Yelp Prison Reviews

  • Aired:  04/29/13
  •  | Views: 26,974

One inmate praises the Arlington County Detention Facility while another gives a scathing review of the Queens Central Booking Unit. (3:59)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH, FOLKS.

NATION, I'M A HUGE FAN OF WE

WILL P.

THE ON-LINE SOCIAL MEDIA REVIEW

SITE FOR LOCAL BUSINESSES.

IT COMBINES THE CRITICAL PALETTE

OF ZAG AFTER ATS WITH NOT HAVING

ANYTHING BETTER TO DO.

BUT YELP ISN'T JUST FOR FINDING

REVIEWS OF RESTAURANTS ANYMORE.

>> IT'S THE WEBSITE TO GO TO

WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A

FIVE-STAR RESTAURANT.

YOU CAN NOW CHECK OUT YELP IF

YOU PLAN ON GOING TO JAIL.

LAWYERS, PRISON INMATES AND

THEIR FAMILIES HAVE STARTED

POSTING REVIEWS OF THE NATION'S

CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES ON YELP.

THEY RATE EVERYTHING FROM PRISON

FOOD TO ALLEGATIONS OF ABUSE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY ARE NOW REVIEWING PRISONS

ON YELP.

ALTHOUGH YOU DO GET YOUR

STANDARD RESTAURANT GRIPES LIKE

SERVICE TOOK FOREVER, WAS THERE

FOR 25 YEARS.

CHECK OUT THIS ACTUAL FOUR-STAR

REVIEW OF THE ARLINGTON COUNTY

DETENTION FACILITY BY WINDI L.

QUOTE, AT NO TIME DID THE

OFFICER VIOLATE ANY OF MY

CONSTITUTIONAL PRIVILEGES AND

EVEN GAVE ME A JUICE BOX AFTER I

SAID I WAS THIRSTY.

YES, YOU HEARD RIGHT.

THEY HAVE JUICE BOXES.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

WELL, OF COURSE, THEY HAVE JUICE

BOXES.

YOU CAN'T RISK SOMEONE CALLING

FOR THE KOOL AID MAN.

>> OH, YEAH!

Stephen: I BELIEVE THAT IS

THE ORIGINAL ENDING OF THE

SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION.

BUT, FOLKS, MOSTLY, I'M LOVING

THIS BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS LOOKING

OUT FOR MY VIEWERS.

AND I KNOW THAT A LARGE SEGMENT

OF MY AUDIENCE IS VIOLENT

CRIMINALS.

AND WITH THE NEW COLBERT I-PHONE

APP, I'M SURE MANY OF YOU ARE

WATCHING THIS WHILE LEADING

POLICE ON A HIGH-SPEED CHASE.

FIRST OFF, BE SAFE.

PUT DOWN THE PHONE.

PUT YOUR HANDS AT 10 AND 2 WHILE

YOU CAREEN THROUGH TRAFFIC AT

130 MILES AN HOUR.

AND IF YOU'RE STILL LISTENING,

OKAY, A LITTLE RESEARCH ON YELP,

OKAY.

I'VE DONE SOME.

YOU'LL WANT TO STAY AWAY FROM

GETTING ARRESTED IN QUEENS

BECAUSE A USER NAMED DAVE C HAD

A SCATHING REVIEW OF THE QUEENS

CENTRAL BOOKING UNIT WRITING

NONWORKING TOILETS, OVERCROWDED

ROOMS AND A GENERAL AURA OF

FAILURE, THIS PLACE SUCKS DONKEY

BALLS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

AND IF YOU THINK THAT'S BAD,

WAIT UNTIL YOU MEET DONKEY.

SO, CRIMINALS ON THE RUN, YOUR

BEST BET IS TO DRIVE SOUTH TO

JUICE BOX COUNTRY WHERE ONCE

AGAIN WINDI L WRITES, QUOTE, IF

YOU'RE GOING TO GET ARRESTED, DO

IT IN ARLINGTON COUNTY.

I THINK ARLINGTON TOURISM JUST

FOUND ITS NEW SLOGAN.

BUT INCARCERATION, NATION,

ACCORDING TO YELP, THERE'S ONE

PRISON YOU SHOULD SURELY AVOID.

LISTEN TO THIS AWFUL FEEDBACK.

A DANGEROUS, CROWDED, CRAMPED

SITUATION.

I ALMOST PASSED OUT FROM THE

HEAT.

DON'T BRING GUNS.

THERE'S A SENSITIVE METAL

DETECTOR.

AND YOU WILL SIT OUTSIDE IN A

DARK HOLDING PEN THAT FEELS LIKE

A DUNGEON.

UGH!

THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.

WHAT IS IT?

THE COLBERT REPORT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

WELL, THAT IS HARDLY FAIR.

MY SHOW IS NOTHING LIKE PRISON.

I MEAN 80% OF THESE PEOPLE HAVE

NOT BEEN SHIVED.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE