Tip/Wag - Evangelical Scientists & Rick Santorum

  • Aired:  08/17/11
  •  | Views: 33,144

Evangelical scientists break up the Bible's most famous couple, and Rick Santorum puts the issue of gay marriage into terms everyday people can understand. (5:09)

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, A WISE MAN ONCE SAID,

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP. STEPHEN'S

TALKING."

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF

THE FINGER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, I LOVE THE STORY OF THE

GARDEN OF EDEN.

IT GIVES ME COMFORT TO KNOW THAT

EVERY TIME I SIN, IT'S REALLY

EVE'S FAULT.

[LAUGHTER]

BOY AM I GONNA BLAME SOME STUFF

ON YOU THIS WEEKEND!

[LAUGHTER]

-6-

THAT'S WHY I'M SO DISTURBED BY A

NEW MOVEMENT TO BREAK-UP THE

BIBLE'S MOST FAMOUS COUPLE.

NPR'S STEVE INSKEEP EXPLAINS.

>> FOR MANY EVANGELICALS, A

HISTORICAL ADAM AND EVE IS A

CRITICAL PART OF THEIR THEOLOGY,

BUT NOW SOME CONSERVATIVE

RELIGIOUS SCHOLARS ARE SAYING

PUBLICALLY THAT THEY CAN NO

LONGER BELIEVE IT.

>> Stephen: NO ADAM AND EVE?

NO APPLE?

NO TASTEFUL LEAF THONGS?

AND ALL BECAUSE THESE SO-CALLED

CONSERVATIVE SCIENTISTS SAY

"THERE IS NO WAY WE CAN BE

TRACED BACK TO A SINGLE

COUPLE...GIVEN THE GENETIC

VARIATION OF PEOPLE TODAY."

OH, THE GENETIC VARIATION NEEDS

MORE THAN TWO PEOPLE?

FINE, THEY HAD A FREAKY

THREE-WAY WITH THE SNAKE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE GENETIC

VARIATION OF JAMES CARVILLE.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO I'M ISSUING A WAG OF MY

FINGER AT EVANGELICAL

SCIENTISTS.

REAL CHRISTIANS LIKE PRESIDENT

OF SOUTHERN BAPTIST THEOLOGICAL

SEMINARY ALBERT MOHLER, KNOW

WHAT'S AT STAKE HERE.

>> WHEN ADAM SINNED, HE SINNED

FOR US AND IT'S THAT VERY

SINFULNESS THAT SETS UP OUR

UNDERSTANDING OF OUR NEED FOR A

SAVIOR.

WITHOUT ADAM, THE WORK OF CHRIST

MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY.

WITHOUT ONE, THE OTHER CAN'T

EXIST.

IT'S LIKE HOW WITHOUT "HAPPY

DAYS," "JOANIE LOVES CHACHI"

MAKES NO SENSE.

[LAUGHTER]

WHY WOULD ANY WOMAN LOVE A MAN

NAMED CHACHI?!

[LAUGHTER]

IF THERE'S NO GARDEN OF EDEN,

THAT MEANS JESUS' SACRIFICE

DOESN'T FIX ADAM'S ORIGINAL SIN,

AND ALL OF HIS TEACHINGS MAKE NO

SENSE WHATSOEVER.

THAT MEANS I'VE BEEN HELPING

PEOPLE AND FORGIVING THEM FOR

NOTHING!

[LAUGHTER]

THIS WHOLE TIME I COULD HAVE

BEEN BANGIN' MY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE

AND PUNCHING LEPERS.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT MEANS ALL THE RULES ARE

CANCELLED.

I COULD HAVE PUT OTHER GODS

BEFORE HIM.

YOU DON'T THINK I'VE WANTED TO

EXPERIMENT WITH THE SHINTO SUN

GODDESS AMATERASU, OR THE HINDU

GODDESS OF PROSPERITY LAKSHMI?

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY--ONCE YOU

GO LAKSHMI, YOU NEVER GO

BACK-SHMI!

[LAUGHTER]

NEXT, I'M BEGINNING TO THINK

THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY GOP

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES.

BUT I'D LIKE TO GIVE A TIP OF MY

HAT TO ONE CANDIDATE WHO STANDS

OUT BY TELLING IT LIKE IT IS:

RICK SANTORUM.

AT A RECENT CAMPAIGN STOP IN

IOWA FALLS, SANTORUM DELIVERED

THIS NUGGET OF WISDOM ON GAY

MARRIAGE.

MARRIAGE CAN BE BETWEEN ANY TWO

PEOPLE, ANY FOUR PEOPLE, ANY TEN

PEOPLE, ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP

AND WE CAN CALL IT MARRIAGE. BUT

THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT MARRIAGE.

>> I CAN CALL THIS NAPKIN A

PAPER TOWEL, BUT IT IS A NAPKIN.

WHY?

BECAUSE IT IS WHAT IT IS.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY!

NAPKINS AND PAPER TOWELS ARE

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS.

IT'S LIKE COMPARING APPLES TO

LARGER, MORE ABSORBENT APPLES.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RICK SANTORUM IS PUTTING THE

ISSUE OF GAY MARRIAGE IN TERMS

EVERYDAY PEOPLE CAN UNDERSTAND.

IF YOU GIVE NAPKINS AND PAPER

TOWELS EQUAL STATUS, YOU

UNDERMINE THE SANCTITY OF THE

THING YOU USE TO PICK UP DOG

VOMIT.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE, NOBODY KNOWS BETTER THAN

RICK SANTORUM THAT YOU CAN'T

JUST REDEFINE SOMETHING TO MEAN

SOMETHING ELSE.

"SANTORUM" MEANS ONLY "FORMER

SENATOR FROM PENNSYLVANIA." AND

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, YOU CAN

GOOGLE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

SO JUST AS MARRIAGE WILL ALWAYS

BE HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE,

NAPKINS WILL ALWAYS BE WHAT THEY

ARE: INCREDIBLY GAY.

[LAUGHTER]

TO THINK THAT ALL THESE YEARS,

I'VE BEEN RESTING THEM ON MY LAP

AND TOUCHING THEM TO MY LIPS.

AND WHEN I HAVE RIBS, I USE AS

MANY AS I CAN GET MY HANDS ON --

I'M SUCH A SLUT!

[LAUGHTER]

AND SOMETIMES YOU EVEN STUFF

THEM THROUGH A RING, WHICH I NOW

UNDERSTAND JUST ENHANCES THEIR

PLEASURE.

WELL, THAT ENDS NOW.

I'M REPLACING ALL THE NAPKINS IN

MY HOUSE WITH PAPER TOWELS.

AND I'M GOING WITH THE

STRAIGHTEST BRAND OUT THERE:

BRAWNY.

[LAUGHTER]

HELLOOOO.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]