NATION, REGULAR VIEWERS OF THIS
SHOW KNOW I HAVE A LONG-STANDING
BEEF WITH ASTROPHYSICIST STEPHEN
HAWKING.
WHAT KIND OF MEGALOMANIAC NAMES
HIS TV SHOW "STEPHEN HAWKING:
MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE."
THERE'S ONLY ONE MASTER OF THE
UNIVERSE, AND IT'S HE MAN.
SCREW HEISENBERG, FOLKS, IT'S
TIME ONCE AGAIN TO SAY WITH
TOTAL QUANTUM CERTAINTY STEPHEN
HAWKING IS SUCH AN A-HOLE.
[LAUGHTER]
HAWKING WON'T EVEN SHARE HIS
MASTERY OF THE UNIVERSE WITH THE
GUY WHO MADE THE UNIVERSE.
JIM.
>> HAWKING WRITES IN HIS BOOK,
"IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO INVOKE
GOD."
CAN YOU PROVE THAT GOD DOES NOT
EXIST?
>> ONE CAN PROVE THAT GOD
DOESN'T EXIST, BUT SCIENCE MAKES
GOD UNNECESSARY.
>>
>> Stephen: OH, SCIENCE MAKES
GOD UNNECESSARY?
WELL, I SAY YOUR BOOKS MAKE
AMBIENT UNNECESSARIMENT BESIDES,
STEVE, SCIENTISTS DO NEED GOD
FOR WHEN THEY GRAFT A KITTEN'S
HEAD ON TO A CHICKEN AND CRY
OUT, "OH, GOD, WHAT HAVE I
DONE?"
PLUS IT'S JUST PLAIN RUDE.
IF YOU TAKE THE BIG BANG AWAY
FROM GOD, WHAT DOES HE HAVE
LEFT?
OH, HE BURNED A BUSH AND GOT A
GIRL PREGNANT.
GREAT.
HE'S A HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR.
WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO
WITHOUT GOD NOW?
WHEN I WANT MY FOOTBALL TEAM TO
WIN THE PLAYOFFS, AM I SUPPOSED
TO PRAY TO PHYSICS?
WHEN I WON MY GRAMMY LAST YEAR,
SHOULD I HAVE THANKED THE
PERIODIC TABLE?
AND WHEN I'M ENGAGED IN THE
SWEET ACT OF LOVE MAKING, SHOULD
I CRY OUT, "OH, FRICTION."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ACTUALLY... FICTION DOES DESERVE
A LITTLE CREDIT.
THE POINT IS, FOLKS, STEPHEN
HAWKING IS A MARAUDING SOCIOPATH
HELL BENT ON DISMISSING THE
ACHIEVEMENTS OF OUR DIVINE
CREATOR.
YOU, STEPHEN HAWKING, ARE
SUCH -- FOLKS, WHO AM I KIDDING?
YOU DIDN'T COME HERE TONIGHT,
YOU DIDN'T TUNE IN TO HEAR ME
CALL STEPHEN HAWKING AN A-HOLE.
ALTHOUGH THERE IS LITTLE DOUBT.
[LAUGHTER]
NO, YOU TUNED IN TO HEAR ME MAKE
A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OH, OH, THIS ANNOUNCEMENT'S
GOING TO BE INTENSE.
NOW, IF YOU CAUGHT MY WARM-UP
ACT, YOU'LL KNOW THAT JON
STEWART MADE HIS BIG
ANNOUNCEMENT.
[LAUGHTER]
PERSONALLY I THOUGHT HE WAS
GOING TO FINALLY ADMIT TO
KILLING AND EATING MO ROCCA BACK
IN 2003.
[LAUGHTER]
HE MADE ALL OF US EAT HIS
ROCCA-TACOS.
[AS JON STEWART]: SO DELICIOUS
BUT NO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT
TURNS OUT JON'S ANNOUNCEMENT WAS
SOMETHING FAR MORE DISTURBING.
JON TONIGHT I ANNOUNCE THE RALLY
TO RESTORE SANITY.
WE WILL GATHER ON THE NATIONAL
MALL IN WASHINGTON, D.C., A
MILLION MODERATE MARCH.
IT SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY
REASONABLE REQUEST.
SEE YOU OCTOBER 30th ON THE
NATIONAL MALL SPREADING THE
TIMELESS MESSAGE -- TAKE IT DOWN
A NOTCH.
[LAUGHTER]
FOR AMERICA.
>> Stephen: WELL, I AM SORRY,
JON STEWART,LY NOT TAKE IT DOWN
A NOTCH.
I WILL NOTCH IT UP A STOACH.
JON STEWART IS HOLDING A RALLY
IN WASHINGTON, D.C., TO PROMOTE
REASONABLENESS?
NEED I POINT OUT THAT REASON IS
JUST ONE LETTER AWAY FROM
TREASON.
AND IF WE HAD TAKEN IT DOWN A
NOTCH WHEN THE BRITISH PASSED
THEIR TEA TAX, TODAY WE'D ALL BE
SPEAKING ENGLISH.
SO SHAME ON YOU, JON STEWART.
AMERICA CANNOT AFFORD A RALLY TO
RESTORE SANITY IN THE MIDDLE OF
A RECESSION.
DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER HOW MANY
PANIC RELATED JOBS THAT MIGHT
COST MOST OF US IN THE FEAR
INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX.
JIM?
>> PEOPLE ACROSS THE COUNTRY ARE
AFRAID.
>> TERRIFIED OF RUNNING SCARED.
>> AFRAID OF THE FUTURE.
>> PETRIFIED.
FREAKED OUT.
>> SCARED SILLY.
>> FRYINGENED.
>> A FRIGHTENING REALITY.
>> SOCIALIST.
>> RACIST.
>> TOXIC.
>> ANCHOR BABY.
>> FLU SEASON.
>> DEATH PANEL.
>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU THINK
SO MANY NEW SHOWS ARE SPONSORED
BY DEPENDS?
TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TO FIGHT JON STEWART'S CREEPING
REASONABLENESS, TO RESTORE
TRUTHINESS, I AM ANNOUNCING MY
RALLY.
NATION, ARE YOU READY?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GOOD.
BECAUSE I AM ANNOUNCING IT BIG!
LAUGHTER
JIMMY, GO.
MY FELLOW AMERICANS, TWO SCORE
AND FOUR DAYS FROM NOW ON
OCTOBER 30, 2010, I AM CALLING
FOR THE NATION TO JOIN ME ON THE
WASHINGTON MALL FOR THE MARCH TO
KEEP FEAR ALIVE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
REMEMBER, GOVERNMENT OF THE
PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE AND FOR
THE PEOPLE SHALL NOT PERISH FROM
THE EARTH, BUT YOU MIGHT.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SO MR. COLBERT...
>> Stephen: JON STEWART.
JON STEWART.
>> Jon: YES, IT IS I.
>> Stephen: WHAT, AND I SAY
WHAT AGAIN, SIR?
>> Jon: AND I ANSWER YOU THIS
TIME, SIR.
I HEARD ABOUT YOUR MARCH TO KEEP
FEAR ALIVE, STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> Stephen: OH, ARE YOU
SCARED, JON?
>> Jon: REASONABLY CONCERNED.
>> Stephen: I WILL SEE YOU IN
HELL.
>> Jon:, NO YOU WILL SEE ME ON
THE WASHINGTON MALL ON OCTOBER
30th AND THEN LATER IF HELL
DOES EXIST OBVIOUSLY WE WILL SEE
EACH OTHER, BUT I CAN'T SAY
EITHER WAY.
>> Stephen: ON OCTOBER
30th.
>> Jon: SAY IT AGAIN.
>> Stephen: 30BG9th.
WASHINGTON, D.C.
>> Jon: WHERE SHOULD WE GO?
>> Stephen: PEOPLE SHOULD
DEFINITELY BOOK THEIR HOTEL
ROOMS NOW OR THEIR CHILDREN
MIGHT TURN GAY.
>> Jon: NO, NO!
>> Stephen: YES.
>> Jon: THAT IS NOT THE
RESULT.
THEY SHOULD BOOK THEIR ROOMS NOW
BECAUSE IT WILL BE MORE
DIFFICULT TO GET A GOOD ROOM IF
YOU WAIT.
>> Stephen: DAMN YOUR
REASONABLENESS.
>> Jon: IT IS ON.
WON'T BACK DOWN, SIR.
>> Stephen: JON STEWART,
EVERYBODY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Jon: IT IS ON!
>> Stephen: YES, YES.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS ON.
OCTOBER 30th ON THE MALL.
BECAUSE NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO
TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH.
NOW IS THE TIME FOR ALL GOOD MEN
TO F