Transit of Venus & Mars Reality Show Pitch

  • Aired:  06/06/12
  •  | Views: 9,879

Stephen's sun-gazing pays off, and the private sector offers Americans the chance to pick up and move to Mars. (3:57)

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>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE "REPORT," EVERYBODY, GOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN) THANK YOU SO MUCH!

FOLKS, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, FOLKS,

I'VE REALLY GOT TO TELL YOU, YOU FOLKS JUST CHANTED MY NAME.

YOU JUST CHANTED MY NAME WITH SUCH PRECISION THAT IF I DID NOT KNOW BETTER I WOULD THINK YOU

WERE AN ARMY OF ROBOTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) PLEASE, NATION, YOU KNOW, IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW THERE'S

SOMETHING I LIKE MORE THAN STARING DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN.

(LAUGHTER) I'VE GOT A CADILLAC HEALTH CARE PLAN SO I GET NEW RETINAS EVERY COUPLE OF WEEKS.

REPAIRS COURTESY OF A CHINESE DISSIDENT.

(LAUGHTER) ANYWAY, YESTERDAY MY SUN-GAZING FINALLY PAID OFF BECAUSE OF THE

RARE ASTRONOMICAL EVENT KNOWN AS THE TRANSIT OF VENUS.

WHEN VENUS PASSES IN FRONT OF THE SUN.

IT WAS TRULY ONE OF THE MOST MAJESTIC EXAMPLES OF SOMETHING PASSING IN FRONT OF SOMETHING ELSE.

(LAUGHTER) AND I HAVE PARTICULAR INTEREST BECAUSE, AS EVERYONE KNOWS,

SPACE IS KIND OF MY TURF.

I GOT A TREADMILL NAMED AFTER ME ON THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOT EVERYBODY'S GOT THAT.

MY D.N.A. HAS BEEN SENT INTO SPACE.

AND I DRINK SO MUCH TANG THAT I SWEAT ORANGE POWDER.

SAVES ME MONEY ON TALC.

NOW, SADLY, NASA'S BUDGET HAS BEEN SLASHED TO THE BONE.

I BELIEVE WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THEIR NEW LOW-COST G-FORCE TESTING FACILITY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HOUSTON, WE HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM.

(LAUGHTER) NOW, THANKFULLY, THE PRIVATE SECTOR HAS STEPPED IN TO KEEP US TRAVELING TO THE STARS.

>> THE COMPANY IS OFFERING A CHANCE TO PICK UP AND MOVE TO MARS.

THE IDEA IS TO FIRST SEND ROBOTS TO FIND A GOOD SITE FOR A SETTLEMENT THERE.

EVERY TWO YEARS AFTER THAT ANOTHER GROUP WILL JOIN THE SETTLEMENT TO POPULATE THE COLONY.

THE COMPANY PLANS TO PAY FOR A WHOLE THING BY TURNING THE WHOLE PROCESS INTO A REALITY SHOW.

>> Stephen: IT WILL BE LIKE "THE REAL WORLD" IN ZERO GRAVITY.

WHERE A HOUSEFUL OF HIP, YOUNG PEOPLE LEARN WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE THE BONE DENSITY OF AN 80-YEAR-OLD.

(LAUGHTER) , NOW THIS IS NO JOKE, FOLKS,

BECAUSE THE COMPANY, MARS 1, IS BACKED BY A NOBEL PRIZE WINNING PHYSICIST GERARD 'T HOOFT.

WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A STRANGE NAME UNTIL YOU LEARN THAT HE IS, IN FACT, HOOFT.

SORT OF A PITY NOBEL.

(LAUGHTER) YOU SEE, TAXPAYERS ARE TIRED OF FUNDING INTERPLANETARY MISSIONS

TO UNDERSTAND THE ORIGIN OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM.

BUT YOU TOSS TOGETHER A BUNCH OF EMOTIONALLY STUNTED SEXY SINGLES WITH SOME CELEBRITIES IN AN

EXTRA TREST KRAO *EL TRAOEL GEODESIC DOME, THAT'S DRAMA.

I MEAN, WHO WOULDN'T TUNE IN TO WATCH VANILLA ICE DIE OF HYPOXIA?

(LAUGHTER) NOW, YOU THOUGHT SUMMER IN A BEACH HOUSE ON THE JERSEY SHORE

WAS RIVETTING, WAIT UNTIL TAYLOR HICKS LEAVES THE SEAT UP ON THE VACUUM TOILET AND BRENDA IS

SUCKED INTO THE SILENT VOID OF