4th of July Under Attack - Fireworks Cancelled

  • Aired:  06/29/11
  •  | Views: 60,142

In an attack against the shabby, cash-only roadside shacks that make America great, Texas cancels Fourth of July fireworks shows. (4:26)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANNELING STEPHEN] --]

CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN]

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

PLEASE SIT DOWN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I KNOW YOU ARE EXCITED.

THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING UP.

FOLKS, MONDAY IS JULY

FOURTH, NAMED FOR OUR FOUR

FATHERS: GEORGE.

BENJAMIN,

THOMAS,

AND RINGO.

[LAUGHTER]

I ALWAYS CHECK MY CALENDAR TO

FIND OUT WHAT DAY IT FALLS ON,

AND THIS YEAR, IT'S ON JULY 4TH.

WOW, FEELS LIKE IT'S GETTING

EARLIER AND EARLIER EVERY YEAR.

THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT

TRADITIONS.

OF COURSE, EVERY YEAR, I TAKE

THE KIDS OUT AND WE CUT DOWN AN

AMERICAN FLAGPOLE.

TAKE IT HOME, PUT IT UP, AND

DECORATE IT WITH FLAGS.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT EVERYONE LOVES AMERICA LIKE

I DO.

I'M SAD TO SAY.

SO UNFORTUNATELY IT'S TIME ONCE

AGAIN FOR 4TH OF JULY UNDER

ATTACK!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LITTLE KNOWN FACTOID: THEY'RE

CALLED ROMAN CANDLES BECAUSE

JESUS STOLE THEM FROM PONTIUS

PILATE.

[LAUGHTER]

NO SURPRISE, OUR PATRIOTIC

TRADITIONS ARE UNDER ATTACK FROM

THE USUAL LEFTY PINKO NANNY

STATE: TEXAS.

[LAUGHTER]

FOR MORE WE GO TO KTRK,

HOUSTON'S NEWS LEADER.

>> TOMBALL IS THE LATEST ON A

GROWING LIST OF CITIES AND

ORGANIZATIONS CANCELING FOURTH

OF JULY FIREWORKS SHOWS BECAUSE

OF FEAR OF STARTING A FIRE.

>> WITH THE DROUGHT CONDITION

AND THE WEATHER WHAT IT IS RIGHT

NOW, IT'S JUST DANGEROUS.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT:

THEY'RE CANCELING FIRE'WORKS

BECAUSE IT MIGHT LEAD TO FIRE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S LIKE CANCELING A CARNIVAL

BECAUSE IT MIGHT LEAD TO BEING

ABDUCTED BY CARNIES.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S PART OF THE THRILL.

AND IT'S NOT JUST PUBLIC

FIREWORK SHOWS THAT ARE BEING

CANCELED.

150 TEXAS COUNTIES HAVE

BANNED FIREWORKS ALTOGETHER, AND

ANYONE CAUGHT BUYING OR SELLING

THEM WILL FACE A $500 FINE.

HOW DARE YOU, TEXAS?

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS,

BUT I'M THINKING I'M ABOUT TO

MESS WITH YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS AN ATTACK ON THE KIND OF

SMALL BUSINESSES THAT MAKE THIS

COUNTRY GREAT:

SHABBY CASH-ONLY ROADSIDE SHACKS

THAT SELL CHINESE EXPLOSIVES TO

DRUNK PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WHAT WILL THIS DO TO OUR

NATION'S PROSTHETIC HAND

INDUSTRIES?

[LAUGHTER]

NOW THEY'LL BE COMPLETELY

DEPENDENT ON WEEDWHACKER

ACCIDENTS AND PEOPLE FISHING

SHRIMP FORKS OUT OF THE GARBAGE

DISPOSAL.

[LAUGHTER]

PLUS, THEY'RE ROBBING OUR KIDS

OF CLASSIC CHILDHOOD

EXPERIENCES.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP IN SOUTH

CAROLINA, I HAD SO MUCH FUN

BLOWING UP MAILBOXES, STRAPPING

GRASSHOPPERS TO BOTTLE ROCKETS

TO SIMULATE THE APOLLO MISSION,

[LAUGHTER]

AND PLAYING GAMES OF "GUESS THE

FUSE LENGTH."

[LAUGHTER]

AND WHAT'S THE FOURTH WITHOUT

ALL THE GREAT FIREWORKS, LIKE

THE PUNISHER,

THE DE-THUMBINATOR

AND THE EARDRUM SODOMIZER?

WELL, FEAR NOT FIREWORK-LOVING

TEXANS.

THIS BAN DOESN'T SPELL THE END

OF YOUR FOURTH OF JULY

CELEBRATION.

THERE'S ONE FIREWORK THAT WILL

NEVER BE TOO DANGEROUS FOR

TEXAS.

THIS KIND.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS YOU CAN PICK ONE OF THESE

UP ANYWHERE IN TEXAS: WALMART,

VENDING MACHINES, THAT ARCADE

CLAW GAME.

[LAUGHTER]

SO FOLLOW MY LEAD, TEXAS.

AND IF ANYONE OBJECTS, YOU TELL

THEM, "YOU CAN HAVE MY FIREWORKS

WHEN YOU PRY THEM FROM MY COLD,

HANDLESS HANDS."

[LAUGHTER]

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