Fallback Position - Astronaut Pt. 1

  • Aired:  06/21/10
  •  | Views: 35,740

Stephen admits to Steve Lindsey that he lashes out in zero gravity, has a spastic colon and needs a lot of time alone. (8:04)

NATION, IN THIS ECONOMY, NO JOB

IS SAFE, NOT EVEN MINE.

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE AGREED TO

TEACH THAT LEARN HOW TO HOST

"THE COLBERT REPORT" CLASS AT

THE LEARNING ANNEX.

THIS PUNDIT JOB FALLS THROUGH,

I'LL HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER JOB

THAT'S LESS IMPORTANT, LIKE

ASTRONAUT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE WINDOW ON THAT CAREER

CHOICE IS CLOSING FASTER THAN MY

OTHER BACK-UP, GERBER BABY

MODEL.

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, I CAN'T PLAY 16 MONTHS

FOREVER.

NASA HAS ONLY TWO MANNED

MISSIONS LEFT BEFORE THE SHUTTLE

FLEET IS RETIRED SO THERE IS NO

TIME TO WASTE.

THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S

FALLBACK POSITION.

[LAUGHTER]

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪♪

I HEADED TO NASA HEADQUARTERS AT

THE JOHNSON SPACE CENTER IN

HOUSTON, TEXAS, TO BECOME AN

ASTRONAUT.

FIRST I SAT DOWN WITH THE

COMMANDER OF THE SPACE SHUTTLE

"DISCOVERY," STEVE LINDSAY.

COMMANDER, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

TALKING TO ME TODAY.

>> GOOD TO BE HERE.

>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.

>> Stephen: WHY ARE YOU THE

GUY TO MAKE ME AN ASTRONAUT?

>> WELL, I HAVE A LOT OF

EXPERIENCE.

I'VE FLOWN FOUR SPACE SHUTTLE

MISSIONS.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE MOON

LIKE?

>> I HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE MOON.

>> Stephen: CAN I GET ONE OF

THOSE MOON GUYS?

THEY'RE HOW OLD?

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, IF YOU CAN'T GET A MOON

GUY, I'LL TAKE THIS GUY.

GO AHEAD.

>> I WAS THE CHIEF OF THE

ASTRONAUT OFFICE FOR OVER THREE

YEARS.

>> Stephen: YOU REALLY BELIEVE

IN MANNED SPACE FLIGHTS?

>> I ABSOLUTELY DO?

>> Stephen: WHY?

>> WHEN YOU GO AFTER A DIFFICULT

OBJECTIVE, LIKE BUILDING THE

SPACE STATION...

>> Stephen: HOW DIFFICULT IS

THAT?

>> IT'S VERY DIFFICULT.

>> Stephen: HOW MUCH OF THAT

IS HYPE, BUILDING A SPACE

STATION, ORBITING THE EARTH.

>> NONE OF THAT IS HYPE.

IT MAY LOOK EASY...

>> Stephen: IT LOOKS LIKE

SNAPPING TOGETHER LEGOS, BIG

LEGO, SPACE LEGOS, BUT STILL...

>> THE MOST ELEGANT ENGINEERING

SOLUTIONS ARE THE SIMPLEST.

>>

>> Stephen: HERE'S THE

QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND:

HAVE YOU EVER DONE IT AT ZERO G?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

IF YOU HAD, WOULD YOU TELL ME?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

SO I CAN SAFELY ASSUME THAT YOU

HAVE.

>> YOU CAN ASSUME NOTHING.

>> Stephen: NASA HAS TO HAVE

TRIED, RIGHT?

THAT'S JUST SCIENCE.

>> NO.

>> Stephen: IT HAS TO HAVE

HAPPENED.

>> .

NO

>> Stephen: IT HAPPENED.

>> NO.

>> Stephen: JUST SAY IT

HAPPENED.

>> LET'S NOT.

>> Stephen: BECAUSE I'VE DONE

AN INFORMAL POLL OF WHAT SOME

PEOPLE ARE CURIOUS ABOUT.

IT'S A VERY INTERESTING RESULT.

THE FIRST ONE IS THEY WANT TO

KNOW HOW YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM.

HOW DO YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM.

>> WE HAVE A COMPLEX SPACE

TOILET.

WE TURN ON A FAN THAT'S

ESSENTIALLY A VACUUM.

WE HAVE TRAINER WITH A CAMERA SO

YOU CAN LINE YOURSELF UP

PROPERLY.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

>> BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TELL IN

ZERO GRAVITY.

>> Stephen: IS THAT A LIVE

INTERNET WEB FEED?

>> IT IS, IT IS.

>> Stephen: PEOPLE GOING TO

THE BATHROOM?

>> NASA.GOV.

>> OF PEOPLE GOING TO THE

BATHROOM?

>> NO, JUST THE TRAINER.

>> Stephen: YOU'LL PUT THAT

ONLINE BUT YOU WON'T ANSWER THE

QUESTION OF WHETHER OR NOT YOU

HAVE SEX IN SPACE?

>> I'M NOT PUTTING ANYTHING ON

LINE.

IT'S NOT MY JOB.

>> Stephen: NOT YOUR JOB.

HAVE YOU EVER GONE TO THE

BATHROOM ON THE INTERNET?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: AND HOW DO YOU

HAVE SEX IN SPACE?

>> VERY CAREFULLY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: I'M A HUGE

BELIEVER IN THE SPACE PROGRAM.

I'M A BELIEVER IN PUTTING MEN

INTO SPACE.

KIDS DON'T LOOK UP TO ROBOTS.

NO KID FOLLOWS AROUND THEIR

ROOMBA IN THEIR HOUSE AND SAYS,

I WANT TO BE A VACUUM CLEANER

WHEN I GROW UP.

NO, THEY FOLLOW AROUND A PERSON.

THEY SAY, I WANT TO BE A FLOOR

CLEANER WHEN I GROW UP, SAME

THING FOR ASTRONAUTS.

THEY WANT TO FOLLOW MAN INTO

SPACE, NOT A ROBOT.

YEA OR NAY, SIR?

HOW SAY YOU?

>> I THINK WE'RE MORE MOTIVATED

BY PEOPLE GOING INTO SPACE THAN

ROBOTS GOING INTO SPACE.

>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY.

>> ROBOTS PLAY AN IMPORTANT

ROLE, BUT SO DO PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: BECAUSE ROBOTS

CAN'T HAVE SEX IN SPACE.

>> I'M IN THE SURE ABOUT THAT.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE RIGHT.

THE JAPANESE ARE PROBABLY

ALREADY WORKING ON THAT.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

NOT INVOLVED IN ROBOTIC SPACE

EXPLORATION THANKFULLY.

BUT I THINK IT'S GREAT YOU'RE

INTERVIEWING US.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> WE NEED TO LEARN ABOUT YOU.

>> Stephen: FIRE, FIRE.

>> FIRST QUESTION, REAL EASY

ONE.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE AN

ASTRONAUT?

>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY THE

JUMPSUITS ARE A BIG PART OF THE

DRAW.

YOU KNOW, I FIND THEY'RE VERY

SLENDERIZING.

ORANGE IS MY COLOR.

>> OKAY.

WELL, YOU'RE HERE OBVIOUSLY.

THAT'S DEBATABLE WHETHER I'M AN

AMERICAN HERO.

>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY.

I GOT TO SAY, THAT'S PART OF THE

DRAW.

YOU CAN JUST SAY, YOU CAN HAVE

CARDS PRINTED UP TO SAY, STEPHEN

COLBERT, AMERICAN HERO.

>> SO THAT'S WHAT YOUR CARD

WOULD SAY?

>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S WHAT

MY CARD DOES SAY.

IT ALREADY SAYS "ASTRONAUT," TOO

BUT IT WOULD BE NICE TO MAKE IT

OFFICIAL.

>> I UNDERSTAND.

NEXT QUESTION, GO.

>> WE'RE INTERVIEWING FOR A LONG

DURATION MISSION, SIX MONTHS ON

THE SPACE STATION.

WE'RE THINKING YOU'LL BE UP

THERE WITH SIX OTHER

INTERNATIONAL ASTRONAUTS

ESSENTIALLY LOCKED IN A

WINNEBAGO-SIZED SPACE FOR SICK

MONTHS AT A TIME.

WITH YOUR PERSONALITY, WE NEED

TO KNOW YOU CAN WORK AS PART OF

THAT TEAM.

>> Stephen: I TEND TO LASH OUT

IN LOW GRAVITY.

I HAVE SPASTIC COLON.

I NEED A LOT OF TIME ALONE.

I NEED A LOT OF TIME ALONE.

>> ALONE

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, "ALONE."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> WELL, DO YOU HAVE INDIVIDUAL

QUARTERS UP THERE, BUT THEY'RE

VERY SMALL.

>> Stephen: HOW SMALL?

>> ABOUT AS WIDE AS THE CHAIR

YOU'RE SITTING IN.

>> Stephen: SO A SPACE COFFIN.

IS THERE A LARGER ROOM WE CAN DO

THIS IN?

THIS ROOM IS TOO SMALL FOR ME.

>> STEPHEN, BACK TO THE

INTERVIEW.

>> Stephen: SORRY.

I HAVE A FEAR OF TUBES AND

WIRING.

>> TUBES AND WIRING.

OKAY.

>> Stephen: AND I'M NOT GOOD

WITH HEIGHT.

>> YOU'RE NOT GOOD WITH HEIGHT.

>> Stephen: OR FOLLOWING

ORDERS.

>> FOLLOWING ORDERS.

>> Stephen: I'M MORE OF A FREE

SPIRIT.

>> SO IF YOU WENT UP, YOU'D NEED

TO BE THE COMMANDER.

>>

>> Stephen: RIGHT.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

I KNOW YOU'RE A COMMANDER, BUT I

HAVE PATCH THAT SAYS I'M

COMMANDER: IT'S NOT A CONTEST,

BUT YOU'RE NOT WINNING.

>> I DIDN'T START AS A

COMMANDER.

>> Stephen: I DID, SO I COULD

BE FIELD MARSHAL BY THE TIME WE

GET UP THERE.

>> FIELD MARSHAL.

ONE QUESTION I HAVE FOR YOU,

BECAUSE WE HIRE YOU TO BE AN

LAST NOT, THAT DOESN'T MEAN

WE'LL NECESSARILY GIVE YOU AN

OPPORTUNITY TO FLY IN SPACE.

ARE YOU WILLING TO COME HERE ON

THE CHANCE THAT YOU MAY NEVER

NIGH TO SPACE.

>> Stephen: AS LONG AS YOU AND

I KNOW.

>> OKAY.

STEEP STOOP DID I DO THAT RIGHT

BY THE WAY?

>> THAT WAS...

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> I HAVE SOME ASTRONAUT LINED

UP TO GIVE YOU SOME SPECIFIC

TRAINING.

WHY DON'T WE WALK OUT AND MEET

THEM RIGHT NOW.

>> Stephen: LET'S DO IT.

FINALLY, IT WAS TIME TO REALLY

BEGIN MY TRAINING.

READY.

>> YOU CAN MOVE A LITTLE BIT

FASTER.

>> Stephen: GETTING READY.

>> OKAY.

>> Stephen: JOIN US TOMORROW

WHEN I CONTINUE MY TRAINING IN

PART TWO OF "STEPHEN COLBERT'S

FALLBACK POSITION: ASTRONAUT."

JIMMY, LET'S GIVE 'EM TASTE.

UM, HAVE YOU HAD SEX IN SPACE?

IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE SEX IN

SPACE?

WHAT'S SEX LIKE IN SPACE?

>> IT'S NOT PART OF THE PROGRAM.

I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE.

I DON'T KNOW.

>> WE ARE SO BUSY.

>> YES.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE JUST TOO

BUSY TO HAVE SEX IN SPACE?

WOULD YOU TELL ME?

>> I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

THAT.

>> Stephen: NO ONE IN NASA

SEEMS TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

THAT.

>> WE HAVE NOT PLANNED FOR THAT

PARTICULAR EVENT.

>> Stephen: NOBODY DOES.

WHEN YOU DON'T PLAN FOR SEX, IT

Loading...