Tip/Wag - Marine Corps & Department of Homeland Security

  • Aired:  09/22/11
  •  | Views: 27,258

The Marine Corps issues a harsh restriction banning Marines from audible farting, and the Department of Homeland Security lets kids 12 and under keep their shoes on. (4:49)

TRILLION.

(LAUGHTER)

SO NATION, I ALWAYS SAY DO

AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO.

UNLESS WHAT I AM DOING IS

SAYING DO WHAT I DO, IN

WHICH CASE DO AS I SAY.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG

OF THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FIRST UP, A VERY RARE WAG OF

MY FINGER AT THE MARINES.

NOW ORDINARILY-- I KNOW, I

KNOW.

ORDINARILY I AM 1,000

PERCENT BEHIND THE

LEATHERNECKS.

BUT THE CORPS HAS ISSUED A

HARSH NEW RESTRICTION.

BANNING MARINES FROM AUDIBLE

FARTING BECAUSE IT OFFENDS

THE AFGHANS.

(LAUGHTER)

OUR TROOPS, OUR TROOPS ARE

OUT THERE RISKING THEIR

LIVES FOR OUR FREEDOM.

WE OWE THEM THE FREEDOM TO

UNLEASH A LOUD, PROUD, CHEEK

RATTLING TEAR SCORCHING.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT, WHAT-- WHAT DID THE

MARINES WANT THE MEN ON THE

GROUND TO DO, BE SILENT BUT

DEADLY?

I'M SORRY, BUT THAT SOUNDS

LIKE TERRORISM TO ME.

BESIDES, IT'S JUST CRUEL.

WE CANNOT FILL THESE

SOLDIERS WITH MREs THEN ASK

THEM TO CEASE-FIRE ON THEIR

ENDLESS TOURS OF DUTY.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW I'M GOING TO LET THAT

ONE SINK IN.

NOW FOLKS, I UNDERSTAND WE

HAVE TO BE SENSITIVE TO

LOCAL CUSTOMS.

THE AFGHANS ARE RENOWNED FOR

THEIR CIVILITY AND DECORUM.

THEY ALWAYS SAY PLEASE AND

THANK YOU BEFORE BURYING AN

ADULT RES ALIVE AT THE HALF

TIME DURING A GAME OF GOAT

HEAD POLO.

BUT I SAY THERE IS NOTHING

IN THIS WORLD MORE PATRIOTIC

THAN A MARINE FART.

IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT,

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET, ON

YOUR FEET.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AN HATS OFF, HANDS OVER YOUR

HEARTS.

JIMMY, LET FREEDOM-- FREEDOM

RING.

(FARTING SOUNDS).

>> Stephen: NOW I DON'T KNOW

ABOUT YOU, I DON'T KNOW BUT

YOU FOLKS--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: BUT THAT BROUGHT

A TEAR TO MY EYE.

(LAUGHTER)

NEXT UP, I HAVE LONG SAID

THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION IS

BOSCHING HOMELAND SECURITY.

FIRST, THEY INTRODUCED THE

FULL BODY NAKED SCANNER THEN

REFUSE TO PRINT OUT WALLET

SIZE COPIES ON REQUEST.

WHY AM I DOING CRUNCHES.

EVEN I WAS SHOCKED BY THEIR

LATEST AIRPORT SECURITY

MEASURE.

>> THE DEPARTMENT OF

HOMELAND SKOOURT SAYS IT'S

CHANGING THE SCREENING

POLICY FOR CHILDREN UNDER

THE AGE OF 12.

>> THE MOST NOTICEABLE

CHANGE FOR THE 12 AND UNDER

SET IS THAT THEY CAN KEEP

THEIR SHOES ON AT CHECK

POINTS.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

12 AND UNDER CAN KEEP THEIR

SHOES ON.

SO EVIDENTLY TERRORISM

BEGINS AT PUBERTY.

ON THE SURFACE THIS MAKES

SENSE.

THAT'S WHEN THEY START

GROWING BEARDS,

EXPERIMENTING WITH HARMFUL

CHEMICALS, AND SPENDING

HOURS IN THEIR SLEEPER

CELLS.

GOD KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON

IN THERE.

BUT I AM STILL GIVING A WAG

OF MY FINGER TO THE

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND

SECURITY BECAUSE LETTING

KIDS KEEP THEIR SHOES ON

IGNORES THE MOST DANGEROUS

THREAT OF ALL, THE TERRORIST

TOOs TWOs.

EVERYONE KNOWS A CRYING

TODDLER CAN TAKE AN ENTIRE

AIRPLANE HOSTAGE.

IF THEIR PARENTS TRY TO TELL

THEM TO SETTLE DOWN, THEY

OFTEN RESPOND IN WHAT SOUNDS

A LOT LIKE ARABIC.

FOLKS-- NOW LOOK HOW EASY IT

WILL BE FOR TERRORISTS TO

GAME THE NEW SYSTEM.

COME ON IN, MOM.

OKAY.

HERE WE GO.

(LAUGHTER)

OKAY, THIS IS WHAT IS GOING

TO HAPPEN.

HERE WE GO.

(LAUGHTER)

OKAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HELLO!

I AM A CHILD ON MY WAY TO

THE DISNEY PLACE.

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME FLYING

ON BOEING 767 WIDE-BODY JET

WITH 400 ER WING EXTENSION.

I WOULD LIKE TO SIT NEAR THE

WEAKEST PART OF THE FUSELAGE

WITH MY MOTHER AND MY SHOES.

>> Stephen: YOU SEE, IT'S

THAT EASY, FOLKS.

IT'S THAT EASY.

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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