Lance Armstrong's Doping Scandal

  • Aired:  10/23/12
  •  | Views: 23,419

The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency comes down on Lance Armstrong, and Stephen addresses accusations of ball doping. (6:31)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, THANKS SO MUCH.

THANKS, FOLKS!

NATION, THERE IS NO BIGGER FAN OF THE SPORT OF CYCLING THAN YOURS TRULY.

(LAUGHTER) I LOVE EVERY PART OF IT: THE WHEELS, THE KICK STAND, THE LITTLE BELL.

OF COURSE, MY HERO IS SEVEN-TIME TOUR DE FRANCE WINNER AND FRIEND OF THE SHOW LANCE ARMSTRONG.

A PIONEER IN THE SPORT HE WAS, OF COURSE, THE FIRST MAN TO RIDE HIS BIKE ON THE MOON.

(LAUGHTER) THAT'S ONE SMALL PAIR OF SHORTS FAR MAN, ONE GIANT BULGE FOR MANKIND.

(LAUGHTER) OF COURSE, ALL THAT IS RUINED NOW BECAUSE THE U.S. ANTI-DOPING AGENCY IS ACCUSED ARMSTRONG OF

LEADING A MASSIVE DOPING PROGRAM THROUGHOUT HIS CAREER.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'RE COMING DOWN ON LANCE FOR DOPING!

OF COURSE YOU NEED DRUGS TO COMPETE IN A MULTIWEEK BICYCLE RACE!

YOU NEED DRUGS JUST TO WATCH ONE!

(LAUGHTER) AND NOW MY FRIEND LANCE HAS RECEIVED THE HARSHEST PUNISHMENT IN THE HISTORY OF CYCLING.

>> CYCLING'S INTERNATIONAL GOVERNING BODY STRIPPED LANCE ARMSTRONG OF HIS SEVEN TOUR DE FRANCE TITLES AND BANNED HIM FOR

LIFE FROM THE SPORT.

>> Stephen: SO WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO TO THE TITLES NOW, GIVE THEM TO THE RUNNERS UP?

OH, I'M SURE THEY WEREN'T DOPING.

THEY FINISHED SECOND BEHIND A GUY WHO ROCKETED UP MOUNTAIN SIDES WITH POWDERED MONKEY NUT INJECTED INTO HIS HEART.

(LAUGHTER) YEAH, THESE GUYS ARE CLEAN, NO DOUBT.

SQUEAKY.

(LAUGHTER) BUT, FOLKS, LOSING HIS SEVEN TITLES IS NOT THE WORST NEWS FOR LANCE.

>> EXPERTS ESTIMATE LANCE ARMSTRONG MIGHT LOSE UP TO $200 MILLION NOW THAT HIS BIG SPONSORS HAVE DROPPED OUT-- NIKE

RADIO SHACK, TREK.

>> Stephen: THAT'S $199,999,997 FROM NIKE AND TREK AND A PAIR OF A.A.A. BATTERIES FROM RADIO SHACK.

(LAUGHTER) NOW FOLKS, THIS SCANDAL HAS ALSO AFFECTED LANCE'S CANCER CHARITY LIVESTRONG KNOWN FOR THEIR

YELLOW BRACELETS.

SO LANCE IS DOING THE RIGHT THING.

>> LANCE ARMSTRONG IS STEPPING DOWN AS CHAIRMAN OF HIS LIVESTRONG CANCER-FIGHTING CHARITY.

HE SAYS HE WANTS TO STEP DOWN AS A RESULT TO LIMIT THE DAMAGE FROM THE DOPING SCANDAL INVOLVING HIM.

>> HE HAD NO CHOICE.

EVERYTHING HE TOUCHES NOW IS TAINTED AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO SOIL THE GOOD NAME OF CANCER.

(LAUGHTER) SO HE'S DISTANCING HIMSELF -- (LAUGHTER) HE'S GOT TO DO IT.

SO HE'S DISTANCING HIMSELF FROM THE ORGANIZATION BY STEPPING DOWN AS CHAIRMAN AND MERELY REMAINING ON THE BOARD AS, YOU

KNOW, I WAS SO INSPIRED BY LANCE ARM STRONG'S LIVE STRONG THAT I STARTED MY OWN RUBBER BRACELET CHARITY WRISTRONG TO RAISE

AWARENESS OF WRIST--- WRIST-RELATED INJURIES.

ALL TOO COMMON.

IT'S GLORIFIED BY HOLLYWOOD.

GLORIFIED.

BY THE WAY -- RIGHT HERE, FOLKS.

BY THE WAY, YOU CAN STILL PURCHASE WRISTRONG BRONG BRACELETS AT colbertnation.com, ALL PROCEEDS GO TO THE YELLOW

RIBBON FUND THAT SUPPORTS THE FAMILIES OF WOUNDED TROOPS AT WALTER REED AND THE FORT BELVOIR COMMUNITY HOSPITAL.

AND, FOLKS -- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FOLKS, IT PAINS ME TO SAY THIS BUT, LIKE LANCE, THERE'S ALSO A SCANDAL SURROUNDING ME AND MY CHARITY.

IN THE SAME WAY THAT LANCE WON SEVEN CONSECUTIVE TOUR DE FRANCE I HAVE WON MY SHOW FOR SEVEN CONSECUTIVE YEARS.

(LAUGHTER) UNPRECEDENTED IN THE HISTORY OF "THE COLBERT REPORT." (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SADLY, SADLY THESE REPEATED

VICTORIES HAVE LED TO ACCUSATIONS THAT ANYBODY SHOWING THIS MUCH SACK FOR THAT LONG MUST BE BALL DOPING.

AND, FOLKS, FRANKLY, I'VE JUST GROWN WEARY OF THESE CHARGES.

ARE MY BALLS BIG?

YES.

WHEN I FLY DO I NEED TO BUY TWO EXTRA SEATS?

SURE.

BUT IT'S ALL NATURAL.

SO YOU MAY ASK STEVEN, WHY AREN'T YOU FIGHTING THESE CHARGES?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DRAG AMERICA THROUGH MY BALL SCANDAL!

(LAUGHTER) OR SCANDALIZE AMERICA BY DRAGGING MY BALLS THROUGH IT!

IT'S A REAL PROBLEM.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T WEAR WIDE-LEGGED PANTS.

OR RIDE ESCALATORS ANYMORE.

THAT IS ALSO WHY -- TRUE.

DANGEROUS.

THAT IS ALSO WHY EFFECTIVE TODAY I AM STEPPING DOWN AS CHAIRMAN OF THE WRISTRONG FOUNDATION.

(BOOS) I HAVE TO DO THIS.

I HAVE TO DO THIS.

WE HAVEN'T SPOKEN BUT I TRUST MY BALLS WILL ALSO BE STEPPING DOWN.

OR AT LEAST DESCENDING.

THERE IT IS.

AND THOUGH I WILL NO LONGER BE CHAIRMAN, I WILL BE STAYING ON THE BOARD WHICH HAS NO OTHER MEMBERS BUT ME.

SO I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT STARTING TODAY I WILL BE SERVING AS INTERIM CHAIRMAN OF THE WRISTRONG FOUNDATION.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOW, FOLKS -- NOW, FOLKS, -- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I'M SURE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT

THERE ARE SAYING WILL THIS SCANDAL FOLLOW ME?

YES, THE SAME WAY MY BALLS FOLLOW ME IN A MOTORIZED SIDE CAR I USE ON THE WEEKENDS.

I'M TIRED.

(LAUGHTER) AS IT IS ALL THE TITLES I HAVE LEARNED IN THE LAST SEVEN YEARS, THE REVEREND SIR DR. STEPHEN T.

MOS DEF HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD I WILL RETAIN BUT THEY WILL NOW HAVE TO ADD AN ASTERISK YOU KNOW WHAT, MAKE THAT TWO.

NO, JIMMY, MAKE THEM BIGGER.

THERE YOU GO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Loading...