The Word - Labor Chains

  • Aired:  09/28/11
  •  | Views: 32,630

Some states have found a great way to discourage illegal immigrants from coming to America and squatting out a freedom fetus. (5:06)

NATION, REGULAR VIEWERS KNOW

THAT LAST NIGHT I DEFENDED TEXAS

GOVERNOR RICK PERRY FOR LAST

WEEKEND'S TONGUE-TIED DEBATE

PERFORMANCE.

BUT IN REVIEWING THE FOOTAGE,

FOLKS, I HAVE TO ADMIT, HE DID

MAKE ONE MAJOR GAFFE.

ONE TALKS ABOUT COLLEGE TUITION

SUBSIDIES FOR CHILDREN OF

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.

>> IF YOU SAY THAT WE SHOULD NOT

EDUCATE CHILDREN WHO COME INTO

OUR STATE FOR NO OTHER REASON

THAN THEY'VE BEEN BROUGHT THERE

BY NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN, I

DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A HEART.

>> Stephen: BOO.

BOO TO YOU, SIR.

THAT'S NOT... THAT DOES NOT PLAY

WELL WITH THE BASE.

JIM?

>> RICK PERRY MADE A BIG MISTAKE

ON THE ISSUE OF IMMIGRATION.

>> CONSERVATIVES GOT MAD AT HIM.

>> CONSERVATIVES ARE OFFENDED

WHEN YOU SUGGEST THEY DON'T HAVE

A HEART.

>> Stephen: YES, BECAUSE

CONSERVATIVES AND LIBERALS, ALL

AMERICANS HAVE HEARTS.

THERE'S JUST NO ROOM IN THERE

FOR IMMIGRANTS BECAUSE THE

VENTRICLES ARE FILLED WITH NACHO

CHEESE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT FOLKS, THERE ARE TEN MILLION

ILLEGALS IN THIS COUNTRY.

WE ARE WAY TOO SOFT WHEN IT

COMES TO APPREHENDING THEM.

CASE IN POINT, WHEN I HANDCUFF A

SUSPECTED ILLEGAL, I'M THE ONE

THAT GETS KICKED OUT OF AN EMMY

AFTER-PARTY?

MY APOLOGIES TO SOPHIA VERGARA.

NOW, LUCKILY I'M GRACIOUS ABOUT

IT.

LUCKILY SOME PEOPLE ARE

SUPPORTING THEIR SYMPATHY AND

GETTING TOUGH ON IMMIGRANTS, AND

IT'S THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S

WORD.

LABOR PAINS.

FOLKS, IF AMERICA IS GOING TO

SOLVE OUR ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

PROBLEMS, WE NEED TO LOOK INSIDE

OURSELVES WITH AN EMOTIONAL

MELON BALLER AND SCOOP OUT ANY

VESTIGE OFçó HUMANKINDNESS.

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO

PREGNANT ILLEGALS.

THEY'RE THE MOST DEVIOUS KIND

BECAUSE THEY SNEAK ACROSS OUR

BORDER WITH ANOTHER IMMIGRANT

HIDING INSIDE THEM.

FOR ALLçó WE KNOW, THERE'S ANOTHER

ONE HIDING INSIDE THE BABY.

NOW THESE WOMEN... THESE WOMEN

KNOW THAT THE SECOND THEY DROP

THEIR ANCHOR BABY ON U.S. SOIL

THE ILLEGAL RESOURCE-SUCKING

PARASITE INSIDE THEM THAT'S BEEN

STEALING JOBS FROM AMERICAN

EMBRYOS IS INSTANTLY TRANSFORMED

INTO THE GREATEST, BESTEST,

FREEST BABY IN THE WORLD.

YOU ARE SO CUTE.

YES, YOU ARE.

WHO DESERVES A FREE EDUCATION?

YOU DO.

YOU DO.

YOU SEE, I LOVE THIS BABY

BECAUSE HE IS AN AMERICAN.

BUT IF THAT BABY WERE BORN IN

MEXICO, HEY, SPEAK-A DA ENGLAIS,

GOO-GOO, GA-GA.

NOW LUCKILY SOME STATES HAVE

FOUND A GREAT WAY TO DISCOURAGE

THESE WOMEN FROM COMING HERE AND

SQUATTING OUT A FREEDOM FETUS.

RECENTLY IN ARIZONA AND

TENNESSEE, THREE PREGNANT WOMEN

WERE ARRESTED FOR NOT HAVING

PROPER IDENTIFICATION AND FORCED

TO GIVE BIRTH SHACKLED TO THEIR

HOSPITAL BEDS WITHOUT THEIR

HUSBANDS IN THE PRESENCE OF

PRISON GUARDS.

SO A QUICK TIP FOR THE OLIVE

SKINNED LADIES WHEN THEY'RE AT

TEN CENTIMETERS AND FULLY

EFFACED, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO

FIND YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE.

UNFORTUNATELY WHEN CONFRONTED

WITH A WOMAN IN LABOR, SOME LAW

ENFORCEMENT LAX THE AUTHORITY TO

SLAP THEM IN FOUR-POINT

RESTRAINTS BECAUSE SADLY THIS IS

LEGAL IN ONLY 36 STATES.

FOLKS, I SAY THIS IS DANGEROUS.

WE HAVE TO MANACLE THESE

MAMASITAS DOWN.

I MEAN, EVEN AMERICAN WOMEN IN

LABOR ARE DANGEROUS.

THEY HAVE SUPER STRENGTH AND

THEY GET MEAN AS A SNAKE.

MY WIFE TURNED INTO A

WOLF-HEADED SHE-CREATURE.

BUT I SAY... I SAY CHAINING

DOWN, CHAINING DOWN THESE WOMEN

IN LABOR IS NOT FAR ENOUGH.

SHE'S ALREADY SHACKLED TO A

HOSPITAL BED, WHY DON'T WE JUST

ROLL IT DOWN TO THE SOUTHERN

BORDER, CUT A HOLE IN THE WALL

AND LET HER POP THAT BABY OUT

INTO MEXICO.

THAT WAY IT'S NOT AN AMERICAN

CITIZEN AND I DON'T HAVE TO

TREAT IT WITH HUMAN DECENCY.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT, THIS

IS IMPORTANT, ATTENDING

PHYSICIANS PLEASE BE CAREFUL

WHEN DELIVERING THE INFANT.

DON'T CUT THE UMBILICAL CORD.

NOW THAT IT'S OFFICIALLY

MEXICAN, WE'RE GOING TO REEL

THAT BABY BACK INTO AMERICA.

YOU SEE, WE'RE GOING... WE'RE

GOING TO NEED IT.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]

WE'RE GOING THE NEED THAT BABY

FOR CHEAP, UNREGULATED LABOR.

THOSE SMALL SOFT HANDS ARE

PERFECT FOR HARVESTING

CLEMENTINES.

[LAUGHTER]

WE DO NOT WANT TO END UP WITH

BRUISED FRUIT.

THAT WOULD BE HEARTLESS.

AND THAT'S "THE WORD."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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