Cheating Death - Tobacco Mints, Breast Milk & Hallucinogens

  • Aired:  04/28/10
  •  | Views: 59,148

Camel introduces tobacco mints, breast milk cures acne, and hallucinogens help the elderly with end-of-life anxiety. (6:20)

"LAISSEZ LE BON TON FLAMBE." NATION, SOME DOCTORS USE A TONGUE DEPRESSOR.

I PREFER TO BREAK DOWN A TONGUE'S CONFIDENCE.

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, TONGUE, BETTER LOSE SOME WEIGHT OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ALONE.

THIS IS CHEATING DEATH WITH DR. STEPHENT. COLBERT, DFA.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AS ALWAYS, CHEATING DEATH IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS.

THEY PUT THE "SUE" IN PHARMACEUTICAL.

[LAUGHTER]

FIRST UP, LUNG HEALTH.

FOLKS, I LOVE FINDING NEW WAYS TO ENJOY TOBACCO, LIKE CAMEL'S NEW ORBS MINTS, WHICH ARE

PELLETS MADE OF GROUND TOBACCO WITH MINT OR CINNAMON FLAVORING.

NOW YOU CAN KEEP YOUR MOUTH FROM SMELLING LIKE AN ASHTRAY WHILE SUCKING ON THE CONTENTS OF AN ASHTRAY.

BUT "PEDIATRICS" MEDICAL JOURNAL IS DENOUNCING ORBS, SAYING THE

CANDY-LIKE APPEARANCE WILL APPEAL TO CHILDREN.

JUST BECAUSE THEIR SHAPE, SIZE AND FLAVOR ARE EXACTLY LIKE TIC TACS.

COME ON!

THE TEARDROP LOGOS ARE CLEARLY POINTING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT SPOKESMAN FOR R.J. REYNOLDS POINTS OUT THAT VIRTUALLY EVERY HOUSEHOLD HAS PRODUCTS THAT

COULD BE HAZARDOUS TO CHILDREN,

LIKE CLEANING SUPPLIES.

YES, THAT'S WHY IN MY HOUSE WE REMOVE THE CRAZY STRAW FROM EVERY BOTTLE OF HANNAH MONTANA

RAZZLEBERRY BLEACH.

[APPLAUSE]

SO JUST FOLLOWING IN CAMEL'S HOOFPRINTS, PRESCOTT IS PROUD TO INTRODUCE ITS NEW LINE OF

TOBACCO LOZENGES FOR ADULT SMOKERS, FLINTSTONE'S CHEWABLE VITA-MENS, NOT TO BE CONFUSED

WITH FLINTSTONE'S CHEWABLE VITAMINS, WHICH ARE GOOD FOR KIDS AND THEIR COMPANY HAS LAWYERS.

[LAUGHTER]

SIDE EFFECTS OF VITA-MENS MAY INCLUDE PUBIC THATCHING,

BRONCHIAL CARTWHEELS AND INSOMNIA WITH DAVE ATELL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NEXT UP... NEXT UP, SKIN HEALTH.

[LAUGHTER]

ACNE HAS BEEN A PROBLEM SINCE THE DAWN OF TEENAGERS.

BUT IT TURNS OUT THE WHOLE TIME THE CURE WAS RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES.

JIM.

>> THE KEY TO FIGHTING ACNE COULD BE IN HUMAN BREAST MILK.

>> RESEARCHERS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA SAY A FACE CREAM

CONTAINING LURIC ACID COULD HELP PEOPLE WITH ACNE.

MANY CURRENT ACNE TREATMENTS HAVE HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS SUCH AS REDNESS AND BURNING.

IT'S THOUGHT BECAUSE BREAST MILK IS NATURAL THIS TREATMENT WOULD NOT CAUSE THOSE ISSUES.

>> Stephen: YES, SPREADING BREAST MILK ON THOSE FACE WON'T CAUSE ISSUES.

WELL, NOT THOSE ISSUES.

[LAUGHTER]

GIVEN THE NEW FINDINGS, MOMS SHOULD STOP BREAST-FEEDING THEIR KIDS AT TWO.

THEN START UP AT 13.

THEN STOP AGAIN WHEN THEY ARE ARRESTED FOR BREAST FEEDING A 13-YEAR-OLD.

AS USUAL, PRESCOTT HAS A NEW PRODUCT THAT HARNESSES THE SKIN-CLEARING POWER OF BREAST MILK.

INTRODUCING VAXA-LACT, A POWERFUL BLEND OF ESTROGEN AND MORE ESTROGEN THAT FIGHTS ACNE

BY HELPING YOU GROW BREASTS.

OFTEN ON YOUR CHEST.

SOON THE ONLY BULBOUS RED... MY TONGUE IS DEPRESSED.

SOON THE ONLY BULBOUS RED-TIPPED MOUNDS ON YOUR FOREHEAD WILL BE NIPPLES.

AND LADIES, DON'T WORRY IF YOU GET THEM BEFORE A BIG DATE.

THE FELLAS WILL ENJOY THE CHALLENGE OF TRYING TO REACH THE ELUSIVE FIFTH BASE.

SIDE EFFECTS OF VAXA-LACT MAY INCLUDE SHINGLE-BERRIES AND VAGINA MONOLOGUES.

[APPLAUSE]

FINALLY, EXPERIMENTAL DRUGS.

RESEARCHERS AT JOHNS HOPKINS UNIVERSITY HAVE BEEN STUDYING HOW HALLUCINOGENS IN CERTAIN

MUSHROOMS COULD TREAT THE ELDERLY FOR END-OF-LIFE ANXIETY.

THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR THOSE FEELING GUILTY ABOUT SHOVING THEIR GRANDPARENTS IN AN OLD FOLKS HOME.

NOW WE CAN REST EASY KNOWING THAT PEE-POP IS TRIPPING HIS BALLS OFF.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IF YOU WANT PSYCHEDELICS TO EASE THE FEAR OF DEATH, I WOULD PRESCRIBE VAXA-TABS, MADE FROM A

POE TENT COMBINATION OF OTHER PRESCOTT DRUGS REJECTED BY THE F.D.A.

LET'S TAKE A MAGIC CARPET RIDE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WOW.

SUDDENLY FIGHTING THAT MINOTAUR LAST NIGHT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

OH, LOOK, IT'S MY NATIVE AMERICAN SPIRIT GUIDE, CHIEF WANDERING MEADOW.

CHIEF...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CHIEF, ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE ME TO THE FURTHER ETREST REACHES OF MY IMAGINATION?

>> YES, I AM.

>> Stephen: WHERE ARE WE GOING?

>> RIGHT HERE.

>> Stephen: WOW.

EVERYTHING SEEMS SO REAL.

>> IT IS REAL.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

>> YOU HAVE A VERY LIMITED IMAGINATION.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: CHIEF WANDERING MEADOW, EVERYBODY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SIDE EFFECTS OF VAXA-TABS MAY INCLUDE ERASER HEADS, BONELESS LEG SYNDROME AND TAINT MISBEHAVIN'.

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR CHEATING DEATH BROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS.

REMEMBER THEIR MOTTO: IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK AND TALKS LIKE A DUCK, THEY MAY JUST BE A SIDE

EFFECT OF VAXA-QUACK.

UNTIL NEXT||||||

Loading...