Tip/Wag - Hopped-Up Pops, Starbucks & American Consumers

  • Aired:  11/20/13
  •  | Views: 23,056

A father's cocaine habit may have a positive effect on his sons, China accuses Starbucks of price gouging, and Stephen calls on Americans to step up their spending. (5:04)

FOLKS,UB I'M NOT ONE TO SIT INJUDGMENT.

I PREFER TO JUMP UP AND DOWN INJUDGMENT.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OFTHE FINGER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

FIRST UP, FOLKS, JUST SECONDSAGO I THINK I MADE IT CLEAR, I'M

NO FAN OF DRUG ADDICTS.

JUST THINKING ABOUT THEM MAKESME SO ANGRY I NEED ANOTHER

XANAX.

THAT'S WHY I WAS HIGH ON LIFEWHEN I LEARNED WITH A NEW STUDY

FROM THE UNIVERSITY OFPENNSYLVANIA THAT FOUND A

FATHER'S COCAINE USE MAKES HISSONS LESSENSITIVE TO THE DRUG,

AND THEREBY MORE LIKELY TORESIST ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS.

WHICH MEANS IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ACRIPPLING COCAINE ADDICTION, BE

SURE TO THANK YOUR DAD.

SEE IF YOU CAN FIND HIM.

HE'S PROBABLY GIVING OUT HANDIESAT THE BUS STATION.

( LAUGHTER )THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A TIP OF

MY HAT TO HOPPED-UP POPS.

CONGRATULATIONS.

( APPLAUSE )YOU HAVE FINALLY--

( CHEERS )YOU HAVE FINALLY-- YOU HAVE

FINALLY EARNED THAT FATHER OFTHE YEAR MUG YOU STOLE FROM THE

HALLMARK STORE AFTER BITING THECASHIER.

RESEARCHERS FOUND THAT COCAINECAUSES D.N.A. ALTERATIONS IN

SPERM IN WHICH THE CHANGES ARETRANSMITTED TO MALES IN THE NEXT

GENERATION, MEANING COCAINEADDICTION SKIPS A GENERATION,

LIKE BALDNESS.

BUT IF YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH TOAVOID BALDNESS, REMEMBER, YOU

CAN SELL YOUR HAIR FOR COKE.

SO THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE A DUDEDO A BUMP OFF A TOILET SEAT AT A

STRIP CLUB, JUST SAY TOYOURSELF, "THAT GUY'S GOING TO

MAKE A GREAT DAD."

NEXT UP, FOLKS, I AM NO FAN OFAMERICA'S GLOBAL ARCHNEMESIS AND

PRIMARY INVESTOR CHINA.

THEY ARE SO SMUG WITH THEIRSURGING ECONOMY, THEIR WALL

VISIBLE FROM SPACE, AND THEIRSEEMINGLYLESS ENDs SUPPLY OF

LUCKY NUMBERS.

( LAUGHTER )BUT FINALLY, FINALLY, AMERICAN

CULTURE IS STRIKING BACK.

>> STARBUCKS IS FACING SCRUTINYIN CHINA THIS WEEK BECAUSE STATE

MEDIA IS ACCUSING IT OFOVERPRICING.

$4.50 FOR A MEDIUM-SIZED LATTE,ROUGHLY A THIRD MORE THAN IN THE

UNITED STATES.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

OUR COLD WAR HAS ESCALATED INTOA CRISE SO HOT, YOU NEED ONE OF

THOSE CARD BOARD THINGS TO HOLDIT.

SO I'M GIVING A TIP OF THE HATTO STARBUCKS FOR FINDING A WAY

TO STICK IT TO THE CHINESE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

WE'VE CALLED OUT THE CHINESE ONONE HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION AFTER

ANOTHER WITH NO RESPONSE.

BUT TO CRANK UP THE PRIVACY ANO-FOAM MATCHIATO, AND THE

GOVERNMENT RELEASES A 20-MINUTEBROADCAST CALLED-- AND THIS IS

TRUE-- "STARBUCKS, EXPENSIVE INCHINA."

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FOLLOW-UPFILM-- ""DUNKIN' DONUTS: WHEN

THE HELL ARE THEY SELLING TUNASANDWICHES.

WHAT'S BEHIND THE BULL MARKET INTHE CHINA COFFEE SHOP?

ACCORDING TO STOOSHZ ITS HIGHERCOST COMES FROM SUCH FACTORS AS

LABOR AND INGREDIENTS.

OF COURSE INGREDIENTS WILL BEMORE EXPENSIVE BECAUSE IN CHINA

FRAPPACHINOS CONTAIN FRESH LUMPCRAB MEAT AND CADMIUM.

SPEAKING OF CHINA-- I JUST WAS--AND THIS WEEK, THERE WAS MORE

BAD NEWS.

>> CHINESE SHOPPERS SET ONLINESALES RECORDS MONDAY.

SHOPPERS CLICKED THEIR WAY TOMORE THAN $5 BILLION IN PRODUCTS

ON CHINA'S LARGEST E-COMMERCESITE.

THAT DWARFS SALES ON CYBERMONDAY IN THE UNITED STATES.

>> $5 BILLION WORTH OF SALES.

>> THAT IS 2.

THE 5 TIMES MORE THAN CYBERMONDAY IN THE UNITED STATES.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, IF CHINAHAS THE CASH TO DO THIS, WE'RE

CLEARLY NOT BORROWING ENOUGHUPON IT

( LAUGHTER )I'M GIVING THE NEXT WAG OF MY

FING TORE AMERICAN CONSUMERS.

HOW YOU CAN NOT OUTSPEND THESEGUYS?

ONLINE SHOPPING IS MUCH HARDERFOR THE CHINESE.

AFTER THEY BUY AN iPAD, THEYHAVE TO RUN BACK TO THE FACTORY

TO MAKE IT.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

THE OCCASION FOR ALL THIS PEKINGKA-CHING WAS NOVEMBER 11,

CHINA'S SINGLES' DAY, SYMBOLIZEBIDE THE FOUR LONELY ONES OF

11-11.

OF COURSE THE IDEA OF ONE AS THELOAMEST NUMBER WAS FIRST FOUND

IN THE WRITINGS OF CHINESEPHILOSOPHER, HA-RI NIL-SUN.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

NOW, THE CHINESE, THE CHINESEORIGINALLY STARTED SINGLES DAY

AS A TIME FOR UNMARRIED MEP TOLAMENT THEIR SOLO STATUS WITH A

DRINK.

WE HAVE A SIMILAR PRACTICE OFMEN DRINKING ALONE IN AMERICA.

IT'S CALLED LADIES' NIGHT.

( LAUGHTER )FOLKS, I BELIEVE WE NEED TO TAKE

A LESSON FROM CHINA AND HARNESSTHE ECONOMIC POWER OF LONELY,

SINGLE MEN.

YOU GUYS NEED TO STEP UP ANDSTART BUYING MORE STUFF.

I MEAN, LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOINGRIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE WATCHING MY SHOW.

ON THE COUCH, PROBABLY ALONE.

ME, I GO HOME EVERY NIGHT ANDSPEND TIME WITH MY LOVED ONES.

DADDY LOVES YOU, PLAYSTATION 4.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

WHO YOU DOVE ME BACK?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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