Roadside Sofa Boning

  • Aired:  01/10/13
  •  | Views: 7,060

A 46-year-old man is arrested for having sex with a couch, so public schools start teaching safe sex with plastic slipcovers. (3:00)

[EAGLE CAW]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANGT STEPHEN] [CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN B.C.]

>> Stephen: THANK YOU SOX PLEASE, SIT DOWN, EVERYBODY.

FOLKS, WELCOME TO CHIT CHAT, WHERE WE GIRLS --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE GIRLS JUST SIT AROUND AND TALK TO EACH OTHER.

NATION, YOU KNOW IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, ONE OF HARDEST THING ABOUT BE ME IS ALWAYS BEING RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO ONE WILL WATCH BASEBALL WITH ME ANYMORE, BECAUSE I CORRECTLY PREDICT EVERY PITCH

WILL BE BORING.

I'M LIKE CASSANDRA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, LO, IT HATH COME ONCE MORE TO PASS JUST AS I SPAKETH IT LAST FALL, WHEN I BROUGHT YOU

NEWS OF A STUDY THAT FOUND MEN ARE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO THEIR FEMALE PLATONIC FRIENDS.

MEN WERE ALSO MORE ATTRACTED TO FEMALE ACQUAINTANCES, FEMALE STRANGERS THEY SAW ON THE

STREET, PICTURES OF WOMEN ON BILLBOARDS, SEARS CATALOGS, AND PARTICULARLY PLUMP COUCH CUSHIONS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH, SURE.

EVERYBODY LAUGHED.

WELL, LET'S SEE THEM LAUGH AT THIS!

"MAN HAS SEX WITH A SOFA IN THE STREET."

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVIDENTLY, A 46-YEAR-OLD MAN IN WAUKESHA, WISCONSIN, SEEN HERE IN HIS eHARMONY PROFILE, WAS

ARRESTED FOR GETTING ALL SEXUAL WITH A SECTIONAL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW I KNOW THERE'S NOT MUCH TO DO IN WISCONSIN, BUT COME ON, BUDDY-- HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD

OF METH?

YOU SEEM LIKE A NATURAL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND LOOK, FOLKS, I GET NO SATISFACTION FROM THE FACT THAT I CALLED THIS.

AND UNLIKE THE LET-IT-ALL-HANG-OUT LIBERALS OUT THERE, I AM WILLING TO COME OUT

AND SAY THAT ROADSIDE SOFA-BONING IS WRONG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT'S NEXT: PUBLIC SCHOOLS TEACHING OUR CHILDREN ABOUT SAFE SEX-- AND

HANDING OUT PLASTIC SLIPCOVERS TO PUT IN THEIR WALLETS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW IT'S EASY TO BLAME THIS 46-YEAR-OLD MAN FOR JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT FRANKLY A LOT OF THESE COUCHES ARE ASKING YOU TO SLEEP WITH THEM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU SLUT!

[ LAUGHTER ]

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