Stephen's Science Project & Chemical Weapons in Syria

  • Aired:  09/03/13
  •  | Views: 63,959

Stephen researches the effects of black truffle fettuccine, and Bashar al-Assad kills more than 1,400 civilians with chemical weapons. (3:06)

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN"]

>> Stephen: HEY, THANK YOU.

YEAH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT,"

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

PLEASE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

FOLKS, THE FIRST THING I WANT TO

DO TONIGHT IS I WANT TO...

PLEASE.

FOLKS, I WANT TO TAKE A MOMENT

HERE TO WELCOME BACK MY GOOD

FRIEND JON STEWART OVER AT "THE

DAILY SHOW" TONIGHT, COMING BACK

TO THE SEAT AFTER 12 WEEKS NOW.

JOHN OLIVER DID A FINE JOB, BUT

AS THE PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM KNOW,

I FIND IT MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE

TO GET NEWS FROM SOMEONE WITH AN

ENGLISH ACCENT.

[LAUGHTER]

NO OFFENSE.

NO OFFENSE.

AND, FOLKS, IT'S GREAT TO BE

BACK AFTER MY TWO-WEEK BREAK,

WHICH, BY THE WAY, I DID NOT

SPEND LYING AROUND LIKE SOME

UNEMPLOYED GUY, ALTHOUGH I DID

COLLECT UNEMPLOYMENT.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, NO, NO.

I LIKE TO GIVE BACK ON MY

VACATION, THAT'S WHY I DONATED

MY BODY TO SCIENCE BY GOING TO

ITALY AND DOING GROUND-BREAKING

RESEARCH IN HOW MANY PLATES OF

BLACK TRUFFLE FETTUCINI THE

HUMAN BODY CAN WITHSTAND BEFORE

ORGANS BEGIN TO SHUT DOWN.

[LAUGHTER]

MY FINDINGS WILL BE PUBLISHED IN

THE "NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF ARE

YOU GOING TO FINISH THAT?."

NOW, FOLKS, I DO NOT SPRACKEN ZE

ITALIANO, SO WHILE I WAS

OVERSEAS, I COULDN'T REALLY GET

MUCH OUT OF THE NEWS, BUT FROM

WHAT I COULD MAKE OUT, PRESIDENT

OBAMA WANTED TO DROP MILEY CYRUS

ON DAMASCUS.

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH, CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG,

CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I BELIEVE THAT'S A WAR CRIME.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT, FOLKS, I HAVE SINCE LEARNED

THAT THE REAL STORY WAS ABOUT

CHEMICAL WEAPONS IN SYRIA.

>> THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT

NOW KNOWS THAT AT LEAST 1,429

SYRIANS WERE KILLED IN THIS

ATTACK, INCLUDING AT LEAST 4THE

4THE -- 426 CHILDREN.

THIS IS THE INDISCRIMINATE,

INCONCEIVABLE HORROR OF CHEMICAL

WEAPONS.

>>

>> Stephen: THE UNITED STATES

HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO ATTACK

SYRIA BECAUSE DICTATOR BASHAR

AL-ASSAD IS KILLING HIS OWN

PEOPLE WITH CHEMICAL WEAPONS.

BEFORE HE WAS JUST KILLING THEM

WITH BULLETS, BUT IF AMERICA

CARED ABOUT SHOOTING PEOPLE,

WE'D BE INVADING CHICAGO.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, FOLKS...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

THIS STORY... THIS STORY IS

SLOWLY DEVELOPING.

WE WILL HAVE MORE