Rick Perry's Debate Gaffe & Arizona's Primary Date

  • Aired:  09/27/11
  •  | Views: 44,804

Rick Perry throws up all over himself at the third Republican debate, and Arizona steals South Carolina's presidential primary date. (6:43)

I GOT TO TELL YOU, I DON'T KNOW

WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO FIND THAT

KIND OF CASH.

FOLKS, I DON'T LIKE WHAT I'M

HEARING PEOPLE SAY ABOUT RICK

PERRY.

HE HAS HAD Açó BAD WEEK LARGELY

BECAUSE OF ONE MOMENT IN

THURSDAY'S REPUBLICAN DEBATE.

>> I THINK AMERICANS JUST DON'T

KNOW SOMETIMES WHICH MITT ROMNEY

THEY'RE DEALING WITH.

IS IT THE MITT ROMNEY THAT WAS

ON THE SIDE OF... AGAINST THE

SECOND AMENDMENT BEFORE HE WAS

FOR THE SECOND AMENDMENT?

WAS ITÑi IS... BEFORE HE WAS

BEFORE THE SOCIAL PROGRAMS FROM

THE STANDPOINT OF HE WAS FAR...

STANDING FUN FOR "ROE V. WADE"

BEFORE HE WAS AGAINST "ROE V.

WADE."

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT YOUÑi GET

WHEN YOUR HEAD SPEECH WRITER IS

MAGNETIC POETRY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND FOLKS, FOLLOWING THIS

DEBACLE, THE LONG FIVES ARE OUT.

>> PERRY DID A LOT OF DAMAGE TO

HIMSELF.

>> HE WAS NOT READY.

>> YIKES, THAT WAS THE ONE WORD

HEADLINE.

>> PERRY REALLY DID THROW UP ALL

OVER HIMSELF.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: THOUGHTFUL ANALYSIS,

BRITT, THANK YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I'D GO EVEN FURTHER.

PERRY THREW UP ALL OVER HIMSELF

THEN CHOPPED OFF HIS OWN HEAD

AND CRAPPED DOWN HIS OWN NECK

HOLE.

(LAUGHTER)

TORE UP HIS BELLY AND NAILED HIS

INTESTINES TO A TREE AND RANÑi

AROUND IT UNTIL HE UNRAVELED HIS

OWN GUTS.

HE DEFILED HIMSELF WITH EVERY

BODILY FLUID KNOWN TO MAN OTHER

THAN SANTORUM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)Ñi

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO OVERSTATE

THE HORRIFIC NATURE OF PERRY'S

DEBATE PERFORMANCE.

I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT IT AGAIN.

JIMMY, I BELIEVE WE HAVE ANOTHER

ANGLE.

>> WAS IT WAS BEFORE... IT WAS

BEFORE...

(LAUGHTER)

OH, THAT A GAS.

AND PERRY'S OPPONENTS HAVE BEEN

QUICK TO CAPITALIZE ON IT.

IF YOU NOTICE-- AND I SWEAR I AM

NOT MAKING THIS UP-- THAT

YOUTUBE FOOTAGE PAID FOR BY MITT

ROMNEY FOR PRESIDENT.

(LAUGHTER)

AT THIS POINT THERE'S ONLY ONE

THING TO SAY ABOUT PERRY-- I

LIKE THIS GUY.

BECAUSE, FOLKS, THIS WEEKEND HE

DID NOT RUN AWAY FROM HIS DEBATE

PERFORMANCE, HE OWNED IT!

>> IT'S NOT WHO IS THE SLICKEST

CANDIDATE OR THE SMOOTHEST

DEBATER THAT WE NEED TO ELECT

>> WHAT AMERICANS ARE LOOKING

FOR ISN'T THE SLICKEST

CANDIDATE.

THEY'RE LOOKING FOR AN AUTHENTIC

PRINCIPALED LEADER.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY.

SO WHAT IF HE'S NOT A SLICK

TALKER.

SOME OF OUR GREATEST PRESIDENTS

HAVE BEEN TONGUE TIED ON

OCCASIONS.

HOW SOON WE FORGET THIS.

>> FOOL ME ONCE...

(LAUGHTER)

... SHAME ON... SHAME ON YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

FOOL F YOU FOOL ME, YOU CAN'T

GET FOOLED AGAIN!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: IS THAT

INTELLIGIBLE?

NO!

THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE FEVERED

RAMBLINGS OF A SYPHILITIC BRAIN!

BUT HE WAS AUTHENTIC!

SO WHAT IF RICK PERRY THREW UP

ALL OVER HIMSELF.

GEORGE H.W. BUSH THREW UP ALL

OVER HIMSELF AND THE PRIME

MINISTER OF JAPAN!

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IS WHAT'S CALLED TRICKLE

DOWN!

(LAUGHTER)

A PRESIDENT DOES NOT NEED TO BE

ARTICULATE.

WHEN THE MOMENT OF TRUTH COMES,

HE PUSHES THE BUTTON.

HE DOESN'T CONVINCE THE BUTTON

TO PUSH ITSELF.

HE'S NOT THE CONVINCER IN CHIEF,

HE'S THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.

AND BY "COMMAND" I DON'T MEAN OF

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND AMERICA IS CLEARLY ON THIS

WITH... WITH ME ON ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CLEARLY AMERICA IS WITH ME ON

THIS ONE!

CNN'S POLL AFTER HIS

MUMBLE-MOUTHED TRAIN WRECK GIVES

PERRY AN EIGHT-POINT LEAD.

CLEARLY HE NEEDS TO SHOW UP AT

THE NEXT DEBATE WITH A MOUTHFUL

OF ANGRY BEES.

(LAUGHTER)ñr

AND WHILE BACHMANN HAS IOWA AND

ROOMNY IS STRONG IN NEW

HAMPSHIRE, MY HOME STATE OF

SOUTH CAROLINA LOVES RICK

PERRY-- ANDÑi THAT'S THE PROBLEM,

FOLKS, BECAUSE SOUTH CAROLINA IS

THE THIRD PRIMARY STATE BUT

ARIZONA GOVERNOR JANUARY CREWER

HAS ANNOUNCED SHE IS MOVING

THEIR PRIMARY UP TO FEBRUARY 28,

SOUTH CAROLINA'S DATE!

WELL, GOVERNOR BREWER HAS MESSED

WITH THE WRONG STEPHEN COLBERT.

THIS ONE!ñr

SHE SAYS SHE'S DOING IT SO THAT

SOUTHWESTERN ISSUES ARE

ADDRESSED BY THE CANDIDATES IN A

MEANINGFUL FASHION.

OH, YEAH, IT'S TIME FOR AMERICA

TO HAVE A SERIOUS DEBATE ON

WHETHER IT'S CACTUSES OR CACTI.

(BLEEP), JAN!

THIS IS ABOUT THE MONEY!Ñi

STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THATñr

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES SPEND UP

TO 75% OF THEIR CAMPAIGN BUDGETS

ON THE FIRST FEW PRIMARY STATES.

BUYING ADS, TRANSPORTATION,

LODGING.

IT'S AN ORGY OF SPENDING AND

SOUTH CAROLINA IS SUPPOSED STOP

THE LUCKY PIERRE IN THAT

MONETARY ASS PILE.

BUT ARIZONA IS MUSCLING IN.

AND NOW MICHIGAN HAS PASSED A

BILL MOVING THEIR PRIMARY TO

FEBRUARY 28 AND FLORIDA WANTS TO

MOVE THEIRS EVEN EARLIER THAN

THAT!

NOW, FLORIDA GOING EARLIER MAKES

SENSE.

WHEN YOUR AVERAGE VOTER IS 93,

EVERY SECOND COUNTS.

(APPLAUSE)

WELL, FOLKS, SOUTH CAROLINA

VOTERS REFUSED TO BE TREATED

LIKE SECOND-CLASS CITIZENS.

STATE REPUBLICAN CHAIR CHAD

CONNOLLY TOLD "U.S.A. TODAY"

"WE'RE GOING TO BE FIRST IN THE

SOUTH AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO

SHARE OUR DATE WITH ANYBODY,

ESPECIALLY A STATE THAT BREAKS

THE RULES."

YEAH!

SOUTH CAROLINA HAS PROVEN THAT

UNLESS YOU PLAY BY THEIR RULES

THEY WILL TAKE THEIR STATE AND

GO HOME!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, I SAY I SAY IN ALL THAT

CAMPAIGN CASH IS ATTRACTING ALL

THE EARLY PRIMARIES, LET'S MAKE

SURE SOUTH CAROLINA GETS ALL

THAT CAMPAIGN CASH BY LETTING

THE CASH DECIDE THE PRIMARY.

JUST DO AWAY WITH THE VOTING AND

GIVE ALL OUR DELEGATES TO

WHOEVER SPENDS THE MOST MONEY!

ON PRIMARY DAY, CAMPAIGNS JUST

HAND IN THEIR RECEIPTS.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT WAY, UNLIKE ELECTRONIC

VOTING, AT LEAST WE'LL HAVE A

PAPER TRAIL.

(LAUGHTER)

TO PROTECT YOUR INTERESTS, SOUTH

CAROLINA, AS LONG AS WE'RE

DECIDING PRESIDENTIAL BIDS,

SHOULDN'T WE GIVE OUR STATE TO

THE HIGHEST BIDDER?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)