Colbert Super PAC - GOP Attack Ads & Herman Cain Ad

  • Aired:  01/17/12
  •  | Views: 62,939

While GOP candidates debate their powerlessness to stop negative super PAC ads, the Definitely Not Coordinating with Stephen Colbert Super PAC releases a Herman Cain ad. (8:17)

>> Stephen: ARE WE STARTING THE

SHOW RIGHT NOW?

WELCOME TO THE "REPORT,"

EVERYBODY.

(CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN")

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YES, YES.

VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.

VERY GOOD.

BUT DO YOU KNOW MY MIDDLE NAME?

(LAUGHTER)

THANKS FOR JOINING US,

EVERYBODY.

FOLKS, THE SOUTH CAROLINA G.O.P.

PRIMARY CAMPAIGN IS IN FULL

SWING.

CANDIDATES ARE SHAKING HANDS,

KISSING BABIES, AND

STRATEGICALLY IGNORING

CONFEDERATE FLAGS.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THE ONE ISSUE DOMINATING THE

COVERAGE IS ALL THE MONEY IN

POLITICS.

NOW, YOU KNOW HOW I STAND ON

THIS ISSUE.

I STAND ON A PILE OF MONEY.

(LAUGHTER)

I HAVE ALWAYS AGREED WITH

POLITICAL PUNDITS AND BOY PUPPET

COME TO LIFE GEORGE WILL.

JIM?

>> DO WE HAVE TOO MUCH MONEY IN

POLITICS?

>> I'M ASTONISHED AT HOW LITTLE

MONEY THERE IS IN POLITICS

CONSIDERING THE STAKES OF OUR

POLITICS AND ALLOCATING WEALTH

AND OPPORTUNITY.

IN ABOUT FOUR WEEKS, GEORGE,

PEOPLE WILL BEGIN DOING IN

AMERICA WHAT THEY DO EVERY

YEAR-- SPENDING ABOUT $2 BILLION

ON EASTER CANDY.

>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,

SIR.

POLITICS SHOULD BE LIKE EASTER

CANDY.

FOR SALE EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK

SURROUNDED BY FAKE GRASS-ROOTS

AND HIDDEN FROM THE LITTLE

PEOPLE UNTIL THAT SPECIAL DAY.

(LAUGHTER)

ALSO, REALLY ONLY FOR

CHRISTIANS.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT EVER SINCE... EVER SINCE I

GAVE UP MY SUPERPAC I HAVE BEGUN

TO QUESTION THE INFLUENCE OF

SUPERPACS.

AND, FOLKS, I'M NOT ALONE.

LAST NIGHT THE CANDIDATES

SQUARED OFF IN MYRTLE BEACH,

SOUTH CAROLINA, WHICH MEANS THE

2012 REPUBLICAN DEBATES HAVE NOW

OFFICIALLY PASSED THE SIMPSONS

FOR THE MOST EPISODES IN T.V.

HISTORY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND, FOLKS, THESE SUPERPACS ARE

TEARING THE G.O.P. APART.

>> GOVERNOR ROMNEY'S SUPERPAC

HAS PUT AN AD OUT THERE

SUGGESTING THAT I VOTED TO ALLOW

FELONS TO BE ABLE TO VOTE FOR

PRISON.

>> I HAVEN'T SPOKEN WITH ANY OF

THE PEOPLE INVOLVE WITH MY

SUPERPAC IN MONTHS.

>> BOTH SENATOR SANTORUM AND I

HAVE COMPLAINED ABOUT GOVERNOR

ROMNEY'S SUPERPAC OVER WHICH HE

APPARENTLY HAS NO INFLUENCE

WHICH MAKES YOU WONDER HOW MUCH

INFLUENCE HE'D HAVE IF HE WERE

PRESIDENT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> IF WE'RE TALKING ABOUT

SUPERPAC ADS THAT ARE INACCURATE

YOU HAVE A SUPERPAC ADD THAT

ATTACKS ME.

JUST HOLD ON.

THAT ATTACKS ME.

IT'S PROBABLY THE BIGGEST HOAX

SINCE BIG FOOT.

>> I SAID PUBLICLY IT OUGHT TO

BE ED TED AND PUT ONLY THE

CORRECT FACTS IN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: THESE GUYS ARE

VICTIMS GETTING BLAMED FOR

NEGATIVE SUPERPAC ADS THEY ARE

POWERLESS TO STOP.

MEANWHILE, WHY ARE THEIR

OPPONENTS PRETENDING TO BE

POWERLESS TO STOP ALL THESE

NEGATIVE SUPERPAC ADS?

I KNOW HOW THESE GUYS FEEL

BECAUSE LAST NIGHT YET ANOTHER

SUPERPAC AD MYSTERIOUSLY

SURFACED IN THE SUPPORT OF MY

EXPLORATORY BID FOR PRESIDENT OF

THE UNITED STATES OF SOUTH

CAROLINA.

NOW, I HAVE RECENTLY LEARNED...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

FOLKS I HAVE RECENTLY LEARNED

THAT I CAN'T GET ON THE PRIMARY

BALLOT AND BEING ON THE

BALLOT...

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

I KNOW, I KNOW, FOLKS.

BEING ON THE BALLOT IS ONE OF

THE LEADING WAYS TO GAUGE

WHETHER VOTERS WOULD VOTE FOR

YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT SOMEONE WHOSE VALUES I

DEEPLY SHARE IS ON THE BALLOT.

FORMER CANDIDATE AND FUTURE

"CELEBRITY APPRENTICE"

CONTESTANT HERMAN CAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

SO LAST NIGHT I TOLD MY VIEWERS

THAT IF HERMAN CAIN WERE TO DO

WELL IN THIS SATURDAY'S PRIMARY

I WOULD INTERPRET THAT AS A CALL

FOR ME TO FORMALLY DECLARE THAT

I AM RUNNING.

AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE THE

DEFINITELY NOT COORDINATING WITH

STEPHEN COLBERT SUPERPAC RUN BY

MY SHADOWY FRIEND JON STEWART

RAN THIS AD IN SOUTH CAROLINA.

>> THE PEOPLE OF SOUTH CAROLINA

ARE FRUSTRATED.

IT'S LESS THAN A WEEK BEFORE THE

ELECTION AND THERE'S STILL NO

CANDIDATE FOR US.

PLUS, THE ECONOMY.

THANKFULLY, THERE IS ONE NAME ON

THE BALLOT THAT STANDS FOR TRUE

AMERICAN VALUES.

HERMAN CAIN.

AMERICANS FOR A BETTER TOMORROW

TOMORROW BELIEVE A VOTE FOR

HERMAN CAIN IS A VOTE FOR

AMERICA.

HE'S NOT A CAREER POLITICIAN,

HE'S SUCH A WASHINGTON OUTSIDER

HE'S NOT EVEN RUNNING FOR

PRESIDENT.

SEND THEM A MESSAGE.

ON JANUARY 21, VOTE HERMAN CAIN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AMERICANS FOR A BETTER TOMORROW

TOMORROW ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE

CONTENT OF THIS ADVERTISEMENT.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, I HAVE NO

IDEA HOW THEY GOT THAT FOOTAGE

OF ME INTERVIEWING POTENTIAL

RUNNING MATES.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT TO SOME IN THE MEDIA THIS

SMELLS FISHY.

LIKE FORMER POLITICO POLITICAL

COLUMNIST IN AND CURRENT BUZZ

FEED BUZZ KILL BEN SMITH WHO

ASKS "STEPHEN COLBERT BEGINS

TAPING AROUND 7:30 P.M. AND HE

DETAILS HIS VOTE CAIN STRATEGY

ON LAST NIGHT'S SHOW.

MEANWHILE THE COLBERT SUPERPAC

RELEASED A SLICK 60-SECOND VOTE

CAIN AD BEFORE THE "THE COLBERT

REPORT" EPISODE EVEN HIT THE

AIR.

HOW DID BOTH PRODUCTION

INTENSIVE VIDEO SEGMENTS GET

MADE WITHIN HOURS OF EACH OTHER

WITHOUT ILLEGAL COORDINATION?"

FIRST OF ALL, IT'S NOT THE

COLBERT SUPERPAC, IT'S THE

DEFINITELY NOT COORDINATING WITH

STEPHEN COLBERT SUPERPAC.

GET YOUR NAMES RIGHT, BILL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'VE CHECKED YOUR MATH AND THE

AD DID AIR BEFORE MY SHOW SO HOW

IS THAT POSSIBLE?

WELL, FOLKS, THERE ARE A CUP

COUPLE POSSIBILITIES.

IT COULD BE THAT AFTER SPENDING

SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER AT "THE

DAILY SHOW" JON AND I HAVE

DEVELOPED SOME KIND OF PSYCHIC

TWIN CONNECTION WHERE ONE FEELS

WHERE WHAT THE OTHER IS

EXPERIENCING.

LIKE LUKE SKYWALKER AND PRINCESS

LEIA.

I'M PRINCESS LEIA IN THIS

SCENARIO.

(LAUGHTER)

AND... (SCREAMING)

I'M FEELING SOMETHING FROM JON

RIGHT NOW.

NO, JON!

NO, DON'T PUT YOUR HAND ON THAT

HOT STOVE!

(SCREAMING)

(APPLAUSE)

I BET THAT WOULD TASTE GREAT

WITH SOME RANCH DRESSING.

ANYWAY, FOLKS, THERE IS ONE

OTHER POSSIBLE EXPLANATION FOR

THIS MYSTERY.

JON TOLD ME WHAT HE WAS GOING TO

DO.

YOU SEE, IT'S PERFECTLY LEGAL.

ACCORDING TO FORMER F.E.C.

CHAIRMAN AND MY AND JOHN'S

LAWYER TREVOR POTTER.

EVIDENTLY NON-COORDINATING JUST

MEANS I CAN'T HELP THEM OR

APPROVE WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

BUT I CAN KNOW IN ADVANCE WHAT

THEY'VE DONE.

THAT'S NOT COORDINATING, THAT'S

JUST ORDINATING.

(LAUGHTER)

INFORMATION CAN GO ONE WAY BUT

NOT THE OTHER.

IT'S A ONE-WAY MEMBRANE.

BASICALLY A MONEY PLACENTA.

I GIVE HIM NOTHING AND JOHN

NOURISHES ME IN A WARM AMNIOTIC

BATH OF STRATEGY AND CASH UNTIL

I SLIDE OUT ALL WET AND

ELECTABLE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ALL TRUE.

ALL TRUE.

WE CHECKED.

JOHN AND I DON'T EVEN NEED TO BE

PSYCHIC.

OH, GOD!

I'M GOTING ANOTHER ONE!

(SCREAMING)

SOMEONE'S TICKLING JON.

QUIT IT, JOHN OLIVER!

QUIT IT!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

STOP TICKLING HIM!

STOP IT!

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