National Geographic Poll on Alien Invasion Management

  • Aired:  06/27/12
  •  | Views: 10,812

The Obama campaign invites wedding registry donations, and America finds out what its presidential candidates would never have to do in situations that will never occur. (3:05)

THE VIEW MUST BE LOVELY FROM UP THERE.

( LAUGHTER ).

AND, FOLKS, I GOTTA TELL YOU THE DEMOCRATS COULD DO WORSE THAN THIS CHANGE JAR, AND THEY HAVE.

>> IN LIEU OF A GIFT, WOULD YOU ASK YOUR WEDDING GUESTS TO DONATE TO PRESIDENT OBAMA?

HIS REELECTION CAMPAIGN HAS NOW LAUNCHED AN ON-LINE EVENT REGISTRY.

>> PEOPLE TYING THE KNOT CAN ASK FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO DONATE INSTEAD OF GIVING PRESENTS.

>> Stephen: NOW WE KNOW WHY OBAMA IS FOR GAY MARRIAGE-- DOUBLE THE FUND-RAISING.

NOW, FOLKS WHILE BARACK OBAMA HERE IS GETTING CRUSHED IN MONEY BALL, HE HAS GOTTEN SOME GOOD

NEWS IN THE PRESIDENTIAL HORSE RACE, OR AS ROMNEY CALLS IT THE PRESIDENTIAL HORSE VALET.

OBAMA IS WAY OUT FRONT IN A RECENT SURVEY CONDUCTED BY LEADING POLLSTER AND TRIBAL

BOOB ARCHIVIST, "NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC."

>> A "NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC" POLL ASKS WHICH CANDIDATE WOULD BE

BETTER ABLE TO HANDLE AN ALIEN INVASION?

THE ANSWER-- 65% SAID PRESIDENT OBAMA.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: OF COURSE, OF COURSE PEOPLE SAID OBAMA ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

OF COURSE THEY SAID OBAMA.

I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S A VULCAN.

( LAUGHTER ) AND A SURPRISINGLY EASY TO DO.

AND THEY ALREADY KNOW WHERE HE STANDS WITH ALIENS.

HE WILL GIVE THEM A PATH TO CITIZENSHIP SO THEY CAN COME HERE AND STEAL ALL THE GOOD JOBS.

FOLKS, I LIKE THIS KIND OF POLLING.

WE NEED TO ASK MORE QUESTIONS TO FIND OUT WHAT THE CANDIDATES WOULD NEVER HAVE TO DO IN THE

SITUATION THAT WILL NEVER OCCUR.

JUST IN CASE IT DOES, WHICH IT NEVER WILL.

REMEMBER, IN 2008, ALL THOSE HILLARY ADS ASKED HOW CANDIDATE OBAMA WOULD HANDLE THAT 3:00

A.M. PHONE CALL.

WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS HOW WOULD HE HANDLE A 3:00 A.M. ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I MEAN-- HOW?

THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW.

HOW WILL HE KEEP THEM AT BAY?

WILL HE USE THE BAT, THE SAWED OFF, OR THE NAIL GUN?

HAS HE EVEN CHONS HIS ANTI-ZOMBIE BUNKER?

I'D GO WITH THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT.

SHEER LIMESTONE WALLS, ONE ENTRANCE, AND A STEEL STAIRCASE THAT IS EASY TO ELECTRIFY.

OF COURSE, THE SECOND CHOICE WOULD BE THE HALLS OF CONGRESS BECAUSE NO ONE GOES THERE

LOOKING FOR BRAINS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, AND IF THE CANDIDATES DISCOVER A TELEPHONE BOOTH THAT

GOES BACK IN TIME, WOULD THEY SAVE CUSTER AT LITTLE BIGHORN OR LINCOLN AT FORD'S THEATER?

TRICK QUESTION BECAUSE THE FIRST RULE OF CAMPAIGN TIME TRAVEL,

ALWAYS GO BACK AND KILL HITLER.

YOU GOTTA LOCK

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