Tip/Wag - Drunk Donating & "The Job" Reality Show

  • Aired:  02/05/13
  •  | Views: 20,340

Houston patrons vote on which charity should receive a bar's proceeds, and CBS turns America's unemployment problem into America's entertainment solution. (4:21)

SO I SAY, SO FIE ON YOU, RUFFIANS!

I BITE MY THUMB AT THEE.

[LAUGHTER]

NATION, I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN ASKED ALL THE QUESTIONS YET.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF THE FINGER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪ FOLKS, IF YOU EVER GO OUT AT NIGHT, YOU KNOW BARS CAN BE ROUGH.

ONE MINUTE YOU'RE INNOCENTLY POINTING OUT TO A GUY HOW MUCH HIS GIRLFRIEND LOOKS LIKE HIS

MOM, NEXT MINUTE YOU'RE PICKING YOUR TEETH OUT OF A BOWL OF BEER NUTS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY'RE GETTING EVEN MORE DANGEROUS, THANKS TO A NEW TREND.

BARS GIVING THEIR PROCEEDS TO CHARITY-- LIKE AN OREGON BAR THAT PLEDGED TO DONATE ALL

PROFITS TO CHARITY.

AND A HOUSTON BAR THAT GIVES PATRONS A VOTE WITH EVERY DRINK AS TO WHICH CHARITY SHOULD

RECEIVE THE NEXT MONTH'S PROFITS.

OF COURSE, BY 2:00 AM, THERE ARE FEWER VOTES FOR UNICEF AND MORE VOTES FOR THE "MAN, I COULD

REALLY GO FOR A GYRO FOUNDATION"!

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A WAG OF MY FINGER TO DRUNK DONATING.

LOOK, I'M A CHARITABLE PERSON, WHETHER IT'S DONORS CHOOSE OR THE YELLOW RIBBON FUND, I LOVE

GIVING AWAY YOUR MONEY.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT GOOD DEEDS AND BOOZE IS A DANGEROUS COMBINATION.

SURE, YOU WALK INTO A BAR, TOSS BACK A COUPLE OF COLD ONES FOR DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE POUNDING BACK SLIPPERY NIPPLES FOR THE SUSAN G. KOMEN FOUNDATION.

[LAUGHTER]

WRONG!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SUDDENLY, YOU GOT CHARITY GOGGLES ON STANDING ON THE BAR, YELLING, "I'LL RAISE AWARENESS

FOR ANYTHING THAT MOVES."

[LAUGHTER]

THE NEXT DAY YOU WAKE UP WONDERING, "UHHH, WHO DID I FEED AND CLOTHE LAST NIGHT?"

NEXT, I LOVE REALITY TV.

THAT'S WHY AT THE END OF EVERY EPISODE OF MY SHOW, I GIVE A SINGLE ROSE TO WHOEVER WON MY HEART.

WHAT?

AGAIN?

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA GET LUCKY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

REALITY TV IS ALWAYS PUTTING A SPOTLIGHT ON THE LATEST CULTURAL TRENDS: WHERE THE REALEST

HOUSEWIVES ARE, WHO THINKS THEY CAN DANCE, AND WHAT NOUN AMERICA IS CURRENTLY AT WAR WITH.

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS WHY I'M GIVING A TIP OF THE HAT TO CBS FOR A NEW REALITY SHOW THAT DRAWS INSPIRATION FROM

A REAL WORLD ISSUE.

>> MORE THAN 12 MILLION AMERICANS ARE LOOKING FOR JOBS.

BUT WITH SO MANY CANDIDATES APPLYING FOR EACH JOB OPENING, THE ODDS ARE STACKED AGAINST

THEM AND THE EMPLOYER HAS ALL THE POWER.

>> IN THE LAST YEAR ALONE, I'VE BEEN ON OVER 70 INTERVIEWS.

>> YOU CAN SEND OUT A THOUSAND RESUMES, YOU HAVE TO KNOW SOMEONE TO HAVE A JOB.

>> NOW ONE NEW SERIES WILL TRY AND MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

THIS IS "THE JOB."

>> Stephen: YES, "THE JOB," WHERE CONTESTANTS BATTLE FOR SOMEPLACE TO GO DURING THE DAY!

[LAUGHTER]

GAME SHOWS USED TO MAKE PEOPLE'S FANTASIES COME TRUE, LIKE WINNING A MILLION DOLLARS, OR

GETTING CAREER MENTORSHIP FROM A VULGAR JACK-O-LANTERN.

[LAUGHTER]

AND, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND IN THE OBAMA ECONOMY OF 2013, THE WILDEST DREAM IS ANY ENTRY-LEVEL JOB.

HOW DOES IT WORK?

>> EACH WEEK, FIVE EXCEPTIONAL CANDIDATES WILL COME TO NEW YORK CITY FOR THE BIGGEST INTERVIEW

OF THEIR LIVES FOR A CHANCE TO LAND A DREAM JOB AT ONE OF AMERICA'S FINEST COMPANIES.

>> Stephen: YOU HEARD THEM-- A DREAM JOB, LIKE AN EDITORIAL ASSISTANT POSITION WITH

"COSMOPOLITAN."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S RIGHT, "THE" AN EDITORIAL ASSISTANT.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS PIONEERING FORM OF DESPER-TAINMENT IS SURE TO BE SUCH A HIT, OTHER NETWORKS ARE

SURE TO HAVE SPINOFFS, LIKE "MEAL OR NO MEAL,"

[LAUGHTER]

"AMERICANS, IDLE," AND "ARE YOU MORE EMPLOYABLE THAN A FIFTH GRADER?"

[LAUGHTER]

SO CONGRATULATIONS, CBS, FOR BRAVELY TURNING AMERICA'S UNEMPLOYMENT PROBLEM INTO

AMERICA'S ENTERTAINMENT SOLUTION.

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