Thought for Food - USDA Meatless Mondays & Plant Communication Research

  • Aired:  08/02/12
  •  | Views: 58,279

"Meatless Mondays" erase "Trichinosis Tuesdays," and morally superior vegans are actually vicious kale killers. (3:33)

>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

NATION, I'D SAY IF YOUR EYES ARE BIGGER THAN YOUR STOMACH, YOU NEED TO GET YOUR EYES STAPLED.

THIS IS THOUGHT FOR FOOD.

>> WHOO!

>> STEPHEN: FOLKS, I'M NO FAN OF USDA A BUNCH OF GOVERNMENT

BUREAUCRATS SITTING AROUND ALL DAY INSPECTING MY MEAT.

IT'S SICK STUFF.

NOW THIS BLOATED AGENCY HAS GONE TOO FAR.

>> DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE MIGHT HAVE BITTEN OFF WELL MORE THAN IT CAN CHEW.

AFTER AN INTERNAL NEWS LETTER ENCOURAGING EMPLOYEES TO PARTICIPATE IN MEATLESS MONDAYS

CAME TO LIGHT.

THE MEMO HAILING NOT EATING MEAT FOR ONE DAY IS A SIMPLE WAY TO REDUCE YOUR ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT.

>> STEPHEN: WHAT IF SN IF I HAVE MEATLESS MONDAYS HOW DO I CELEBRATE TRICHINOSIS TUESDAYS?

THIS WHOLE THING IS TYPICAL OF THE VEGG-ELITE.

NEW THEY'VE GOT PROBLEMS OF THEIR OWN.

ACCORDING TO THE JURN OF PLANT SCIENCE EVIDENTLY PLANTS CAN TALK.

RESEARCHERS FOUND THAT PLANTS NOT ONLY RESPOND TO SOUND BUT COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER WITH

CLICKING P NOISES JUST LIKE THE OLSEN TWINS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND PLANTS SUFFER,

SUPERSENSITIVE MICROPHONES PICKED UP A BUBBLING SOUND FROM A HEALTHY PLANT THAT ROSE TO A

PIERCING SCREECH WHEN THREATENED.

SO ALL THOSE SMUG MORALLY SUPERIOR VEGANS ARE ACTUALLY VICIOUS KALE KILLERS.

WHAT IS THAT CARROT?

OH, NO, OH, NO, WHAT?

OH, THEY TOOK YOUR BABIES AND DROWNED THEM IN RANCH DRESSINGS?

YOU MONSTERS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS -- TO GET THE MESSAGE OUT ABOUT THE QUIET SUFFERING OF OUR BOW TAL CALL BRETHREN, I CREATED

THE FOLLOWING PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

JIM?

♪ IN THE ARMS OF THE ANGELS ♪ ♪ FAR AWAY FROM HERE ♪

♪ FROM THIS DARK COLD HOTEL ROOM AND THE ENDLESSNESS THAT YOU FEEL ♪

>> STEPHEN: HI, I'M STEPHEN COLBERT ASKING YOU TO BE AN ANGEL FOR HELPLESS FRUIT OR VEGETABLES.

EVERY YEAR THESE INNOCENTS ARE VICIOUSLY PULLED FROM THEIR ROOTS AND KILLED FOR YOUR DINNER.

SOMETIMES JUST AS A GARNISH.

CAN YOU LOOK INTO THESE POTATOES EYES AND TELL THEM YOU DON'T CARE?

WILL YOU BREAK ANOTHER ART CHOKE'S HEART?

PLEASE DO YOUR PART AND EAT AS MUCH MEAT AS POSSIBLE BROUGHT TO YOU BY P-TOPS.

PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF PRODUCE.

ORANGE YOU GLAD YOU'RE NOT A BANANAA?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS BARNEY.

HE'S FOUND A GOOD HOME ALREADY.

TONIGHT I'M GOING TO INTRODUCE HIM TO HIS NEW FRIEND