Been There, Won That - Jim Webb

  • Aired:  09/09/10
  •  | Views: 35,731

Stephen thanks the veterans with a sexy hot dog man and tries to get them jobs, with Jim Webb's help. (7:16)

[LAUGHTER]

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT."

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US,

EVERYBODY.

IT IS NIGHT TWO OF MY SALUTE TO

THE VIKTORS OF THE IRAQ WAR.

AND WE ARE JOINED LIVE VIA

SATELLITE BY TROOPERS AT THE

FORWARD OPERATING BASE LAGMAN IN

AFGHANISTAN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

GUYS, YOU'RE IN AFGHANISTAN.

HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN BIN LADEN?

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, KEEP LOOKING.

AND WE'RE ALSO BROADCASTING LIVE

TO WOUNDED WARRIORS AT WALTER

REED HOSPITAL.

SAY HI, EVERYBODY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US,

TROOPERS.

NOW, IF EVERYONE AT WALTER REED

WILL PLEASE JUST DROP YOUR

PANTS, I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A

MOMENT.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, NOW, FOLKS, LAST NIGHT THE

AUDIENCE WAS ACTIVE DUTY

MILITARY.

TONIGHT IT'S ALL VETERANS.

GIVE IT UP, EVERYBODY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND I AM THANKING THEM FOR THEIR

SERVICE WITH THE HIGHEST HONOR

THIS NATION CAN BESTOW -- FREE

T-SHIRTS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEY ARE PRE-SHRUNK AND MADE THE

AMERICAN WAY -- IN HONDURAS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND JUST LIKE LAST NIGHT, I'M

GIVING THEM ALL HOT DOGS AND

FREE BEER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, LAST NIGHT I GOT SOME HEAT

FROM FEMALE SOLDIERS BECAUSE I

HAD ONLY SEXY BEER GIRLS, SO

TONIGHT I'VE GOT SOME BEEF CAKE

FOR YOU LADY VETERANS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S A SEXY GUY IN A HOT DOG

COSTUME.

SHAKE IT UP.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH!

WHOO!

NOW, NOW, EAT THE HOT DOG.

EAT THE HOT DOG.

EAT IT.

NO, OKAY, STOP, STOP, STOP,

STOP.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE EATING ONE

OF YOUR OWN CHILDREN.

YOU CAN GO.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ANYWAY, VETERANS, ON BEHALF OF A

GRATEFUL COLBERT NATION, I

SALUTE YOU.

AND THAT REALLY DOESN'T FEEL

LIKE ENOUGH.

LET ME TRY THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO YOU'RE ALL CIVILIANS NOW, AND

YOU NEED TO REASSIMILATE INTO

AMERICAN CULTURE.

NOW, A LOT HAS CHANGED IN THE

SEVEN YEARS SINCE THE WAR

STARTED.

HERE'S WHAT YOU MAY HAVE MISSED.

THIS IS A SNOOKI.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU ENCOUNTER A SNOOKI IN THE

WILD, DO NOT APPROACH HER.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU CAPTURE

FALLUJAH, YOU DO NOT WANT TO

TANGLE WITH THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

THE OTHER MAJOR DEVELOPMENT OF

THE LAST SEVEN YEARS IS THAT

PRINGLES NOW COMES IN EXTREME

SCREAMIN' PICKLE.

OKAY.

REMEMBER, THIS IS WHAT YOU WERE

FIGHTING FOR.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN YOU SHIPPED OUT, FOOD

SCIENTISTS HADN'T YET FIGURED

OUT HOW TO MAKE A PICKLE SCREAM.

BUT NOW THROUGH GENETIC

ENGINEERING, I ASSUME THEY'VE

GIVEN PICKLES TESTICLES.

[LAUGHTER]

AFTER THAT THE SCREAMING IS

PRETTY EASY.

SO THAT'S IT.

I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING ON MY HOW

TO HONOR VETERANS CHECKLIST.

I'VE THANKED YOU FOR YOUR

SERVICE RIGHT THERE.

I'VE BROUGHT YOU BEER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE HELPED YOU REASSIMILATE

AND I'VE GIVEN YOU A SEXY HOT

DOG.

ANYTHING ELSE?

OH, JOBS AND EDUCATION.

[LAUGHTER]

I CANNOT HELP YOU.

LUCKILY I KNOW A MAN WHO ALREADY

HAS.

PLEASE WELCOME THE ARCHITECT OF

THE NEW G.I. BILL, FRIEND OF THE

SHOW, FORMER SECRETARY OF THE

NAVY AND FORMER MARINE, SENATOR

JIM WEBB.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY.

THEY USUALLY DON'T CHEER FOR ME

THAT HARD.

NOW, YOU'RE A FORMER SOLDIER,

FORMER MARINE.

>> MARINE.

>> Stephen: YOU ARE NOW A

VIRGINIA SENATOR.

WOULD YOU RECOMMEND POLITICS TO

THESE TROOPS WHEN THEY LOOK FOR

A JOB OR DO YOU HOPE THEY DON'T

GET THAT DESPERATE?

[LAUGHTER]

>> I THINK THESE ARE THE KIND OF

PEOPLE THAT WE REALLY NEED

LEADING OUR COUNTRY, SO THOSE

WHO WANT TO MOVE FORWARD IN

POLITICS, WE WANT TO SEE THEM

DOING IT.

>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT

THE WAYS IN WHICH YOU'VE TRIED

TO HELP THE VETERANS ALREADY.

WHAT IS THE NEW G.I. BILL, AND

WHY DID WE NEED THAT?

WHY WASN'T THE OLD G.I. BILL

THAT CREATED THE GREATEST

GENERATION, WHY WASN'T THAT

ENOUGH?

>> WE NEED TO GIVE THESE PEOPLE,

THE NEXT GREATEST GENERATION,

THE SAME BENEFITS WORLD WAR II

PEOPLE HAD, PAY THEIR EDUCATION,

BUY THEIR BOOKS, GIVE THEM A

MONTHLY STIPEND.

THEY PULL THIS HARD LOAD.

THEY NEED THIS READJUSTMENT

BENEFIT TO GET THEIR HEADS

STRAIGHT AND MOVE INTO A NEW

FUTURE.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO GET THESE GUYS

A JOB BECAUSE THE ESTIMATES

RANGE FROM ANYWHERE BETWEEN 10%

AND 15% OF RETURNING VETERANS

ARE UNEMPLOYED.

THE COUNTRY IS HURTING ALSO, BUT

WE OWE A SPECIAL DEBT TO THESE

PEOPLE.

SAY I AM HIRING.

WHY SHOULD I HIRE A VET?

KEEP IN MIND I ONLY HAVE UNPAID

INTERNSHIP.

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE GOT AN EXAMPLE.

I THINK I KNOW HOW PEOPLE MIGHT

BE ABLE TO GET THEIR RESUME TO

THE TOP OF THE STACK.

OKAY.

IMPRESS PEOPLE WITH YOUR

PREVIOUS JOB SERVICE, MAYBE

SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

WHEN YOU FILL OUT YOUR RESUME,

SAY, BEFORE I FLEW HALFWAY

AROUND THE WORLD AND TAKE ENEMY

FIRE TO PROTECT YOU AND YOUR

FAMILY'S FREEDOM...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

...I WORKED AT MEINEKE.

THAT MIGHT GIVE A LITTLE OOMPH

TO THE APPLICATION.

>> AFTER YOU WORKED AT MEINEKE,

AND THERE'S NO SHAME IN WORKING

AT MEINEKE, YOU STEPPED FORWARD

TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY, IT IS A

GOOD DEAL FOR YOU AS AN

EMPLOYER.

YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN

THROUGH SOME ADVERSITY, WHO

KNOWS HOW THE SHOW UP ON TIME,

WHO KNOWS HOW TO WORK WITH OTHER

PEOPLE, AND WHO STEPPED FORWARD

AT A TIME IN THIS COUNTRY WHEN

OTHERS MAY NOT HAVE DONE THAT.

AND IT'S A GOOD DEAL FOR YOU TO

HIRE THEM.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, SIR,

FOR COMING.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: SENATOR JIM

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