Stephen's Worst Sports Nightmare

  • Aired:  04/29/13
  •  | Views: 48,961

NBA center Jason Collins comes out as black and gay, but it's even more shocking that he came out as a player for the Washington Wizards. (2:53)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME.

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

MAY I OFFER A HEARTY SHALOM TO

CERTAIN MEMBERS OF MY AUDIENCE

TONIGHT.

NATION, THE DAY I HAVE LONG

WARNED YOU ABOUT HAS FINALLY

ARRIVED.

NOT THE ONE WHERE MY DEATH RAY

IS COMPLETED.

THAT IS STILL SIX MONTHS OUT.

AND YOU ARE WARNED.

NO, IT IS A DIFFERENT DAY, AND I

WARNED YOU ABOUT IT.

>> JASON COLLINS HAS BECOME THE

FIRST OPENLY GAY ATHLETE IN PRO

SPORTS.

COLLINS IS WITH THE WASHINGTON

WIZARDS.

>> COLLINS IS THE FIRST ACTIVE

PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE IN ANY OF

THE FOUR MAJOR SPORTS TO MAKE

THAT ANNOUNCEMENT WHILE STILL A

PLAYER.

>> COLLINS SAYS, "I'M A

34-YEAR-OLD NBA CENTER.

I'M BLACK.

AND I'M GAY."

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

HE CAME OUT AS BLACK AND GAY.

EVEN MORE SHOCKING HE CAME OUT

AS A PLAYER FOR THE WASHINGTON

WIZARDS.

YOU'VE GOT TO WONDER HOW HIS

PARENTS TOOK IT.

FOLKS, THIS IS MY WORST SPORTS

NIGHTMARE.

I KNEW ONCE WE ALLOWED MAJOR

LEAGUE SOCCER, IT WOULD TURN ALL

THE OTHER SPORTS GAY.

NOW THAT IT'S POSSIBLE THAT A

PRO ATHLETE COULD BE GAY, HOW

CAN I RELATE TO THEM?

SUDDENLY IT'S LIKES A SEVEN FOOT

TALL WORLD CLASS ATHLETE AND I

HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON.

NOW WHEN I HOOP IT UP WITH MY

BASKET-BROS, I CAN'T USE

EXPRESSIONS LIKE "TAKE IT TO THE

HOLE" OR "JAMMING THE RIM" OR

"HEY, LET'S TOUCH EACH OTHER'S

PENISES."

WHICH OF COURSE IS JUST STREET

SLANG TORE SETTING A PICK.

THE POINT IS GAY SPORTS DO NOT

MAKE ANY SENSE.

JUST LIKE GAY MARRIAGE DOESN'T

MAKE ANY SENSE BECAUSE MARRIAGE

IS FOR MAKING BABIES AND SO IS

BASKETBALL.

JUST ASK THE THOUSANDS OF WILT

CHAMBERLAIN'S CHILDREN.

I MEAN THE WHOLE GAME IS A

METAPHOR FOR PROCEED CREATION.

THE BALL IS THE SPERM, THE HOOP

IS THE EGG AND THE SHOT CLOCK IS

THE OVULATION CYCLE.

FELLOWS, THAT'S WHY YOU WANT TO

GET OFF YOUR SHOT IN THE FIRST

24 SECONDS.

I JUST HOPE HOMOSEXUALS DON'T

GET THEIR HANDS ON ANY OF MY

OTHER FAVORITE SPORTS

Loading...