The Conservative Teen

  • Aired:  03/28/12
  •  | Views: 33,164

Finally there's a publication for kids who are sick of doing their own thing and just want to conform to conservative ideals. (2:47)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

NATION, THIS IS GOING TO BE A BIG YEAR FOR THE REPUBLICANS,

BUT SOME CLAIM THEY'VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH ONE DEMOGRAPHIC.

>> YOUNG PEOPLE ARE NOT, YOU KNOW, BEING ATTRACTED TO THIS CURRENT FIELD OF REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES.

>> THERE'S REALLY A GAP IN TERMS OF THE REPUBLICAN VOTING AND MILLENNIAL VOTING.

>> THE REPUBLICAN PARTY NEEDS TO FIGURE OUT HOW DO WE EXCITE YOUTH AGAIN.

>> Stephen: WELL, AS THE KIDS WOULD SAY, POPPYCOCK.

( LAUGHTER ) THE REPUBLICAN YOUTH ARE ENTHUSED.

AT THE RALLIES, I'VE SEEN SOME VERY YOUNG A.A.R.P. MEMBERS.

I'M TALKING 51-YEAR-OLDS.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW, REPUBLICANS HAVE FOUND A WAY TO LURE THE YOUTH VOTER OF

TOMORROW WITH A BRAND NEW MAGAZINE "THE CONSERVATIVE TEEN." ( LAUGHTER )

FINALLY, A PUBLICATION FOR KIDS WHO ARE SICK OF DOING THEIR OWN THING AND JUST WANT TO CONFORM

TO CONSERVATIVE IDEALS.

IT'S EVERYTHING YOUNG FOLKS LOVE, STARTING WITH THE FACT THAT IT'S AVAILABLE ONLY AS A

52-PAGE PRINTABLE P.D.Y., " WHY O.

( LAUGHTER ).

THAT'S THE SAME DOCUMENT FORMAT MY ACCOUNTANT USES TO SEND ME MY W-TO-THE-2s.

THE CONSERVATIVE TEEN, OR T.C.T., AS SOMEONE MIGHT CONCEIVABLY CALL IT, IS FULL OF

RAD ARTICLES THAT NO TEEN CAN RESIST, FROM GOVERNMENT CREATE POVERTY TO WHY ABSINNENCE WORKS

AND HOW IT CAN WORK FOR YOU.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT ISSUE FEATURING A LIST OF 50 WAYS TO

MAKE YOUR MAN SAY, "NOT YET." ( LAUGHTER ) AND, KIDS, THIS AIN'T YOUR

FATHER'S MAGAZINE.

IT WAS JUST WRITTEN BY HIM.

( LAUGHTER ) T.C.T. IS LODED WITH SHOUT-OUTS FROM YOUTH ICONS LIKE JOHN

STOSSEL, THE ORIGINAL HIPSTER WITH A NONIRONIC MUSTACHE.

ACCORDING TO HIS BYLINE, JOHN STOSSEL IS THE VERY WELL-KNOWN HOST OF STOSSEL ON THE FOX

BUSINESS NETWORK.

SO, TEENS, THAT'S WHY YOU KNOW HIM SO WELL.

PLUS T.C.T. REVEALS PRESIDENT OBAMA IS A TOTAL POSER BECAUSE THEY KNOW THE FIRST REAL BLACK

PRESIDENT WAS RONALD REAGAN.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) YUP.

AND BY THE WAY, FOR THE RECORD,

IT'S ONLY OKAY FOR OTHER CONSERVATIVES TO SAY, "WHAT UP,

MY GIPPA?" ( LAUGHTER ) SO, I WANT TO GIVE THE MEN AND WOMEN BEHIND THIS MAGAZINE MY

HEARTFELT CONGRATULATIONS.

THANKS TO "THE CONSERVATIVE TEEN," THE FUTURE OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS AS BRIGHT AS

Loading...