Google's Robot Acquisition

  • Aired:  12/16/13
  •  | Views: 69,616

Google buys a major robotics company, possibly setting the stage for the enslavement of humanity. (2:40)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE

REPORT."

HELLO!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")HELLO!

WELCOME TO THE "REPORT,"EVERYBODY.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NATION, YOU KNOW IF YOU WATCH

THIS SHOW I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AHUGE FAN OF THE GOOGLE.

(LAUGHTER)IT'S THE YAHOO! OF THINGS THAT

WORK.

(LAUGHTER)BUT OVER THE WEEKEND, FOLKS,

GOOGLE BOUGHT THEMSELVES ADISTURBING EARLY CHRISTMAS

PRESENT.

>> GOOGLE'S LATEST PURCHASE ISRAISING SOME EYEBROWS.

THE COMPANY HAS BOUGHT BOSTONDYNAMICS, AN ENGINEERING COMPANY

THAT DESIGNS ROBOTS THAT CANJUMP, WALK, AND RUN.

THIS IS.

>> THIS IS THE EIGHTH COMPANYTHAT PEOPLE HAVE BAHT IN THE

ROBOTICS FIELD.

>> THESE DEVICES WERE BUILT FORTHE MILITARY.

WHAT COULD GOOGLE WANT WITHTHEM?

>> Stephen: CLEARLY TO ENSLAVEHUMANITY.

(LAUGHTER)BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THEY

CAN GET US TO SIGN UP FORGOOGLE+.

(LAUGHTER)AND, FOLKS, THESE ARE FORMIDABLE

ROBOTS.

THERE'S WILD CAT, A GALLOPINGQUADRUPED THAT RUNS ON GASOLINE

AND YOUR NIGHTMARES.

(LAUGHTER)SAND FLEA, WHICH CAN LEAP TO THE

TOP OF A TWO-STORY BUILDING INTHE RARE EVENT YOU SOMEHOW

ESCAPE WILD CAT.

BIG DOG, MADE TO ASSIST HUMANSIN THE VITAL TASK OF HURLING

CINDER BLOCKS.

PET MAN WHICH NO DOUBT ONE DAYWILL MAKE A PET OUT OF MAN.

AND, OF COURSE, CHEETAH, ABLADE-LEGGED CYBER BEAST WITH A

TOP SPEED OF OVER 28 MILES PERHOUR-- WHICH IS FASTER THAN

USAIN BOLT.

SO THERE GOES MY PLAN TO FLEETHESE ROBOTS ON BOLTBACK.

(LAUGHTER)SO, FOLKS, TONIGHT -- FOLKS,

TONIGHT I AM PROUD TO SAY I'MANNOUNCING THE FORMATION OF A

REBEL ALLIANCE TO DEFENDHUMANITY.

AFTER ALL, THESE THINGS ARE JUSTLIKE IMPERIAL WALKERS.

WE ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DEFEATTHOSE.

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S WHY I HAVE STARTED AN

EWOK BREEDING PROGRAM.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)UH-HUH, UH-HUH.

(LAUGHTER)YES.

MY FIRST GOAL: S TO GET THISEWOK TO STOP POOPING IN MY

HOUSE.

YES, YOU'RE GOING TO LEARN TOCATCH CINDER BLOCKS.

THROW ME A CINDER BLOCK!

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