The Word - I Think, Therefore I Brand

  • Aired:  09/26/11
  •  | Views: 23,900

Web searches are enshrined in America's founding documents, and cigarettes have a First Amendment right to be alive with pleasure. (4:54)

>> Stephen: SO CLEARLY,

CLEARLY RADIOHEAD WANTS NOTHING

TO DO WITH CORPORATIONS.

I JUST WISH THE U.S. GOVERNMENT

REGULATORS FELT THE SAME WAY.

JIM?

>> THE FIRST THING I'M GOING TO

DO ON DAY ONE IS ISSUE AN

EXECUTIVE ORDER SAYING ALL THE

REGULATIONS PUT IN PLACE BY

BARACK OBAMA'S ADMINISTRATION

ARE PUT ON HOLD AN WE'RE GETTING

RID OF THE ONES THAT KILL JOBS.

>> WE'RE GOING TO STOP THE

E.P.A. FROM GOING FORWARD WITH

ANY OF THESE REGULATIONS THEY'VE

GOT.

>> STOP DAMAGING THE ECONOMY

WITH JOB-KILLING REGULATIONS.

>> THERE IS NO OTHER AGENCY LIKE

THE E.P.A.

IT SHOULD REALLY BE RENAMED THE

JOB KILLING ORGANIZATION OF

AMERICA.

>> Stephen: YES, GOVERNMENT

REGULATORS LIKE THE E.P.A. ARE

KILLING GOOD JOBS, LIKE PELICAN

SCRUBBER OR NEXT-OF-KIN CALLER.

FORTUNATELY SOME BRAVE

CORPORATIONS HAVE FOUND A WAY TO

PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM BIG

GOVERNMENT TELLING THEM WHAT TO

DO, AND IT'S THE SUBJECT OF

TONIGHT'S "WORD."

I THINK, THEREFORE I BRAND.

NATION, THESE DAYS NO COMPANY IS

TAKING MORE FLACK THAN GOOGLE.

LAST WEEK GOOGLE WAS PUBLICLY

ACCUSED BY PRESIDENTIAL

CANDIDATE AND CURSED DOLL COME

TO LIFE RICK SANTORUM OF BIAS IN

THEIR SEARCH RESULTS.

EIGHT YEARS AGO SANTORUM

REASONABLY COMPARED GAY SEX TO

"MAN-ON-DOG."

SO GAY ADVICE COLUMNIST DAN

SAVIDGE SUCCESSFULLY LED A

CAMPAIGN TO MAKE THE TOP GOOGLE

SEARCH FOR SANTORUM A FILTHY,

JUVENILE PHRASE I'M NOT GOING TO

SAY BECAUSE THIS IS FAMILY SHOW.

LET'S JUST SAY IT RHYMES WITH

FROTHY MIX OF LUBE AND FAECAL

MATTER THAT IS SOMETIMES THE

BY-PRODUCT OF ANAL SEX.

NOW, PERSONALLY, FOLKS, I FEEL

TERRIBLE FOR RICK.

HIS NAME HAS BEEN DRAGGED

THROUGH THE MUD.

GOD, I HOPE THAT'S MUD.

[LAUGHTER]

AND RICK CLAIMS THAT IF

SOMETHING WAS UP THERE LIKE THAT

ABOUT JOE BIDEN, GOOGLE WOULD

GET RID OF IT.

THAT IS TRUE.

BECAUSE IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND

ANYTHING EMBARRASSING ABOUT JOE

BIDEN ON THE INTERNET.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, SANTORUM ISN'T THE ONLY ONE

ACCUSING GOOGLE OF BIAS IN HOW

SEARCH RESULTS ARE DISPLAYED.

LAST WEEK GOOGLE C.E.O. ERIC

SCHMID WAS DRAGGED BEFORE AN

ANTITRUST REGULATORY PANEL TO

RESPOND TO ALLEGATIONS THAT

GOOGLE UNFAIRLY PUT THEIR OWN

SERVICES LIKE GOOGLE FLIGHT AND

GOOGLE PLACES AT THE TOP OF

THEIR SEARCH RESULTS AHEAD OF

COMPETITORS LIKE EXPEDIA.

BUT FOLKS, GOOGLE HAS THE

PERFECT ANSWER TO REGULAR --

REGULATORS.

A LEADING SEARCH ENGINEER

POINTED OUT, "OUR WEB SEARCH

RESULTS ARE PROTECTED SPEECH IF

THE FIRST AMENDMENT SENSE."

YES, WEB SEARCHES ARE ENSHRINED

IN OUR FOUNDING DOCUMENTS.

WE HAVE THE RIGHT THE LIFE,

LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF

HACKED SCARLETT JOHANSSON NEWS

PICS, AND GOOGLE IS NOT THE ONLY

COMPANY DEMANDING THEIR FIRM

RIGHTS.

>> TOBACCO COMPANIES ARE SUING

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OVER A

PLAN TO PUT GRAPHIC PHOTOS ON

CIGARETTE PACKS, CLAIMING THE

MANDATORY LABELS VIOLATE THEIR

FREE SPEECH RIGHTS.

>> THEY SAY THE REQUIREMENT IS A

VIOLATION OF THE FIRST

AMENDMENT.

>> Stephen: YES, CIGARETTES

HAVE A FIRM RIGHT TO BE ALIVE

WITH PLEASURE AS WRITTEN IN THE

CONSTITUTION BY THE FATHERS,

JAMES MADISON, THOMAS JEFFERSON

AND JOSEPH CAMEL.

[LAUGHTER]

REGULATING A CIGARETTE TAX'S

ABILITY TO ENTICE ME TO BUY IT

IS A VIOLATION OF ITS FREE

SPEECH.

I MAY NOT AGREE WITH WHAT A

CARTON OF SMOKES SAYS, BUT I

WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR ITS

RIGHT TO SAY IT.

AND WE ALL KNOW... WE ALL KNOW

CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE,

PROTECTED BY THE FIRST

AMENDMENT.

FINALLY THEIR PRODUCTS ARE

PROTECTED, TOO.

IT IS A MAJOR MILESTONE IN

CORPORATE CIVIL RIGHTS.

AND REMEMBER, THE FIRST

AMENDMENT PROTECTS NOT ONLY

SPEECH YOU LIKE BUT SPEECH YOU

DON'T LIKE.

THEREFORE GOVERNMENT REGULATORS

MUST NOT PERSECUTE PRODUCTS JUST

BECAUSE THEY DON'T FIT SOME

BUREAUCRATS' NARROW DEFINITION

OF FIREPROOF OR POTABLE.

I SAY...

[LAUGHTER]

I SAY THAT SPEECH IS ALWAYS

SPEECH, AND IT IS TIME WE

FINALLY LET THESE PRODUCT

AMERICANS BE HEARD, STARTING

WITH MY PERSONAL PHYSICIAN

DR. MARVIN PEPPER.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME,

DOCTOR.

AS ALWAYS, I'LL GIVE YOU THE

LAST WORD.

OH, WHAT A REFRESHING POINT OF

VIEW.

AND THAT'S "THE WORD."