Sport Report - Snacks for Students & Cockfighting

  • Aired:  04/23/14
  •  | Views: 16,873

Student athletes win the right to eat unlimited snacks, and a senator becomes a vocal advocate for chicken boxing. (5:44)

NOW NATION, I'M A DIEHARDSPORTS FAN.

IN THAT IF NONE OF THEDIEHARD MOVIES ARE ON, I

WILL WATCH SPORTS.

THIS IS THE SPORT REPORT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> NATION, I HAVE WARNED YOU

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> NATION, I HAVE WARNED YOU

ABOUT THE DANGERS OFUNIONIZING COLLEGE SPORTS.

LAST MONTH NORTHWESTERNUNIVERSITY FOOTBALL PLAYERS

WERE ALLOWED TO FORM AUNION.

WHAT IDIOT TAUGHT THEM TOWORK TOGETHER TOWARD A

COMMON GOAL?

AND EVER SINCE COLLEGIATELETS HAVE BEEN GRIPING, LIKE

SHABAZZ NAPIER, STAR POINTGUARD OF THE CHAMPION UCONN

HUSKIES.

>> AT THE END OF THE DAYTHAT DOESN'T COVER

EVERYTHING.

WE DO HAVE HUNGRY NIGHTSTHAT WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH

MONEY TO GET FOOD.

I DON'T THINK, YOU KNOW,STUDENT ATHLETES SHOULD GET

HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OFDOLLARS.

LIKE I SAID THERE ARE HUNGRYNIGHTS THAT I GO TO BED AND

I'M STARVING.

>> Stephen: OH, THAT ISWRONG.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING GOING TOBED?

YOU SHOULD BE PRACTICING.

YOU GOT TIME TO LAY DOWN,YOU GOT TIME TO LAY UP.

SADLY, FOLKS, THE NCAA HEARDHIS STARVED RAMBLINGS AND

CRUMBLED FASTER THAN ANUNDERFED POINT GUARD.

>> THE NCAA HAS ANNOUNCEDCOLLEGIATE LETS CAN NOW

RECEIVE UNLIMITED MEALS ANDSNACKS.

THE NEW RULE APPLIES TO BOTHSCHOLARSHIP ATHLETES AND

WALK-ONS.

>> Stephen: UNLIMITED MEALSAND SNACKS.

I MEAN WHO DO THESE PLAYERSTHINK THEY ARE, BASKETBALL

FANS?

(LAUGHTER)COLLEGE ATHLETES NEED TO STAY

HUNGRY, IT MOTIVATES THEM TOWIN CHAMPIONSHIPS.

SO THAT DURING THE GATORADEDUMP THEY CAN SUCK

ELECTROLYTES OFF THE COACH'SWINDBREAKER.

AND I KNOW, THE ONLY REASONFOOTBALL PLAYERS STRIVE TO

MAKE THE TOSTITOS BOWL ISOUT OF HOPE IT IS AN ACTUAL

BOWL OF TOSTITOS.

WORST OF ALL, THESE FREESNACKS VIOLATE THE NUMBER

ONE RULE OF SPORTS.

ONLY WINNERS GET ICE CREAM.

LOSERS HAVE THEIR OWN PRIZE,A SILENT CAR RIDE HOME WITH

DAD.

(LAUGHTER)IF YOU'RE SO HUNGRY,

MISTER, EAT THE TENSION.

NEXT UP ON THE SPORT REPORT,COCK-FIGHTING.

FOLKS, I LOVE THE SWEET ANDSOUR SCIENCE, THE SPORT OF

CHICKEN A LA KING.

COCK FIGHTING IS LIKE MIXEDMARTIAL ARTS MEETS KFC'S

MIXED GRILL BUCKET.

UNFORTUNATELY FORCOCKTHUSIASTS LIKE MYSELF,

I HAVE SOME BADCOCK-A-DOODLE NEWS.

BECAUSE THERE'S A NEWANTI-COCK-FIGHTING BILL IN

LOUISIANA THAT HAS STATESENATOR ELBERT GUILLORY

CRYING YOU WILL FOWL SAYINGTHIS BILL IS FOR THE BIRDS

AND IT'S REALLY RUFFLED HISFEATHERS.

DRUM STICKS.

>> THE STATE SENATOR SAYSTHE BILL THREATENS A SPORT

HE CALLS CHICKEN BOXING.

>> SENATOR ELBERT CALLSCHICKEN BOXING A LEGITIMATE

SPORT.

>> GUILLORY SAYS CHICKENBOXING IS SIMILAR TO HUMAN

BOX, THAT THE MATCHES ARENOT FOUGHT TO THE DEATH.

>> Stephen: YES, CHICKENBOXING, IT'S JUST LIKE HUMAN

BOXING EXCEPT WHEN IT'S OVERTHE CHICKENS HAVE BETTER

SHORT-TERM MEMORY.

AND FOLKS, IT IS PERFECTLYSAFE.

SENATORS GUILLORY EXPLAINEDTHAT THE CHICKENS CAN ENGAGE

IN THEIR SPORT WITHOUTHURTING EACH OTHER.

THEY PUT LITTLE BOXINGGLOVES ON THEM AND THEY

FIGHT IN ROUNDS SO THEY CANGET WATER AND COOL OFF.

IF THEY'RE HOT THEY GETWATER AND IF THEY'RE LOSING

THEY GET OLIVE OIL, SALT ANDPEPPER AND A SQUEEZE OF

LEMON.

PLUS CHICKEN BOXING HASSTRICT RULES LIKE EACH

COMBATANT SHALL WEARSTANDARD FOWL SAFETY BOXING

GEAR.

YES, JUST YOUR STANDARD FOWLSAFETY BOXING GEAR.

JUST CHECK THE POULTRYCOUNTER AT THE SPORTS

AUTHORITY.

PERSONALLY I DO HOPE THATINCLUDES A MOUTH GUARD

BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN TOO MANYCHICKENS WITHOUT ANY TEETH.

SADLY, FOLKS, THE LOUISIANASENATE HAS REJECTED THIS

REASONABLE CHICKEN BOXINGAMENDMENT.

BUT I WANT TO SALUTEGUILLORY FOR TRYING TO KEEP

BIG GOVERNMENT OUT OF OURCHICKEN SPORTING EVENTS.

BECAUSE WHERE DOES IT END?

FIRST IT'S COCK-FIGHTING,NOW CHICKEN BOXING, AM I

GOING TO HAVE TO CLOSE MYCHICKEN DOJO?

(LAUGHTER)WHAT'S NEXT, NO MORE POULTRY

JOUSTING?

YOU TELL ME, LOUISIANASENATE, WHAT MANNER OF

CHICKEN COMBAT SHALL YOURLAW ALLOW?

JUST TELL US THE WAY WE CANHAVE CHICKENS ATTACK EACH

OTHER FOR OUR AMUSEMENT ANDWE WILL DO IT.

AND DON'T YOU DARE SAYCHICKEN NASCAR.

BECAUSE SURE THEY CAN WORKTHE GAS PEDAL BUT THEY DON'T

KNOW HOW TO SHIFT ANDTHEY'RE ALWAYS BURNING OUT

THE TRANSMISSION.

SO PLEASE, I BEG YOU,LEGALIZE CHICKEN BOXING.

AND MAKE NO MISTAKE THIS ISNOT ABOUT HUMANS WATCHING

BIRDS PUMMEL EACH OTHER.

IT'S ABOUT HELPING THECHICKENS.

BOXING GIVES THEM A PATH INLIFE, A ONE WAY TICKET OUT

OF PALOOKAVILLE.

SO THAT NONE OF THEM HAS TOTURN TO THEIR OLDER BROTHER

ONE DAY AND SAY IT WAS YOU,CHARLIE.

I COULD HAVE HAD CLASS.

I COULD HAVE BEEN SOMEBODY.

I COULD HAVE BEEN-- ACHICKEN TENDER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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