Tip/Wag - Brood II Cicadas, Sexcereal & GOP Internet Memes

  • Aired:  04/16/13
  •  | Views: 77,174

Scientists predict a plague, Canada makes the world's most passionate cereal, and the NRCC redesigns its website. (7:40)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

STEVE HELLO.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT,

EVERYBODY.

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Colbert: THANKS, AMERICA.

FOLKS, WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

I'M STEPHEN COLBERT, AND IF YOU

ARE A REGULAR VIEWER OF THIS

SHOW -- AND I HOPE YOU ARE --

THEN YOU KNOW THAT I CALLS 'EM

LIKE I SEES 'EM, AND I SEES 'EM

WITH POORLY STRUCTURED

GRAMMARES.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF

THE FINGER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FOLKS, I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU'VE

BEEN ENJOYING THE ARRIVAL OF

SPRING, THE LONGER DAYS, THE

CHIRPING BIRDS, THE BLOOMING

FLOWERS.

AND THE COMING PLAGUE.

>> SCIENTISTS ARE PREDICTING A

MASSIVE ONSLAUGHT OF CICADA BUGS

THIS YEAR SPECIFICALLY WHAT'S

KNOWN AS THE BROOD II CICADAS

>> THEY WILL INFEST THE EAST

COAST FROM NORTH CAROLINA TO NEW

YORK'S HUDSON VALLEY AND

CONNECTICUT

>> Colbert: THERE IS NOWHERE TO

HIDE, FOLKS.

WE'RE ABOUT TO FACE THE

BUG-POCALYPSE, SWARM-AGEDDON OR

AS I'M CALLING IT, BROOD II:

LECH TRICK BUG-ALOO.

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A WAG OF

MY FINGER TO BROOD II CICADAS

NOT FOR SWARMING, NO.

NOT FOR SWARMING, FOLKS.

BUT THIS.

>> FOR 17 YEARS OF BEING DORMANT

UNDERGROUND THE CREATURES ON THE

CICADAS ARE ABOUT TO MASS.

A MASSIVE GROUP NUMBERING IN THE

BILLIONS LAST SEEN IN THIS AREA

IN 1996.

>> Colbert: THANKS, CICADAS FOR

REMINDING ME THAT 1996 WAS 17

YEARS AGO.

WHAT THE HELL?

I MEAN,...

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WHERE DID THE TIME GO?

I GOT TO GET STARTED ON A

401(k).

HOW COULD 1996 BE THAT LONG AGO?

I MEAN, SEINFELD WAS ON AND I

REMEMBER IT.

JIMMY, CAN I SEE WHAT I LOOKED

LIKE IN 1996?

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

( APPLAUSE )

AM I MOLTING?

NEXT UP ON TIPPY CANOE AND THE

WAGGY TOO, FOLKS, I DON'T LIKE

TO BRAG BUT I'VE HAD SEX.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THE KIND WITH WOMEN.

OF COURSE, I'M NOT ALONE.

THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY IS OBSESSED

WITH INTERCOURSE, A.K.A.,

COPULATION, FORNICATION, DOING

IT, MARY JANE, ANGEL DUST.

THE BIG APPLE.

WHICH IS WHY EVERYONE'S ALWAYS

ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE LATEST

SEX ENHANCER APHRODISIAC OR

UKRAINIAN EMAIL PROMISING TO

MAKE LADY SAY SEX BOOM BIG BIG

BIG BIG.

WELL, THE CANADIANS, OUR

NEIGHBORS WHO ARE ALWAYS ON TOP,

HAVE A NEW PRODUCT TO ENHANCE

INTERCOURSE.

JIM?

>> SEXCEREAL.

THAT IS IT'S NAME.

IT'S BEING BILLED AS THE WORLD'S

MOST PASSIONAL CEREAL.

IT FEATURES SPECIAL NATURAL

BLENDS FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN.

THE PROMOS ARE PLAYFUL SHOWING A

COUPLE AT FIRST BORED IN BED.

THEN THROW IN SOME SEX CEREAL

AND, OF COURSE, SOME SEX, WHICH

WE DON'T SEE.

AND THE MOOD PICKS UP.

>> Colbert: YES, THE MOOD PICKS

UP WHEN YOU THROW IN SOME

SEXCEREAL AND SOME SEX.

ITS MANUFACTURER CLAIMS IT'S

PART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST.

YOU'LL NEED THAT BALANCE WHEN

YOU'RE DOING IT IN THE BREK

FOOFT NOOK.

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A TIP OF

THE HAT TO SEX-CEREAL FOR MAKING

SURE WE'LL NEVER SKIP BREAKFAST

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

BY WHICH AGAIN I MEAN SEX.

THE OLD 23 SKIDOO.

BECAUSE AT 6:30 A.M. WITH BLEARY

EYES AND BREATH LIKE A LANDFILL

CORPSE, WHO ISN'T CHAMPING AT

THE BIT TO GET BIZAY?

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS

>> THE CEREAL BOASTS ALL NATURAL

INGREDIENTS LIKE BEE POLLEN,

WHEAT GERMAN PUMPKIN SEEDS

SUPPOSEDLY ALL NATURAL

STIMULANTS FOR MEN AND WOMEN

>> Colbert: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO

TELL ME ABOUT PUMPKIN SEEDS.

YOU SHOULD SEE HOW I CARVE A

JACK-O-LANTERN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NEXT, NATION, I'VE TOLD YOU

ABOUT THE REPUBLICAN PARTY'S RAD

NEW EFFORT TO TOTALLY CONNECT

WITH US YOUNG-AMERICANS.

WELL, THEY'VE DONE IT AGAIN.

>> THE NATIONAL REPUBLICAN

CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE MADE THE

MOVE TO REDESIGN THEIR WEBSITE.

ENTER BUZZFEED.

AN ALL ENCOMPASSING SITE THAT

MIXES POLITICS, POP CULTURE AND

WEIRD NEWS FROM ALL OVER THE

WORLD.

>> THIS IS THE NEW SITE.

ESSENTIALLY IT'S THE N.R.C.C.'S

ATTEMPT TO TAKE EVERYTHING THAT

MADE BUZZFEED WORK AND FEED IT

THROUGH A PARTISAN POLITICAL

PRISM

>> Colbert: YES THE N.R.C.C. IS

IS TAKING INSPIRATION FROM POLL

CULTURE LIST-MAKING SITE

BUZZFEED WHICH ITSELF TAKES

INSPIRATION FROM A.D.H.D.

OF COURSE, BUZZFEED HAS BECOME

FAMOUS FOR HIGHLY CLICKABLE NEWS

ITEMS LIKE 18 REASONS GLASS

DOORS ARE THE WORSE, 9 THINGS

SQUIRRELS ARE UP TO THESE DAYS,

AND THE 13 MOST IMPORTANT WATER

COLOR NARWHALS ON ETSY.

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A TIP OF

MY HAT TO G.O.P. INTERNET MEME.

THEY'RE A GREAT WAY TO PROMOTE

CORE REPUBLICAN VALUES LIKE

SELF-RELIANCE BECAUSE WOULDN'T

THIS MEME BE SO MUCH MORE

INSPIRATIONAL IF THAT CAT CAN

HAZ EARND "CHEESE BURGER?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WELL, FOLKS, I'VE BEEN

INTER-SURFING THE NEW

BUZZFEED-INSPIRED N.R.C.C. SITE,

AND THERE ARE TEN REASONS THIS

ADORABLE PUNDIT LOVES IT.

CHECK OUT THIS ACTUAL STORY.

13 ANIMALS THAT ARE REALLY

BUMMED ON OBAMA CARE'S THIRD

BIRTHDAY FEATURING THIS BABY

SEAL WITH THE LINE "OBAMA CARE

IS LEAVING JOB CREATORS OUT IN

THE COLD" OR "THIS PUPPY WITH

THE LINE" THIS PUPPY IS UPSET

THAT HEALTH INSURANCE PREMIUMS

ARE ACTUALLY $3,000 HIGHER SINCE

OBAMA CARE PASSED."

I HAVE NOT SEEN SUCH AN

EFFECTIVE MIX OF BALD POLITICAL

MESSAGING AND CUDDLY ANIMALS

SINCE GLOABLS' GERBILS AND THEIR

BENIGHTED SUB HUMAN RACE

POSTERS.

SO BRAVO, N.R.C.C., FOR TAKING

INSPIRATION FROM BUZZFEED.

I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED IF THEY

GOT SOME IDEAS FROM YOU TOO LIKE

THE 18 MOST EMBARRASSING

REPUBLICAN YOUTH OUTREACH FAILS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEER

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