Michigan's Snow Cone Machines

  • Aired:  12/08/11
  •  | Views: 60,585

The soft-on-terror-crats mischaracterize Michigan's ice shaving machines as a frivolous waste of tax money, but there's no reason that fighting terror shouldn't be fun. (4:42)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

I HAVE ACTUALLY NEVER HAD AN

AUDIENCE, I HAVE NEVER IN

ALL MY BORN DAYS HAD AN

AUDIENCE CHANT THE WORD

"STEVE"

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: THAT'S A LITTLE

FAMILIAR.

NATION, YOU KNOW ME.

I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE ANY

PANIC BUT FUR'S NOT

CURRENTLY PANICKING THAT IS

REASON ENOUGH TO FREAK OUT.

BECAUSE OUR COUNTRY IS UNDER

CONSTANT THREAT FROM

TERRORISTS.

I DON'T KNOW WHO, BUT

SOMEONE KEEPS DUMPING

SUSPICIOUS WHITE POWDER ON

MY LAWN EVERY WINTER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: LUCKILY, FOLK,

THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND

SECURITY IS HARD AT WORK

KEEPING US SAFE, ESPECIALLY

THE TERRORIST'S NUMBER ONE

TARGET, WESTERN MICHIGAN IT

IS LIKE A MITTEN OF DEATH

POINTED RIGHT AT THE HEART

OF SOUTHERN ONTARIO.

AN ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALISTS

YOU KNOW WOULD LOVE NOTHING

MORE THAN TO ATTACK BATTLE

CREEK AND TAKE OUT OUR

STRATEGIC RESERVE OF FROOTED

LOOPS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: WELL, LUCKILY,

HOMELAND SECURITY HAS

PROVIDED AMPLE FUNDING TO

PROTECT THE TERRIFIED

RESIDENTS OF THE WOLVERINE

STATE.

FOR MORE, WE TURN TO FOX

NEW'S SENIOR ANCHOR WITH

PLAY MOBILE HAIR, BRETT

BAIER.

>> 13 COUNTIES IN THE REGION

HAVE RECEIVED $900 SNO-CONE

MACHINES COURTESY OF A

HOMELAND SECURITY GRANT.

LOCAL MEDIA REFERENCES STATE

DOCUMENT CLAIMING THE

MACHINES HAVE A VARIETY OF

USES, AMONG THEM MAKING ICE

TO TREAT INJURES.

AND PREVENT HEAT RELATED

ILLNESSES DURING

EMERGENCIES.

AND TO PROVIDE SNO-CONES

DURING PROMOTIONAL EVENTS.

>> Stephen: SNO-CONES!

TAKE THAT AL QAEDA!

YOU SEE, AL QAEDA'S FROM THE

DESERT.

THEY'VE GOT NO DEFENSE

AGAINST SNOW, ESPECIALLY IN

CONE FORM.

BUT THE SOFT ON TERROR-CRATS

ARE MISCHARACTERIZING THESE

MACHINES AS A FRIVOLOUS

WASTE OF TAX MONEY SO LOCAL

MICHIGAN OFFICIAL DAVID

FELDSPAUSCH SET THE RECORD

STRAIGHT, QUOTE.

I DON'T LIKE THE TERM

SNO-CONE MACHINES BECAUSE IT

SOUNDS HORRIBLE.

WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT AS AN

ICED SHAVING MACHINE AND ITS

PURPOSE, IT MAKES A LITTLE

MORE SENSE.

YES, IT IS NOT A SNO-CONE

MACHINE T IS AN ICED SHAVING

MACHINE.

JUST LIKE THAT EXCUSE ISN'T

BULL [BLEEP], IT'S NIGHT

RATE RICH BUDGET FERTILIZER.

HE IS NOT THE ONLY ONE

DEFENDING THIS VITAL

EXPENDITURE.

FOR MORE WE TURN TO WOOD-8

WESTERN MICHIGAN'S FINEST

NEWS SOURCE.

>> THE JUSTIFICATION FOR

BUYING THE SNO-CONE MAKERS

IS MEDICAL RATHER THAN

RECOGNIZE

VACATION-- RECREATIONAL.

>> IT DOES PROVIDE A MEANS

FOR ICE PACKS FOR RESPONDERS,

FOR VOLUNTEERS TO STAY

HYDRATED IN A DIFFERENT WAY

THAN JUST BOTTLED WATER.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

IT COULD SUPPLY FIRST

RESPONDERS WITH MUCH NEEDED

WATER AND JUST AS IMPORTANT

LEER, MUCH NEEDED

BANANA-BERRY FLAVOURING.

AND FOLKS, THAT'S NOT ALL IT

DOES.

>> LOCAL EMERGENCY

MANAGEMENT AGENCIES CAN ALSO

USE THE SNO-CONE MACHINES AS

AN ATTRACTION AT PUBLIC

EVENTS WHEN THEY ARE TRYING

TO ATTRACT VOLUNTEERS.

>> Stephen: YES.

IT IS AN ATTRACTION FOR

VOLUNTEERS.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RISK YOUR

LIFE BATTLING TERRORISTS FOR

NO MONEY?

WHAT IF I OFFERED YOU A

SNO-CONE?

HUH?

NICE?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IF ANYTHING, FOLKS T IS TIME

TO MAKE MORE OF THESE

PURCHASES.

THERE IS NO REASON THAT

FIGHTING TERROR CAN'T BE

FUN.

AS LONG AS YOU FRAME IT

PROPERLY.

FOR INSTANCE, THIS IS NOT A

COTTON CANDY MACHINE, IT IS

A HIGH-SPEED SUCROSE

CENTRIFUGE.

THAN MAY LOOK LIKE A WATER

SLIDE BUT IT IS REALLY A

HIGH DRAWALLICALLY ACTUATED

LOW FRICTION BODY TRANSPORT.

THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAY TO

DELIVER FIRST RESPONDERS TO

THE INJURED IF THEY HAPPEN

TO BE IN THE SPLASH POOL.

AND THIS IS NOT A BOUNCEY

CASTLE T IS AN INFLATABLE

BOUNCEY GITMO, WHICH CAN BE

USED TO DETAIN ENEMY

COMBATANTS.

FIRST WE LOAD THEM UP WITH

COTTON CANDY AND THEN WE

MAKE THEM FEEL BARFY IN THE

TUM TUM.

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