ThreatDown - Apple Fan-Bears, Drunk Cars & Bears

  • Aired:  10/10/12
  •  | Views: 8,748

Bears choose FaceTime over eating people's faces and discover that Americans are most vulnerable at the mall. (4:44)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS, LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY, I

WANT YOU TO NEVER FORGET--

PLEASE, PLEASE.

YOU GOTTA HEAR THIS.

FOLKS.

NEVER FORGET THAT FEAR IS JUST A

STATE OF MIND.

A CRIPPLING STATE OF MIND THAT

COULD KILL YOU.

THIS IS THE THREAT-DOWN.

( SIREN )

FOLKS, FOR YEARS I'VE WARNED YOU

THAT BEARS ARE GODLESS KILLING

MACHINES.

NOW, THERE IS PROOF THAT THEY'VE

NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THOU SHALT

NOT STEAL.

>> CALL THE ON VIDEO, A BEAR

STEALING A MAN'S iPAD IN THE

WOODS.

CAMERAS WERE ROLE WHEN THE BEAR

CASUALLY NABBED THE BACKPACK BUT

AN iPAD WAS INSIDE THE

BACKPACK.

>> Stephen: THANKS RAY LOT,

BEAR.

YOU RUINED A PERFECTLY GOOD

AFTERNOON OF WATCHING PORN AT

THE LAKE.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER

THREE, APPLE FAN-BEARS.

INFORMATION THE ONLY THING WORSE

THAN BEING MAULED BY A GRIZZ, IS

BEING MAULED BY A GRIZZ HALFWAY

THROUGH FRUIT NINJA.

PUT THAT THING DOWN FOR FIVE

MINUTE'S, FOR GOD'S SAKE, EAT

ME.

WHILE YOU HAVER FACE TIMING YOU

COULD BE EATING MY FACE.

AFTER THEY FINISH EATING US

THEY'LL POST ?ARKING REVIEW ON

YELP.

GAMEY TINY PORTIONS, ATMOSPHERE

SCREAMY.

WOULD NOT EAT THEM.

AGAIN.

( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS )

OH, AND GOOD LUCK HOLDING A SPOT

IN LINE FOR THE NEXT iPHONE

LAUNCH.

( LAUGHTER )

NEXT UP, FOR YEARS, I HAVE BEEN

SAYING WE CONOT NEED ALTERNATIVE

ENERGY ANY MORE THAN WE NEED

ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES.

IT'S ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND

WIND TURBINES.

( LAUGHTER )

WELL NOW, THE ECHO-NUTS HAVE

GONE TOO FAR.

>> ALCOHOL COULD BE THE KEY TO

LOWERING GAS PRICES.

A DISTILLERY IN SCOTT LANT IS

CREATING BIOFEEL OUT OF WHISKEY

LEFTOVERS.

THE BIOFUEL WITH A KICK WOULD BE

USED IN ANY UNMODIFIED CAR OR

TRUCK ON THE ROAD.

>> Stephen: WHICH BRINGS ME

TO THREAT NUMBER TWO-- DRUNK

CARS.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT EYE

CAN'T TEXT WHILE DRIVING BUT MY

AUDI CAN GET HAMMERED.

THIS MEANS WHEN I GO OUT, MY CAR

WILL NEED ITS OWN DESIGNATED

CAR.

( LAUGHTER ).

FINALLY, THE NUMBER ONE THREAT

TO AMERICA, BEARS.

( LAUGHTER )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NATION, I TRY TO GIVE YOU THE

LATEST WARNINGS ABOUT THESE

MARAWDERS.

FOR INSTANCE BTWO MINUTES AGO,

THEY'VE INVADE OUR FORESTS, OUR

ZOOS, OUR COUNTRY JAMBOREES.

AND NOW THIS.

>> IT WAS RIGHT BEFORE 9:00 P.M.

WHEN A 120-POUND FEMALE BLACK

BEAR CUB WAS SPOTTED INSIDE THE

SEARs AT PITTSBURGH MILLS

MALL.

>> THE THEY SAID THERE'S A BEAR

AND WE LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND

RUN OUT.

>> Stephen: THAT IS

UNBELIEVABLE.

( LAUGHTER )

PEOPLE STILL SHOP AT SEARS.

AND, FOLKS, A SECOND INCIDENT

PROVES THAT BEARS ARE CASING THE

PITTSBURGH MILLS MALL.

>> 911 DISPATCHERS TELL US THAT

A LARGER BEAR WAS LATER SPOTTED

JUST BEFORE MIDNIGHT BY THE

OLIVE GARDEN RESTAURANT AT THE

PITTSBURGH MILLS MALL.

>> Stephen: OH, THE BEARS ARE

CLEARLY ON TO US.

THEY KNOW WE CAN'T SHOOT THEM AT

THE OLIVE GARDEN BECAUSE WHEN

YOU'RE THERE, YOU'RE FAMILY.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

AND AT OUR MALLS, WE ARE AT OUR

MOST VULNERABLE.

WE'VE ALL SEEN BEARS WAITING AT

THE TOP OF A WATER FALL PICK OFF

UNSUSPECTING SALMON.

( LAUGHTER ).

SOON THEL THAEL BE DOING THE

SAME THING AT THE TOP OF THE

ESCALATOR.

THE ONLY PLACE BEARS BELONG IN

OUR MALLS IS WHEN WE EAT THEM AT

PANDA EXPRESS.

( LAUGHTER )

I ASSUME THAT'S WHAT THE MEAT

IS.

OUR ONLY HOPE OF GETTING THESE

BEARS OUT OF OUR MALLS IS TO

FIRST TRANQUILIZE THEM WITH

HEAVY SEDATIVES SO, SOMEONE,

PLEASE LEAD THEM TO A

Loading...