Tip/Wag - Pranab Mukherjee, Brazilian Scientists, Sonia Sotomayor

  • Aired:  11/13/12
  •  | Views: 78,690

The Hindu festival of lights follows liberal orders, Brazil researchers cure erectile dysfunction in rats, and Justice Sonia Sotomayor knocks princesses. (6:48)

ON THIS STORY BEFORE IT EVER HAPPENS.

(LAUGHTER) NOW, FOLKS, THE IF I PASS JUDGMENT LIKE I PASSED KIDNEY STONES IT'S GOING TO HURT LIKE

HELL AND YOU'LL BE WALKING FUNNY.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FIRST UP, FOLKS, HAPPY DUALI WHICH I'M SURE I DON'T HAVE TO

TELL YOU IS THE HINDU FESTIVAL OF LIGHT.

A FIVE-DAY HOLIDAY STARTING TODAY ON DONTERA, CELEBRATED ON THE 13th LUNAR DAY OF KRISHNA

PAKSHA OF THE HINDU CALENDAR MONTH OF USHWIN.

CELEBRATED ON THE SECOND LUNAR DAY OF THE HINDU CALENDAR MONTH OF PARTHEEK.

YOU KNOW, DUALI.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FOLKS, WE'VE ALL ALREADY BEEN BOMBARDED BY DUALI COMMERCIALS

FOR WEEKS NOW.

AT LEAST UNTIL WE'VE TAKEN DOWN THE VIJAY DASHAMI DECORATIONS.

DALI IS WHEN HINDU FAMILIES LIGHT CLAY LAMPS AND SET FIRECRACKERS TO SCARE AWAY EVIL

SPIRITS AND OCCASIONALLY FINGERS.

(LAUGHTER) THEY MAY COME TO AN END BECAUSE THE INDIAN PRESIDENT IS CALLING FOR A POLLUTION FREE DIWALI WITH

BANGALORE ASKING CITIZENS TO REFRAIN FIRE FROM FIREWORKS AFTER 10:00 P.M. TO LIMIT AIR

AND NOISE POLLUTION.

FOLKS, MY TANDOORI POT DOTH BOIL OVER WITH RAGE PANEER.

SO I'M GIVING A WAG OF MY FINGER TO THE PRESIDENT OF INDIA.

FOLKS, THIS JERK IS JUST ANOTHER LIBERAL NON-BELIEVER RUINING THE TRUE MEANING OF DIWALI.

FIRST THEY TOOK THE CHRIST OUT OF CHRISTMAS.

NEXT THEY'RE TAKING THE CHRIST OUT OF DIWALI.

I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S IN THERE SOMEPLACE.

THESE PEOPLE WORSHIP A LOT OF GODS.

THEY'RE GOING TO LEAVE OUT THE ONE WHO'S FAMOUS?

I DON'T THINK SO.

WHAT'S NEXT, A SET OF WISHING SOMEONE THE TRADITIONAL DWALI KI HAARDEEK SHUM?

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WISH THEM A HAPPY HOLIDAY?

NOT ON MY WATCH.

NEXT UP, DID YOU KNOW THAT AS WE SPEAK MILLIONS OF AMERICAN MEN DO NOT HAVE AN ERECTION?

(LAUGHTER) IT'S TRUE.

IT'S TRUE.

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A BIG TIP OF MY HAT TO SCIENTISTS IN BRAZIL WHO HAVE DISCOVERED AN

ALTERNATIVE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION DRUG DERIVED FROM THE VENOM OF THE BANANA SPIDER.

(LAUGHTER) YOU SEE THEY TESTED THE DRUG AND FIND THAT IT HELPED HELDERLY RODENTS OVERCOME ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.

AT LAST, A SOLUTION TO THE DWINDLING RAT POPULATION.

(LAUGHTER) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THE DRUG HAS NOT BEEN APPROVED

FOR HUMANS JUST BECAUSE BANANA SPIDER VENOM CAUSES LOSS OF MUSCLE CONTROL, BREATHING

PROBLEMS, PARALYSIS AND PAINFUL ERECTIONS IN MEN.

SO YOU MIGHT DIE, BUT AT LEAST YOUR FAMILY WON'T HAVE TO SHELL OUT FOR A TOMBSTONE.

(LAUGHTER) FINALLY FOLKS, I'M NO FAN OF "SESAME STREET".

THEY EXPOSE OUR CHILDREN TO DANGEROUS LIBERAL IDEAS LIKE BEFRIENDING THE HOMELESS, TWO

MEN SLEEPING IN THE SAME BEDROOM AND COUNTING.

(LAUGHTER) BUT IN A RECENT SEGMENT, THE SUPREME COURT JUSTICE SONIA SOTOMAYOR, THESE PUPPETGANDAIST

WENT TOO FAR.

>> WE'RE HERE TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE WORD CAREER.

>> I WANT A CAREER AS A PRINCESS.

A REAR!

TADA!

>> ABBEY, PRETENDING TO BE A PRINCESS IS FUN, BUT IT IS DEFINITELY NOT A A REAR.

REMEMBER, A A REAR IS A JOB THAT YOU TRAIN AND PREPARE FOR AND THAT YOU PLAN TO DO FOR A LONG

TIME

>> OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I GUESS A PRINCESS ISN'T REALLY A JOB.

>> NO, IT'S NOT.

>> OF COURSE BEING A PRINCESS IS A JOB!

(LAUGHTER) YOU REALLY THINK A PEN ZELL JUST WOKE UP WITH THAT HAIR?

YOU DON'T GROW A 30-FOOT BRAID FREE OF SPLIT ENDS WITHOUT A VERY SERIOUS CONDITIONING REGIMEN.

(LAUGHTER) SO A WAG OF MY FINGER AT JUSTICE SONIA SOTOMAYOR FOR CRUSHING THE DREAMS OF LITTLE GIRLS EVERYWHERE.

(LAUGHTER) YOU'RE TELLING HER SHE CAN'T BE A PRINCESS BECAUSE IT'S A LONG SHOT IN IN THIS ECONOMY ANY JOB

IS A PIPE DREAM.

(LAUGHTER) ASK YOURSELF THIS: WHAT'S MORE LIKELY, THAT YOU'LL EAT A POISONED APPLE AND AWAKE TO THE

KISS OF A CHARMING PRINCE OR THAT YOUR ENGLISH DEGREE WILL LAND YOU A SECOND INTERVIEW WITH STAPLES?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) EITHER WAY YOU'RE GOING TO SHARE AN APARTMENT WITH SEVEN ROOMMATES.

(LAUGHTER) SO WHAT DOES JUSTICE SOTOMAYOR THINK IS A GOOD CAREER.

I'LL GIVE YOU ONE GUESS.

>> DO YOU HAVE A CAR REAR?

>> YES, I DO.

I AM A UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.

>> OKAY.

THAN I KNOW WHAT A REAR THAT I WANT TO HAVE.

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> CAREER!

ORDER IN THE COURT!

>> OH, ABBEY, I THINK YOU'LL MAKE A GREAT, GREAT JUDGE.

>> SURE, TELL LITTLE GIRLS TO BECOME SUPREME COURT JUSTICES.

NEVER MIND THAT IN THE COURT'S 220 YEAR HISTORY ONLY FOUR WOMEN HAVE REACHED THE BENCH.

MEANWHILE, EIGHT DIFFERENT AMERICAN WOMEN HAVE MARRIED PRINCES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND THAT IS NOT EVEN INCLUDING THE EIGHT WOMEN WHO MARRIED

LARRY KING.

(LAUGHTER) DARE TO DREAM, LITTLE GIRLS.

(LAUGHTER) BESIDES THE JOB OF PRINCESS AND SUPREME COURT JUSTICE, ARE THEY REALLY SO DIFFERENT?

YOU'RE BOTH PLUCKED FROM OBSCURITY, GIVEN A LIFETIME APPOINTMENT WHERE YOU HOLD COURT

WEARING FANCY ROBES AND YOU'RE CONFINED TO CLOSE QUARTERS WITH AN ANGRY BEAST.

(LAUGHTER) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.