Cheating Death - Placebo Effect, Immortality & Wild Lynx

  • Aired:  01/06/11
  •  | Views: 49,831

A placebo treats gullible bowel syndrome, scientists find a cure for mouse infertility, and a wild lynx will increase the walking speed of elderly patients. (7:28)

( LAUGHTER )

WARNING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE NEXT SEGMENT COMES WITH A

$20 CO-PAY.

THIS IS CHEATING DEATH WITH

DR. STEPHEN T. COLBERT D.F.A.

OH, MY FRIEND.

AS ALWAYS, CHEATING DEATH IS

BROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTT

PHARMACEUTICALS.

PRESCOTT, WHERE EVERY PILL

CARRIES THE RISK OF A FOUR-HOUR

E.

( LAUGHTER )

FIRST UP, DRUG HEALTH.

FOLKS, WE'VE ALL HEARD OF THE

PLACEBO EFFECT, THE IDEA THAT

SOMETHING WILL HAVE BENEFICIAL

HEALTH EFFECTS IF YOU SIMPLY

BELIEVE IT'S REAL.

IT'S ALSO THE THEORY BEHIND THE

REPUBLICAN'S HEALTH CARE PLAN.

WELL, RESEARCHERS AT HARVARD

MEDICAL SCHOOL HAVE TAKEN THE

PLACEBO SCIENCE ONE STEP

FURTHER.

ACCORDING TO THEIR STUDY,

PATIENCE SUFFERING FROM

IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME

REPORTED RELIEF AFTER RECEIVING

PILLS THEY WERE TOLD IN ADVANCE

CONTAINED NO REAL MEDICINE.

AN ADDED BENEFIT IS THAT THIS

ALSO TREATS GULLIBLE BOWEL

SYNDROME.

SO WHY IS A KNOWN PLACEBO SO

EFFECTIVE?

ACCORDING TO DR. HOWARD BRODY,

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE ACTIVE

INGREDIENT IS THE WARM PERSONAL

RELATIONSHIP.

THAT IS WHY ALL THE BEST DOCTORS

END THEIR EXAMS WE SPOONING WITH

YOU.

( LAUGHTER )

WELL, PRESCOTT IS ALWAYS AT THE

CUTTING EDGE OF ANY MEDICINE

THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE ANY

MEDICINE.

SO THEY'RE PROUD TO INTRODUCE

THE MOST ADVANCED PLACEBO ON THE

MARKET, VAXA-MIME.

JUST OPEN VAXA-MIME, APPLY THE

TWO WHITE GLOVES, ACCENT WITH A

SILK SCARF, AND BERET, AND

BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE ON

YOUR WAY TO WETTER HEALTH.

♪♪

♪♪

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( LAUGHTER )

[GRUNTING]

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THANK YOU.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

SIDE EFFECTS OF VAXA-MIME

INCLUDE WHITEFACE, SUDDEN BOX

ENTRAPMENT AND DISAPPOINTED

PARENTS.

NEXT UP, OLD AGE.

DEFINE IT.

AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT IT,

FOLKS, I AM PART OF THE AGING

POPULATION.

AFTER ALL, I AM IN MY MID-30s.

BUT IT IS NOT LIKE I'VE AGED

SINCE THE SHOW BEGAN IN 2005.

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

I'M DYING.

THE SHOW IS EATING MY FACE.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

NO, NO!

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

IT WORKS.

IT WORKS.

NOW I SEE WHY DOCTORS REHEARSE.

NOW, SCIENTISTS AT THE

DANA-FARBER CANCER INSTITUTE,

SPECIFICALLY TONIGHT'S GUEST

DR. RONALD DePINHO, HAVE USED

GENE THERAPY ON MICE TO REVERSE

BRAIN DISEASE AND RESTORE SENSE

OF SMELL AND FERTILITY.

FINALLY A CURE FOR MOUSE

INFERTILITY.

THE SPECIES IS SAVED.

( APPLAUSE )

NOW, FOLKS, KEEPING THESE MICE

YOUNG IS GREAT.

I LOVE THE IDEA OF IMMORTALITY.

THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO DOWN SIDE

TO WATCHING EVERYONE YOU HAVE

EVER KNOWN AND LOVED DIE BEFORE

YOU.

HEY, YOU'LL MAKE NEW FRIENDS

THEN WATCH THEM DIE.

MY ONLY PROBLEM WITH IMMORTALITY

IS THAT WE'RE CHEATING GOD.

REWANTS FRESH DEAD PEOPLE.

HE GUESS BORED WITH THE OLD

ONES.

BUT IF YOU WANT TO DIE, YOU ALSO

WANT TO LOOK BEST FOR JESUS.

I MEAN, LOOK AT HIM, HE'S 2,000

YEARS OLD AND THE GUY STILL

LOOKS GOOD.

EVEN IN RECENT PICTURES.

SO TO PRESERVE YOUTHFULNESS

WHILE OBEYING GOD'S PLAN,

PRESCOTT IS PROUD TO INTRODUCE

VAXA-PRIME, THE EXCLUSIVE NEW

TREATMENT THAT KEEPS YOU LOOKING

YOUNG AND THEN KILLS YOU.

SIDE EFFECTS OF VAXA-PRIME

INCLUDE HOOF NECK, RORSCHACH

PATTERN BALDNESS AND HIPS THAT

DO LIE.

FINALLY, OLD AGE.

UNIVERSITY OF PITTSBURGH

RESEARCHER DR. STEPHANIE

STUDENSKI DISCOVERED SOMETHING

VERY INTERESTING WHEN STUDYING

THE WALKING SPEED OF PEOPLE OVER

65.

>> IN EVERY POPULATION, NO

MATTER HOW OLD THEY WERE, WHAT

SEX THEY WERE, WHAT KIND OF

HEALTH CONDITIONS THEY HAD,

THERE WAS A STRONG RELATIONSHIP

BETWEEN WALKING SPEED AND

SURVIVAL.

>> Stephen: YES, THE FASTER

YOU WALK, THE LONGER YOU

WILLIVE.

THAT'S WHY THE MOST

COMPASSIONATE THING YOU CAN TELL

AND ELDERLY SICK PERSON IS TO

WALK IT OFF.

WELL, THE GOOD FOLKS AT PRESCOTT

ARE READY TO HELP THE ELDERLY

WITH THE NEW VAXA-LYNX, A

REVOLUTIONARY TWO-STEP

TREATMENT.

FIRST YOU JUST OPEN THE

VAXA-LYNX.

TAKE OUT SOME OF THE RABBIT

MEAT, AND FLIP THAT INTO

GRANDPA'S BACK POCKET THAT.

WILL ACTIVATE THE SECOND

UNINGREDIENT, A WILD LYNX.

( APPLAUSE )

LOVELY.

LOVELY.

NOW, WITHIN SECONDS YOUR ELDERLY

PATIENT WILL WALK AT SPEEDS THEY

NEVER DREAMED POSSIBLE.

AND THIS FAST WALKING IS CONCERN

TEED TO LENGTHEN THEIR LIFE

BECAUSE IF THEY STOP, THE LYNX

WILL KILL THEM.

SIDE EFFECTS OF VAXA-LYNX

INCLUDE BACK STREET BOIL,

SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS AND

SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS.

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR CHEATING

DEATH BROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTT

PHARMACEUTICALS.

PRESCOTT, WHERE EVERY DRUG IS

F.D.A. APPROVED.

THAT'S F.D.A., FUNERAL

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