America's Credit Downgrade

  • Aired:  08/08/11
  •  | Views: 66,609

The credit downgrade reduces Americans to waffle-eating Kiwis who put mayonnaise on their French fries and have a serious Hobbit infestation. (3:36)

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, BABY!

OH, YEAH!

POU, POU, POU, POW!

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US!

FOLKS, THANK YOU.

FOLKS, I JUST WANT TO START OUT RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO START OUT THE SHOW BY SAYING

I KNOW A LOT OF YOU ARE PROBABLY NERVOUS BECAUSE ON FRIDAY STANDARD & POOR'S

DOWNGRADED AMERICA'S CREDIT RATING.

IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN AAA.

BUT IT IS NOW PLUMMETED TO THE UNTHINKABLY HUMILIATING AA PLUS.

(LAUGHTER) AND WE HAVE TO GET OUR PARENTS TO SIGN IT AND WE HAVE TO TURN IT BACK IN.

(LAUGHTER) BUT FOLKS THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

ON WALL STREET COOLER HEADS ALWAYS PREVAIL.

>> YOU CAN SEE THE DOW JONES INDUSTRIALS DOWN ALMOST 300 POINTS.

>> WE ARE DOWN MORE THAN 400 POINTS.

>> THE DOW IS NOW DOWN 500 POINTS.

>> DOWN NEARLY 600 POINTS.

>> IT'S DOWN 631 POINTS.

>> WALL STREET'S SPENDING YET ANOTHER DAY IN WHAT'S BEING DESCRIBED AS FREAKOUT MODE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: DON'T PANIC!

EVERYTHING'S FINE!

I'M JUST-- I'M JUST DOWN HERE LOOKING FOR MY EMERGENCY HOBO SATCHEL.

(LAUGHTER) OKAY, NOW REMEMBER, FOLKS,

JUST REMEMBER-- OH, JUST REMEMBER, OVER THE LONG-TERM STOCKS ALWAYS INCREASE IN VALUE, OKAY?

THIS IS JUST A TEMPORARY CORRECTION, OKAY?

THERE'S NO NEED TO LOSE CONFIDENCE IN THE SYSTEM,

OKAY?

AND YES, YES, PERHAPS, PERHAPS WE'RE EXPERIENCING A WEE BIT OF A CONTRACTION HERE, BUT DO NOT

PULL YOUR MONEY OUT OF THE STOCK MARKET JUST YET.

OKAY?

JUST-- THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO.

OKAY.

(LAUGHTER) OKAY.

DON'T PULL ANYTHING OUT OF THE STOCK MARKET UNTIL 12:45 TOMORROW.

BY THEN I SHOULD BE OVER INTERNATIONAL WATERS.

>> YOU'RE 20 MINUTES TOO EARLY.

I HAVE GOT TO DO THE SHOW.

GET OUT.

JUST GO HOVER OR CIRCLE!

(LAUGHTER) THE POINT IS...

SCARING THE CHICKEN.

THE POINT IS, WE'RE GOING TO BE OKAY, EVEN THOUGH AMERICA NO LONGER HAS A AAA RATING.

NOW THOSE ARE RESERVED, TRIP EL A RATINGS ARE RESERVED FOR FINANCIAL POWERHOUSES

LIKE THE ISLE OF MAN.

THAT'S WHY THE SMART MONEY IS NOW PUTTING EVERYTHING IN UNCARTERED WOOL AND

WINDSWEPT CLIFFSCAPES,

BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE S&P THIS GODFORSAKEN ROCK IN THE IRISH SEA IS MORE

TRUSTWORTHY THAN THE RICHEST MOST POWERFUL COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

PARKER GETS A AA PLUS.

THE ONLY TWO OTHER COUNTRIES WITH THAT RATING ARE BELGIUM AND NEW ZEALAND.

THAT'S US NOW, WAFFLE-EATING KIWIS.

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