Stephen Colbert's Bats**t Serious - The Vast Government Soccer Conspiracy

  • Aired:  06/26/14
  •  | Views: 53,524

Fox News's Dr. Keith Ablow attributes America's peculiar love of soccer to a government-induced marijuana stupor. (5:13)

>> Stephen: WHOO.

WELCOME TO THE SHOW, EVERYBODY.

[AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN"]>> Stephen: U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A,

U-S-A, U-S-A!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]WELCOME TO "THE REPORT."

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

NATION, NATION, YOU CAN FEEL ITAT HOME.

IT'S LIKE A WAVE OF ELECTRICPATRIOTISM RIGHT ACROSS THE

WIRE AT YOU BECAUSEWE'RE ALL EXCITED AND CHEERING

FOR THE SAME REASON -- I'M ABOUTTO TAKE A TWO-WEEK VACATION.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]BUT ALSO I AM PUMPED ABOUT TEAM

U.S.A.'S MATCH AGAINST GERMANYTODAY.

THEY SAID IT COULD NOT BE DONE,BUT WE DUG DOWN DEEP AND LOST

OUR GAME.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]BUT, BUT, BUT WE ALSO HAD

PORTUGAL WIN IN A DIFFERENT GAMEBY NOT BY A LOT, SO WE'RE NUMBER

TWO, WE'RE NUMBER TWO, WE'RENUMBER TWO!

>> AUDIENCE: WE'RE NUMBER TWO,WE'RE NUMBER TWO!

>> Stephen: AND FOLKS, ICANNOT WAIT FOR THE NEXT ROUND.

LIKE YOU, I'VE BEEN BITTEN HARDBY THE SOCCER BUG, ALSO KNOWN AS

LUIS SUAREZ.

I'M NOT ALONE, FOLKS.

A RECORD 25 MILLION AMERICANSWATCHED SUNDAY'S GAME AGAINST

PORTUGAL, WHICH IS WHAT HAS MESO WORRIED.

>> AMERICANS DON'T CARE ABOUTTHE WORLD CUP.

WHAT'S WRONG HERE?

WELL, IF YOU WANT EXPERTS ONWRONGNESS, YOU WANT FOX

BUSINESS.

>> WHY, STUART, ARE WE SEEINGSOCCER SUDDENLY SKYROCKET?

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO READY TO BEENTERTAINED?

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHY THIS HASHAPPENED.

IT'S BECAUSE THE NEWS ABOUT OURCOUNTRY, OUR ECONOMY AND OUR

STANDING IN THE WORLD ISOVERWHELMINGLY NEGATIVE.

IT IS AWFUL.

WE'RE APPROACHING A RECESSION,WE'VE LOST IRAQ.

WE'RE DOWNGRADED THE WORLD OVER.

WE DON'T WANT ANY PART OF THAT. WE WANT TO ESCAPE.

SO HERE'S THE WORLD CUP. HOWCONVENIENT.

>> Stephen: YES, HOWCONVENIENT.

STU AND ANGRY ZIGGY SMELLSOMETHING FISHY, WHICH IS WHY

IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHERINSTALLMENT OF STEPHEN COLBERT'S

"BAT [BLEEPED] SERIOUS."

NOW, FOLKS, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RETHINKING.

YOU'RE THINKING, STEPHEN, DIDN'TYOU JUST DO YOUR "BAT [BLEEPED]

SERIOUS" SEGMENT LAST NIGHT TOUNCOVER THE SECRET FORCES BEHIND

THE SURGE IN YOUNG IMMIGRANTS?

MAYBE.

BUT HERE'S A BETTER QUESTION:WHY CAN I HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS?

[LAUGHTER]BECAUSE, NATION, I'M STARTING TO

SUSPECT THE WORLD CUP MIGHT BESOME SORT OF ORGANIZED GLOBAL

SPORTING EVENT COORDINATED BYDOZENS OF FOREIGN NATIONS IN AN

ATTEMPT TO GRAB AHOLD OF OURATTENTION, EVEN WORSE, THEY'RE

GRABBING OUR ATTENTION WITHTHEIR FEET.

AND THERE'S MORE.

DR. KEITH, ABLOW ME.

>> HERE'S THE WORLD CUP. HOWCONVENIENT.

THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

>> IT'S A LITTLE TOO CONVENIENTWHEN WE HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO I

CONTEND HAS IT IN FOR AMERICANSAND WE ELECTED HIM BECAUSE WE

WERE FEARFUL AT THE TIME.

WE BETTER ELECT SOMEONE WHO ISNOT VERY PATRIOTIC, BECAUSE,

GOD, WE COULD HAVE TERRORISTSATTACK US FOR BEING AMERICANS.

OKAY.

SO WE DID THAT.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

SO WE DID THAT.

CHECK THAT BOX.

OKAY.

WHICH BRINGS US TO THE WORLDCUP.

FOLLOW ME DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE,OR AS THEY SAY IN SOCCER, FOLLOW

ME DOWN THE RABBITGOOOOOOOOOOAL!

HOW OFTEN DOES BARACK OBAMA RUNFOR PRESIDENT.

EVERY FOUR YEARS.

HOW OFTEN IS THERE A WORLD CUP?

EVERY FOUR YEARS.

NOW WATCH THIS.

[LAUGHTER]THAT DOESN'T JUST HAPPEN, FOLKS.

BUT THERE'S A MORE SINISTERFORCE AT WORK HERE, AND AS

USUAL, IT'S JAZZ CIGARETTES.

JIM?

>> IT'S KIND OF STRANGE.

THEY'RE ROLLING OUT THEMARIJUANA.

THEY'RE GETTING EVERYBODY HIGH.

AND THEY'RE GETTING EVERYBODY TOWATCH MORE AND MORE

ENTERTAINMENT.

DOES THAT SOUND LIKE PERHAPS, IDON'T WANT TO BE A CONSPIRACY

THEORY GUY, BUT WHY IS THAT.

>> Stephen: YEAH, HE DOESN'TWANT TO BE A CONSPIRACY THEORY

GUY, BUT DOES THAT SOUND LIKEPERHAPS BUT WHY IS THAT?

AND MARIJUANA IS CLEARLYINVOLVED HERE, FOLKS, BECAUSE

YOU'D HAVE TO BE BAKED OUT OFYOUR GOURD TO BE THAT PARANOID.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]NATION, THE HIDDEN TRUTH OF

GLOBAL MARIJUANA MIND CONTROLTHAT DR. ABLOW HAS UNCOVERED IS

A HUGE RELIEF, BECAUSE THE IDEAOF A VAST GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY

TO DRUG ME INTO SEDATION WHILE IWATCH MINDLESS TELEVISION IS FAR

LESS DISTURBING THAN THEALTERNATIVE.

THAT I ENJOY SOCCER.

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