We Are at War - North Korea

  • Aired:  04/02/13
  •  | Views: 51,686

North Korea nullifies its 60-year armistice with South Korea, and Kim Jong-un targets Austin's South by Southwest Music Festival. (4:31)

[LAUGHTER]

STAY VIGILANT.

NATION, I'VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE EXPRESSION "I HATE TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO." BECAUSE I LOVE TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO!

AND GUESS WHAT: I TOLD YOU SO.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, FOR YEARS, PEOPLE HAVE LAUGHED AT MY "COLD WAR UPDATE", SOUNDING THE ALARM AGAINST THE

RED MEANCE.

[LAUGHTER]

SURE RUSSIA MAY HAVE EVOLVED INTO AN ECONOMIC ALLY FULL OF BLOODTHIRSTY OLIGARCHS, AND THE

CHINESE ARE NOW TRADING PARTNERS.

WE SELL THEM OUR NATIONAL DEBT IN EXCHANGE FOR ARTISTICALLY-POSED PRISON CORPSES.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT COMMUNISM IS LIKE THE BLOB.

AS LONG AS THERE'S ONE LITTLE PIECE LEFT, IT CAN COME BACK TO ATTACK AT ANY TIME.

AND THAT PIECE OF COMMIE BLOB IS THIS PIECE OF COMMIE BLOB.

JIM?

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> A NEW THREAT FROM NORTH KOREA.

HAS TENSIONS ESCALATING.

>> THE TENSIONS ARE SOARING YET AGAIN ON THE KOREAN PENINSULA, GETTING HOTTER BY THE DAY.

>> NORTH KOREA STEPS UP ITS NUCLEAR THREAT.

>> NORTH KOREAN OFFICIALS SCRAPPED THE ARMISTICE THAT HAS CREATED NEARLY 60 YEARS OF PEACE

WITH SOUTH KOREA.

>> NOW NORTH KOREA IS DECLARING IT NULL AND VOID.

>> Stephen: THE ARMISTICE IS NULL AND VOID.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT MEANS WE ARE AT WAR.

WHAT?

NO, NO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, JIMMY NOT AFGHANISTAN.

THE NEW WAR.

♪ ♪ ♪ WE ARE AT WAR ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU SEE, THE KOREAN WAR WAS ONLY "SUSPENDED," AND NOW THE CEASE-FIRE'S BEEN TORN UP BY

KIM, SO KOREAN WAR VETERANS OFF THE JAZZY, GRANDPA!

DUTY CALLS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND FOLKS, THIS ISN'T SOME WAR ON TERROR.

THIS IS A REAL WAR AGAINST A NATION WITH AN ARMY, WEARING UNIFORMS WE RECOGNIZE, AND

HATS SO BIG THEY DO YOU BELIEVE AS -- THEY DOUBLE AS SOUP TUREENS.

THAT IS IF THEY HAD ANY SOUP.

AND LED BY A REAL LIVE TYRANNICAL MADMAN, WHO IS PROPPING UP HIS REGIME BY ORDERING HIS DIPLOMATS TO BECOME

DRUG DEALERS IN EMBASSIES AROUND THE WORLD, PROVIDING THEM WITH "STATE-MANUFACTURED HIGH-QUALITY

METH" AND INSTRUCTING THEM "TO RAISE $300,000" EACH.

[LAUGHTER]

IT IS JUST LIKE THE GIRL SCOUTS RAISING MONEY BY SELLING THIN MINTS, EXCEPT CRYSTAL METH IS

LESS ADDICTIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, KIM JONG UN-REASONABLE

[LAUGHTER]

HAS BEEN PUSHED TO THE BRINK BY THE LATEST U.N. SANCTIONS AGAINST HIS COUNTRY.

EVIDENTLY, THEY EMBARGOED THE LAST TWO PRODUCTS YOU COULD SELL TO NORTH KOREA: NON-SHINY

PEBBLES AND BOB SEGER CASSETTES.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT THAT THE DPRK DOESN'T HAVE TECHNOLOGY.

JUST LOOK AT THIS RECENT PHOTO OF THE DEAR LEADER WITH NORTH KOREA'S VERSION OF THE iPAD.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW HE CAN PLAY MINESWEEPER ON THE COMPUTER, INSTEAD OF HIS OLD WAY, BY SENDING PEASANTS INTO A FIELD.

[LAUGHTER]

MAKE NO MISTAKE, FOLKS.

AND MAKE NO MISTAKE KIM JONG UN IS DETERMINED TO STRIKE WITHIN THE UNITED STATES.

>> THE FIERY RHETORIC COMING FROM THE NORTH, KOREA'S YOUNG LEADER HAS BEEN PICKING UP SPEED

IN RECENT WEEKS.

IT'S NOT JUST SEOUL IN THE CROSSHAIRS.

PYONGYANG SAYS IT IS TARGETING U.S. CITIES INCLUDING AUSTIN, TEXAS.

>> Stephen: YES, AUSTIN, TEXAS.

NO SURPRISE-- KIM JONG UN IS A SWORN ENEMY OF THE SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST FESTIVAL.

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE MANAGED TO OBTAIN THIS FOOTAGE.

>> (TRANSLATED) IT'S JUST GOTTEN SO COMMERCIAL LATELY.

I SAW WILCO PLAY THIS TINY CLUB IN '95 AND IT WAS AWESOME, BUT THESE DAYS IT FEELS LIKE THEY'VE

SOLD OUT.