Pope's Resignation & Papal Speculatron 7500

  • Aired:  02/11/13
  •  | Views: 48,588

Pope Benedict XVI considers a greeter job at Walmart, and early pope race favorites include candidates from Canada, Italy, Ghana and America. (7:48)

IT'S SAFE TO SAY, HOW CAN I KILL SOME TIME BEFORE SWAMP WARS.

[LAUGHTER]

NATION, THIS MORNING I DID WHAT I ALWAYS DO, I WENT ON HUFFINGTON POST TO GET MY RAGE

LEVELS UP AND TO CHECK OUT THE MOST ADORABLE PANDA NIP SLIPS BUT WHEN I WAS THERE I SAW

SOMETHING TRULY SHOCKING.

ACTUAL NEWS.

ACCORDING TO THE 72-POINT FONT: POPE OUT.

NATURALLY I WAS SHOCKED.

THE POPE CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET?

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN IT MAKES --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN IT MAKES SENSE.

THE GUY HASN'T HAD A GIRLFRIEND IN LIKE FOREVER AND HE'S A TOTAL CATCH BUT IT TURNED TOUT BE

SOMETHING MUCH MORE SHOCK.

>> THE BREAKING NEWS THIS MORNING, POPE BENEDICT SAYING HE WILL RESIGN.

>> HE WILL RESIGN AT THE END OF FEBRUARY.

>> Stephen: RESIGN?

THE POPE IS QUITTING?

POPES DON'T QUIT.

GOD HAS A WAY OF TELLING POPES WHEN IT'S TIME TO RETIRE.

IT'S CALLED DEATH, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

VERY FEW AUDIENCES ARE WILLING TO APPLAUD FOR DEATH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THINK ABOUT IT, YOU DIDN'T SEE JP2 TRADING HIS PAPAL STAFF FOR A NINE IRON AND MOVING TO BOCA.

A POPE HAS NOT VOLUNTARILY RESIGNED IN 717 YEARS.

I MEAN WHAT IS EVEN THE RITUAL FOR ANNOUNCING IT?

I KNOW WHEN THE CARDINALS ARE VOTING, NO POPE IS BLACK SMOKE.

A NEW POPE IS WHITE SMOKE.

I ASSUME SLACKER SPOAP BONG SMOKE.

-- SLACKER POPE IS BONG SMOKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHY IS THE HOLY SEE SAYING HOLY SEE YOU LATER?

>> IT'S STRENGTH OF MIND AND BODY IS NECESSARY.

STRENGTH HAS TEE DETERIORATING IN ME TO THE EXTEND THAT I COULD ACCURATELY FULFILL THE MINISTRY

ENTRUSTED TO ME.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

I'M CALLING P.M. IT ON THIS ONE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FIRST OF ALL, YOU DENT GET TO LEAVE FOR THAT?

YOU THINK I'M MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY UP TO DOING MY JOB?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I'M DUCT TAPED TO THIS CHAIR EVERY NIGHT AND THE ONLY REASON MY LIPS ARE STILL MOVING IS

BECAUSE THEY RUB THE TOP OF MY MOUTH WITH PEANUT BUTTER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

POPE BENEDICT IS CLEARLY BEING PUSHED OUT.

I KNOW THIS MAY SHOCK YOU BUT IT'S POSSIBLE THAT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS INVOLVED IF A COVERUP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I JUST -- I JUST CANNOT GET OVER THIS.

WHAT IS BENEDICT GOING TO DO WITH HIMSELF IN RETIREMENT?

BECOME A WAL-MART GREETER, OR I DON'T KNOW TAKE UP A NEW HOBBY?

I HAVE NO INTEREST IN SEEING HIS SELF PORTRAIT IN THE SHOWER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THINK ABOUT THIS, OKAY.

HIS DEPARTURE IS GOING TO LEAVE A TERRIBLE VOID.

HE IS OUT ON FEBRUARY 28 BUT THE COLLEGE OF CARDINALS MAY NOT ELECT A NEW POPE UNTIL THE END

OF MARCH.

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?

WE COULD HAVE AN ENTIRE MONTH WITH NO INFALLIBLE PERSON ON EARTH.

THERE'S NO RULES.

IT'S LIKE A CATHOLIC FREE FOR ALL, PASSION OUT PEZ DISSPENCERS FULL OF BIRTH CONTROL, USING THE

LORD'S NAME IN VEIN, IT'S LIKE BEING A PRESBYTERIAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHO IS ON DECK?

WHO IS THE NEXT POPE?

>> WHO IS THE NEXT POPE?

>> WHO COMES NEXT, WE DON'T KNOW.

>> I LOVE DOING THIS, BY THE WAY, IT'S MORE FUN THAN ANYTHING I'VE DONE LATELY.

IT'S A HORSE RACE.

>> Stephen: YES, IT'S A HORSE RACE, THANK YOU, CHRIS.

THE ROCK ON WHOM JESUS BUILT HIS CHURCH, YEAH, BASICALLY THE SAME AS THE IOWA STRAW POLLS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I COULD GO FOR SOME MASHED POTATOES.

[LAUGHTER]

WHO IS IT GOING TO BE?

WHO IS GOING TOW ABOUT THE NEXT POPE?

FOR MORE LET'S HEAD OPEN TO THE PAPAL SPECULATRON 7500.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME.

WELCOME TO THE PAPAL SPECULATRO WHERE WE TAKE YOU DOWN TO PARADISE CITY, WHERE THE SMOKE

IS WHITE AND GIRLS ARE NOT PERMITTED.

LET'S LOOK WHERE YOU FIND CATHOLICS IN THE WORLD.

THIS AREA.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, THE EARLY FAVORITE IS THE ARCHBISHOP OF MILAN ANGELO SCOLA UNTIL JOHN PAUL II ITALIANS HELD

THE PAPACY FOR 50 0 YEARS.

IT WAS THE ULTIMATE DYNASTY LIKE THE YANKEES ONLY WITH LESS MONEY.

CARDINAL MARK OUELETTE IS A MAJOR FRONT RUNNER WITH ONE PROBLEM: HE'S A CANADIAN.

P.M. SAYING, I DON'T THINK GOD WANTS YOU TO USE A CONDOM, AYE, WON'T WORK.

WHO WANTS A POPE WITH A STAFF LIKE THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOME ARE BRGT ON A THIRD WORLD POPE LIKE GHANA'S PETER TURKSON WHO WOULD BE THE FIRST BLOCK

POPE OF 1500 YEARS SENDING A MESSAGE OF INCLUSION AND VIRTUALLY GUARANTEEING TYLER

PERRY'S MADEA GOES TO ROME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO.

HELLO.

[LAUGHTER]

FOLKS, I SAY IT'S HIGH TIME WE HAD AN AMERICAN POPE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AFTER ALL --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AFTER ALL, GOD IS AN AMERICAN.

THAT'S WHY THE INTIEBL IN ENGLISH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THERE'S A GREAT CANDIDATE.

>> TIMOTHY DOLAN IS THE MOST POWERFUL CATHOLIC IN THE COUNTRY, THE PRESIDENT OF

PRESIDENT CATHOLIC BISONS.

>> Stephen: EVEN MORE IMPORTANT DOLE JANUARY MY PERSONAL BFF: BISHOP FRIEND FOREVER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND TONIGHT, TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I'M GIVING TIMOTHY CARDINAL DOLAN THE COLBERT BUMP.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL YOU CATHOLICS OUT THERE, I WANT TO YOU VOTE FOR HIM.

WHAT IS THAT?

WE DON'T GET TO VOTE?

THAT IS TARASPACIEZ.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHEN WE RETURN I'LL HANDICAP THIS RACE WITH THE CHAPLAIN OF