Dustin Hoffman's Bad News

  • Aired:  01/22/13
  •  | Views: 5,242

Dustin Hoffman cuts Stephen's character from "Quartet," so Stephen gets even. (5:30)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OF COURSE, IF YOU ARE WATCHING THE NEWS LIKE I AM, THE BIG STORY THAT EVERYBODY IS TALKING

ABOUT TONIGHT: BARACK OBAMA'S POWER GRAB AT THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE WANTS TO CUT THE NUMBER OF FREE ENTRANCE DAYS FROM 17 TO 11 THIS SUMMER.

ONCE AGAIN BOO BOO BARACK IS TRYING TO PUT A GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRAT BETWEEN -- YES?

>> EXCUSE ME, STEPHEN--

>> Stephen: DUSTIN HOFFMAN, EVERYBODY!

>> Stephen: I'M DOING THE THING RIGHT NOW.

>> STEPHEN, WE NEED TO TALK.

>> Stephen: WELL, OF COURSE, YOU'RE MY GUEST TONIGHT.

DUSTY AND I -- CAN I CALL YOU DUSTY?

>> YEAH.

DUSTY AND I HAD A GREAT TIME MAKING HIS NEW MOVIE "QUINTET" IN WHICH I PLAY THE PIVOTAL ROLE

OF BUDDY, THE SPOONS PLAYER.

>> YEAH, ABOUT THE MOVIE, WE NEED TO TALK.

>> YES!

LET'S TALK SEQUEL.

PICTURE THIS: "OCTET", STARRING ALL THE ORIGINAL CAST, PLUS ME IN FAT SUITS FOR THREE MORE ROLES.

IT WILL BE LIKE "THE KLUMPS" MEETS "TWILIGHT." FAT, AFRICAN AMERICAN VAMPIRES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> ACTUALLY, WE MADE SOME CHANGES IN EDITING, AND THERE'S NO EASY WAY TO SAY THIS, BUT

STEPHEN, I'M AFRAID I HAD TO CUT YOU FROM THE MOVIE.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]

>> Stephen: WHAT?

>> I'M REALLY SORRY, STEPHEN, THIS IS HOW THE BUSINESS WORKS.

I WAS COMPLETELY CUT OUT OF "RAIN MAN."

>> Stephen: YOU WON AN OSCAR FOR "RAIN MAN."

>> YES, FOR PLAYING RAYMOND.

BUT ORIGINALLY, I WAS SUPPOSED TO PLAY BOTH PARTS.

THEY ADDED TOM CRUISE IN POST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: BUT DUSTIN-TIN, CAN I CALL YOU TINTIN?

>> OKAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: TINNY, YOU CAN'T CUT OUT THE FIFTH CHARACTER AND STILL CALL IT "QUINTET."

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

THAT'S WHY WE CHANGED THE NAME.

>> Stephen: TO WHAT?

>> "QUARTET."

>> Stephen: "QUARTET?" THAT'S A STUPID NAME FOR A MOVIE!

>> IT'S NOT A STUPID NAME.

IT'S NOT A STUPID NAME SPOONS IS A STUPID CHARACTER CHOICE!

>> Stephen: YOU LEAVE SPOONS OUT OF THIS.

I KILLED IN THAT MOVIE.

JIMMY, RUN THE CLIP.

>> ALL THAT GLORY.

>> DIDN'T I SAY SHE STILL LOOKS LIKE A YOUNG GIRL?

>> REGGIE, DON'T I GET A KISS.

>> YEAH, KISS HER REG.

KISS PROFESSOR McGONEAGAL.

I'LL PLAY THE SPOONS!

I SAVED THAT SCENE.

USE YOUR EYES.

>> YOU RUINED THAT SEAFNL YOU RUINED EVERY SCENE YOU WERE IN THE FACT IS, STEPHEN, YOU'RE NOT

A GOOD ACTOR.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]

>> Stephen: SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

>> THAT YOU'RE NOT A GOOD ACTOR.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

I SEE.

I SEE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> STEPHEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Stephen: I'M TRYING TO CRY ON CUE, SO YOU'LL PUT ME BACK IN YOUR STUPID MOVIE.

>> STEPHEN, THE MOVIE'S ALREADY IN THEATERS.

>> Stephen JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE!

GOD, I WISH I HAD A DEAD PET.

>> STEPHEN, IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK!

YOU'RE CUT FROM THE MOVIE, ALL RIGHT?

>> Stephen: FINE YOU'RE CUT FROM THE SHOW.

>> YOU CAN'T CUT ME.

THE SHOW'S ALREADY STARTED.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GET A REPLACEMENT INTERVIEW NOW?

>> Stephen: YOU HOLLYWOOD DIRECTORS ARE A DPIEM A DOZEN.

ANYONE HERE A DIRECTOR?

>> I AM

>> Stephen: IT'S KATHRYN BIGELOW, OSCAR-WINNING DIRECTOR OF "THE HURT LOCKER!"

GOT ANY PROJECTS YOU ARE LOOKING TO PLUG RIGHT NOW?

>> "ZERO DARK THIRTY."

>> GOOD ENOUGH!

BIGELOW, YOU'RE IN!

HOFFMAN, YOU'RE OUT!

>> FINE! I'LL JUST GO WATCH "QUARTET," STARRING MAGGIE SMITH, BILLY CONNELLY, TOM

COURTENAY, PAULINE COLLINS AND NOT STEPHEN COLBERT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> BYE, DUSTY!

BYE, DUSTY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I CALL HIM DUSTY BECAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS.

WHEN WE RETURN, I SIT DOWN WITH DIRECTOR OF "ZERO DARK THIRTY," KATHRYN BIGELOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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