Bears & Balls - Celebrity Relics & Gooooooold!

  • Aired:  11/15/11
  •  | Views: 19,825

There's never been a better time to invest in things that fall off celebrities, and Goldline International executives face fraud and theft charges. (5:09)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NATION, IF YOU'RE POOR, DON'T

BLAME WALL STREET.

THERE'S ENOUGH OPPORTUNITY OUT

THERE FOR HALF THE COUNTRY TO BE

IN THE TOP 1%.

(LAUGHTER)

WITH MY HELP AND THE HELP OF THE

BIG RED BUTTON.

(LAUGHTER)

>> SELL YOUR CHILDREN FOR CAB

FARE!

>> Stephen: THIS IS STEPHEN

COLBERT'S "BEARS AND BALLS."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FIRST UP ON "BEARS AND BALLS," A

LOT OF INVESTORS ARE RUNNING

SCARED BUT THERE'S ONE

INVESTMENT GUARANTEED TO RETAIN

ITS VALUE,, BOW LA MONKEYS.

NO?

MAGIC BEANS.

NO?

CELEBRITY RELICS.

YES.

CELEBRITY RELICS.

EVERYBODY WANTS DOROTHY'S RUBY

SLIPPERS, MADONNA'S CONE BRA, OR

J. EDGAR HOOVERS RUBY SLIPPERS

AND CONE BRA.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO MAKE A

CHUNK OF CHANGE ON CELEBRITIES,

YOU NEED A CHUNK OF CELEBRITY.

CASE IN POINT: JOHN LENNON'S

ABSCESSED TOOTH RECENTLY FETCHED

MORE THAN

$31,000 AT AUCTION.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

AND I'M SURE JOHN LENNON WOULD

APPROVE OF THE BUYING AND

SELLING OF BODY PARTS.

WHEN HE SANG "I WANT TO HOLD

YOUR HAND" HE NEVER SAID IT HAD

TO BE ATTACHED TO HIS BODY.

AND, FOLKS, THERE'S NEVER BEEN A

BETTER TIME INVEST IN THINGS

THAT FALL OFF CELEBRITIES.

FOR INSTANCE, I AM PROUD TO

OFFER THIS BABY FOOD JAR FULL OF

DANNY DEVITO'S DOE NAIL

CLIPPINGS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

I GOT THEM WITH NOTHING MORE

THAN A PAIN OF CLIPPERS, A RAG,

AND A JAR OF CHLOROFORM.

BY THE WAY, DANNY, YOU SNORE.

OF COURSE, ANY CELEBRITY BODY

APARTMENT INVESTMENTS THERE ARE

RISKS.

I LOST MILLIONS WHEN THE ERIC

ROBERTS BUBBLE BURST.

AND IT WASN'T EASY GETTING A

PIECE OF HIM.

>> THEY TOOK MY THUMB!

>> Stephen: HEY, I'M THE ONE WHO

SHOULD BE CRYING.

I CAN'T UNLOAD THIS THING NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S A SAD STORY.

THE SAFEST INVESTMENT OF ALL...

>> CRYSTAL METH!

>> Stephen: NO.

>> SHAVED DWARF PORNOGRAPHY.

>> Stephen: NOT IN THE LOWER 48.

>> GOLD!

>> Stephen: YES!

GOLD!

I LOVE EVERYTHING GOLD RELATED.

GOLD BOUILLON, GOLD COINS, GOLD

BOND.

BECAUSE A FRESHLY POWDERED NUT

SACK NEVER GOES DOWN IN VALUE.

AND OF COURSE THE INVESTMENT

COMPANY GOLDLINE INTERVAGSNAL.

GOLDLINE HAS BEEN ENDORSED BY

EXPERTS FROM ACROSS THE FOX NEWS

LIKE MONICA CROWLEY, LAURA

INGRAM, SEAN HANNITY, AND

COMMODITIES ANALYST FOR FOX

BUSINESS, KLONDIKE ZEKE.

>> GOLD!

GOLD!

GOLD!

(LAUGHTER)

AND LIKE EVERY OTHER AD ON T.V.

TELLING ME HOW TO GET RICH QUICK

I TRUST GOLD MINES.

WHICH IS WHY I WAS SO SHOCKED TO

HEAR THIS.

>> LOCAL OFFICIALS?

N LOS ANGELES HAVE FILED A

19-COUNT CRIMINAL COMPLAINT

ALLEGING MISDEMEANOR FRAUD AND

THEFT BY THE COMPANY.

>> THE COMPANY TOUTED GOLD

BOUILLON, KEY EXECUTIVES

CONSPIRE TOGETHER TO CHEAT AND

DEFRAUD CONSUMERS BY STEERING

THEM TO HUGELY OVERPRICED

SO-CALLED COLLECTIBLE COINS-- A

BAIT-AND-SWITCH.

>> Stephen: OH, REALLY?

I INVESTED WITH GOLDLINE AND THE

COINS THEY SENT ME ARE BOTH

SHINY GOLD AND FILLED WITH

DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IS GOING TO GROW MY BOTTOM

LINE.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS, IF THE GOLDLINE

EXECUTIVES ARE CONVICTED, THEY

COULD FACE A YEAR IN PRISON FOR

EACH OF THE 19 CHARGES AGAINST

THEM.

WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT I'M

OFFERING THEM A UNIQUE

INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY.

HI, I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.

ARE YOU A FORMER GOLDLINE

EXECUTIVE FACING JAIL?

THESE ARE SUCH UNCERTAIN TIMES

IN THE PRISON ECONOMY, IF YOU

DON'T WANT TO GET SHANKED IN THE

MESS LINE, YOU'LL NEED A

RELIABLE INVESTMENT.

SAFE, SECURE CIGARETTES FROM

SMOKELINE.

(LAUGHTER)

CIGARETTES ARE VALUED BY

EVERYONE FROM THE ARYAN

BROTHERHOOD TO THE LATIN KINGS.

AND CIGARETTES ARE A FUNGABLE

COMMODITY, THEY CAN BE USED TO

BUY EVERYTHING FROM TOILET HOOCH

TO INSURANCE AGAINST BEING BEAT

WITHIN A PILLOW CASE FULL OF

SOAP.

BEST OF ALL, YOU GOLD LINE EXECS

WILL APPRECIATE THAT THEY'RE NOT

REALLY CIGARETTES AT ALL, JUST

CUTUP DRINKING STRAWS STUFFED

WITH SAW DUST.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SMOKELINE, BECAUSE

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