TELEPORT.

>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT IN 1967, ANDREW WAS THE FIRST OF OVER 100 CHILDREN ENROLLED IN PROJECT PEGA SOCIAL SECURITY THE

TOP SECRET SPACE TIME PROGRAM.

>> I TELEPORTED I ESTIMATE APPROXIMATELY 40 TIMES BETWEEN NEW JERSEY AND NEW MEXICO IN THREE SECONDS.

>> STEPHEN: BUT THE JUMP ROOM LATER TELEPORTED HIM FURTHER.

>> THE LOCATION THEY WERE TAKING US TO WAS MARS.

>> STEPHEN: THE RED PLANET AND WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR WHO ANDREW TRAVELED WITH.

>> ABOUT A BARACK H. OBAMA.

>> STEPHEN: THE PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES.

>> SEVERAL TIME IS I WENT TO MARS WITH HIM AND WAS PRESENT ON THE SURFACE WITH HIM AND OTHERS.

>> STEPHEN: MEANING OBAMA HAS A SECRET MARTIAN PAST.

A SECRET PAST PROTECTED BY A CONSPIRACY OF SILENCE THAT GOES ALL THE WAY TO THE E.P.A. AND DESK OF CAROL BROWNER, FORMER

HEAD OF E.P.A., OBAMA'S FRIEND AND CLIMATE CZAR.

>> I RAN THE E.P.A. FOR 8 YEARS.

I WORKED WITH THE BEST SCIENTISTS IN THE WORLD.

TELEPORTATION IS NOT CLEAR -- REAL.

>> STEPHEN: REALLY.

WE FOUND AN EXPERT WHO BACKS UP HIS CLAIM.

>> ARE YOU ROLL SOMETHING IN PLEASE ROLL.

>> STEPHEN: CAPTAIN PLEASE EXPLAIN.

>> YOU HAVE AN ELECTRICAL TODAY IN YOU'LL THAT IS EMANATING ENERGY.

YOU PUT A MOLE KUHL HERE.

-- MOLECULE HERE.

YOU HAVE A NODULE OF THE OPPOSITE POSITIVE NEGATIVE.

THAT MOL COAL GOES -- MOLECULE GOES -- LIKE YOU KNOW HOW YOU SEND, YOU PRESS SEND AND YOU ARE --

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE MOLECULE APPEARS ON THE OTHER NODULE.

>> STEPHEN: WE KNOW TELEPORTATION IS REAL.

AS FOR ANDREW'S CLAIM THAT OBAMA PARTICIPATED IN THE MARS PROGRAM.

THAT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED BY SOMEONE WHO WAS THERE, ANDREW.

>> AT ONE POINT DURING THE SUMMER HE WAS MY ROOM MATE.

AND YOU DON'T FORGET YOUR ROOMMATE WHEN YOU ARE ENROLLED IN A SECRET SPACE PROGRAM FOR THE C.I.A.

>> STEPHEN: NO, YOU DON'T FORGET YOUR ROOMMATE.

WHY WON'T OBAMA ADMIT HIS AND HIS ROOMMATE'S SECRET MARTIAN PAST?

FOR ANSWERS WE TURNED TO THE INVESTIGATOR AND AUTHOR OF "WHERE IS THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

".

I SAT DOWN FOR AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH HIM BY WATCHING A VIDEO HE POSTED ON YOUTUBE.

>> SURPRISINGLY IN A BUNCH PICTURES EVERYONE HAS SEEN OF OBAMA WHEN HE WAS IN COLLEGE HE WAS WEARING A WEDDING RING.

>> STEPHEN: BUT WHY?

>> THIS SAY HOMOSEXUAL SYMBOL FOR WOMEN STAY AWAY BECAUSE HE'S MARRIED TO HIS ROOMMATE BOYFRIEND.

>> STEPHEN: THE ONLY POSSIBLE CONCLUSION, OWE BALMA WAS GAY MARRIED TO ANDREW ON MARS.

YES, MARS.

A PLANET NAMED FOR THE MOST FABULOUS OF THE GODS.

AND ONE THAT THE GAYS HAVE BEEN OPENLY SINGING ABOUT FOR YEARS.

♪ MARS AIN'T THE KIND OF PLACE TO RAISE A KID ♪ ♪ IS THERE LIFE ON MARS ♪

>> STEPHEN: WHICH EXPLAINS WHY NASA NAMED THE MARS ROVER CURIOSITY.

>> I THINK IT'S SOMETHING PRESIDENT OBAMA SHOULD BE PROUD OF AND REVEAL TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

>> STEPHEN: I CONFRONTED OBAMA'S EXOA EXEERTOR WITH THE EVIDENCE OF HIS SPACE GAYNESS.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE DONE WITH THIS INTERVIEW YOU'VE ALL THE RIDICULOUS QUESTIONS YOU ARE GOING TO ASK OF ME.

I'M DONE.

I'M NOT ANSWERING ANYMORE.

THANK YOU.

>> STEPHEN: YEAH, HE'S SPACE GAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND NOW THAT THAT IS IN THE OPEN, WHO KNOWS WHAT OTHER HIDDEN SECRET OF AMAZING LONG DISTANCE TRAVEL WILL BE REVEALED NEXT.

>> PRICELINE.COM.

GIVES YOU THE GREAT DEALS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT IS ANOTHER FACT BUT THAT'S NOT HIDDEN.

THAT IS PROMOTED.

THAT IS -- WE DESIRE THE AUDIENCE TO KNOW.

PRICELINE D.T. -- PRICELINE.COM IS A DEAL.

>> STEPHEN: WILL THE FACT THAT BARACK OBAMA IS A GAY-STRANAUT EFFECT THE ELECTION?

IT'S TOO SOON TO TELL.

ONE THING WE DO KNOW IS THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.

>> I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG BEGUN LONG TIME.

THE TOUCHDOWN BRINGS ME ROUND TO FIND.

♪ ♪ I'M NOT THE MAN THEY THINK I AM AT ALL OH, NO I'M A ROCKET MAN ♪ ♪ ROCKET MAN BURN

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