Unscooped Dog Poop Crimes

  • Aired:  06/19/12
  •  | Views: 14,669

PooPrints uses forensic DNA testing to help communities take fecal matters into their own hands. (4:43)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS, AS A PROMINENT LIBERTARIAN, I'VE NEVER BEEN A FAN OF THE MISTAKEN IDEA THAT,

TO HAVE A FUNCTIONING SOCIETY,

WE MUST ALL MAKE INDIVIDUAL SACRIFICES FOR A COMMON GOOD--THE SO-CALLED SOCIAL CONTRACT.

SORRY, BUT I DON'T SIGN IN ANY CONTRACT THAT HASN'T BEEN NEGOTIATED BY MY AGENT

JAMES DIXON, JIMMY DIX, BABY DOLL.

I DEMAND THAT IN EXCHANGE FOR MY PARTICIPATION IN MANKIND, I RECEIVE 2.5 PERCENT,

NON-ADJUSTED GROSS BACK-END ON YOUR HUMANITY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M SORRY, THAT'S A DEAL BREAKER.

LUCKILY I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THAT WAY.

BECAUSE RATHER THAN RAISE TAXES,

LEGISLATURES ALL OVER THE UNITED STATES HAVE DRASTICALLY CUT FUNDING TO ALL SORTS OF

COMMUNITY SERVICES.

LIKE SCHOOLS, PARKS, AND POLICE DEPARTMENTS.

OH WITHOUT, SCHOOLS, PARKS, AND POLICE DEPARTMENTS, IT'S GONNA GET SCARY OUT THERE.

NOT FOR ME, 'CUZ I DON'T LIVE OUT THERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LIVE IN BEAUTIFUL LAKE ORCHARD SYCAMORE PINE OAK FIELD ESTATES.

IT'S A GATED COMMUNITY.

AND IF THE PERMIT CLEARS, A MOATED COMMUNITY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

A PLACE WHERE I AM FOREVER PROTECTED FROM VIOLENT CRIME, BY WHICH I MEAN LOUD MUSIC AFTER 9 PM.

OF COURSE, WE STILL HAVE SOME BAD SEEDS.

FOR INSTANCE, SOME COMMON STREET THUG KEEPS STEALING MY DECORATIVE HOUSE FLAGS.

JUST THIS YEAR THEY'VE MADE OFF WITH MY THANKSGIVING CORNUCOPIA,

MY CHRISTMAS "FROSTY HAVING A SNOWBALL FIGHT," MY MLK DAY "MARTIN ON THE

MOUNTAINTOP."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND MY FLAG DAY "FLAG WITH A PICTURE OF A FLAG ON IT,"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THERE'S ONE CRIME THAT ROCKS MY SUBURBAN COMMUNITY TO ITS

CORE. OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT UNSCOOPED DOG POOP ON MY LAWN.

I CALL IT PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER 2.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HAPPENS ALL TOO OFTEN AND THERE IS NO WAY TO KNOW WHO THE OFFENDER IS.

AND I NEED TO KNOW.

THIS IS MY LAWN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

THIS ISN'T SOME LOUSY PERENNIAL RYEGRASS OR ST. AUGUSTINE OR ZOYSIA OR SHADE-LOVING FESQUE.

FESCUE?

(bleep) YOU!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS KENTUCKY BENT-LEAF BLUE!

IT'S LIKE THE AUGUSTA NATIONAL GOLF COURSE OUT THERE.

I CUT IT LOW AND SMOOTH, IT'S LIKE PUTTING ON A BABY'S ASS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LUCKILY, A NEW CRIME-BUSTING SERVICE KNOWN AS "POOPRINTS" IS

USING FORENSIC DNA TESTING TO HELP COMMUNITIES TAKE FECAL MATTERS INTO THEIR OWN HANDS.

JIM?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> UNDER THE PROGRAM, EACH DOG WHO LIVES HERE MUST HAVE THEIR DNA REGISTERED.

WHEN DROPPINGS ARE FOUND HERE ON THE COMPLEX, IT'S SENT TO THE LAB TO BE TESTED, AND THE

MATCHING DOG'S OWNER GETS NOTIFIED.

IT'S A HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THE FIRST OFFENSE.

ANOTHER HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THE SECOND OFFENSE.

AND, NO MORE DOG.

>> Stephen: I'M SURE THEY DON'T PUT THE DOG DOWN.

THEY JUST SEND IT TO A MAXIMUM SECURITY FARM UPSTATE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND IT COMFORTS ME TO KNOW THAT I CAN NOW PROTECT MY PRECIOUS ACREAGE FROM THESE POOP-ATRATERS

[ LAUGHTER ]

BY USING THE SAME ADVANCED GENETIC FACILITIES THAT ARE ALL NORMALLY USED TO SOLVE MURDERS.

WE HAVE SOME DRAMATIC FOOTAGE OF THE POOPRINTS TECHNICIANS AT WORK.

>> SEE, ONCE IT DRIED, THE PATTERN REVEALED ITSELF.

YOU SEE THIS DISCOLORATION HERE.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE THE TREAD FROM A BOOT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR SOMEBODY-- TO DO THEIR DUTY.

♪ ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I JUST WISH ADVANCED TECHNIQUES LIKE POOPRINTS COULD BE USED TO STOP ALL THE CRIMINAL NUISANCES

PLAGUING LAKE ORCHARD SYCAMORE PINE OAK FIELD ESTATES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MEAN, WE'VE GOT THOUSANDS OF SATELLITES IN SPACE.

CAN'T JUST ONE OF THEM BE DEDICATED TO NAILING THE SOCIOPATH WHO KEEPS PUTTING

PLASTIC IN MY GLASS RECYCLING?

AND WHY IS THERE NO INFRARED HEAT-MAPPING TECHNOLOGY TO IDENTIFY THE PINT-SIZED PERPS

WHO KEEP PEEING IN THE CLUBHOUSE

[ LAUGHTER ]

POOL.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I NEED A PREDATOR DRONE TO TAKE OUT THE SQUIRRELS WHO KEEP CHEWING

THROUGH MY TRASH CAN LIDS.

I'M NOT RUNNING SOME KIND OF GODDAMN SQUIRREL MOTEL.

BECAUSE I BELIEVE NO EFFORT OR EXPENSE SHOULD BE SPARED WHEN IT COMES TO SOLVING THE MOST

IMPORTANT PROBLEMS ON EARTH: MINE.

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