March to Keep Fear Alive Announcement

  • Aired:  09/16/10
  •  | Views: 638,383

To restore truthiness and fight Jon Stewart's creeping reasonableness, Stephen announces his March to Keep Fear Alive. (8:22)

NATION, REGULAR VIEWERS OF THIS

SHOW KNOW I HAVE A LONG-STANDING

BEEF WITH ASTROPHYSICIST STEPHEN

HAWKING.

WHAT KIND OF MEGALOMANIAC NAMES

HIS TV SHOW "STEPHEN HAWKING:

MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE."

THERE'S ONLY ONE MASTER OF THE

UNIVERSE, AND IT'S HE MAN.

SCREW HEISENBERG, FOLKS, IT'S

TIME ONCE AGAIN TO SAY WITH

TOTAL QUANTUM CERTAINTY STEPHEN

HAWKING IS SUCH AN A-HOLE.

[LAUGHTER]

HAWKING WON'T EVEN SHARE HIS

MASTERY OF THE UNIVERSE WITH THE

GUY WHO MADE THE UNIVERSE.

JIM.

>> HAWKING WRITES IN HIS BOOK,

"IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO INVOKE

GOD."

CAN YOU PROVE THAT GOD DOES NOT

EXIST?

>> ONE CAN PROVE THAT GOD

DOESN'T EXIST, BUT SCIENCE MAKES

GOD UNNECESSARY.

>>

>> Stephen: OH, SCIENCE MAKES

GOD UNNECESSARY?

WELL, I SAY YOUR BOOKS MAKE

AMBIENT UNNECESSARIMENT BESIDES,

STEVE, SCIENTISTS DO NEED GOD

FOR WHEN THEY GRAFT A KITTEN'S

HEAD ON TO A CHICKEN AND CRY

OUT, "OH, GOD, WHAT HAVE I

DONE?"

PLUS IT'S JUST PLAIN RUDE.

IF YOU TAKE THE BIG BANG AWAY

FROM GOD, WHAT DOES HE HAVE

LEFT?

OH, HE BURNED A BUSH AND GOT A

GIRL PREGNANT.

GREAT.

HE'S A HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR.

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO

WITHOUT GOD NOW?

WHEN I WANT MY FOOTBALL TEAM TO

WIN THE PLAYOFFS, AM I SUPPOSED

TO PRAY TO PHYSICS?

WHEN I WON MY GRAMMY LAST YEAR,

SHOULD I HAVE THANKED THE

PERIODIC TABLE?

AND WHEN I'M ENGAGED IN THE

SWEET ACT OF LOVE MAKING, SHOULD

I CRY OUT, "OH, FRICTION."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ACTUALLY... FICTION DOES DESERVE

A LITTLE CREDIT.

THE POINT IS, FOLKS, STEPHEN

HAWKING IS A MARAUDING SOCIOPATH

HELL BENT ON DISMISSING THE

ACHIEVEMENTS OF OUR DIVINE

CREATOR.

YOU, STEPHEN HAWKING, ARE

SUCH -- FOLKS, WHO AM I KIDDING?

YOU DIDN'T COME HERE TONIGHT,

YOU DIDN'T TUNE IN TO HEAR ME

CALL STEPHEN HAWKING AN A-HOLE.

ALTHOUGH THERE IS LITTLE DOUBT.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, YOU TUNED IN TO HEAR ME MAKE

A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH, OH, THIS ANNOUNCEMENT'S

GOING TO BE INTENSE.

NOW, IF YOU CAUGHT MY WARM-UP

ACT, YOU'LL KNOW THAT JON

STEWART MADE HIS BIG

ANNOUNCEMENT.

[LAUGHTER]

PERSONALLY I THOUGHT HE WAS

GOING TO FINALLY ADMIT TO

KILLING AND EATING MO ROCCA BACK

IN 2003.

[LAUGHTER]

HE MADE ALL OF US EAT HIS

ROCCA-TACOS.

[AS JON STEWART]: SO DELICIOUS

BUT NO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT

TURNS OUT JON'S ANNOUNCEMENT WAS

SOMETHING FAR MORE DISTURBING.

JON TONIGHT I ANNOUNCE THE RALLY

TO RESTORE SANITY.

WE WILL GATHER ON THE NATIONAL

MALL IN WASHINGTON, D.C., A

MILLION MODERATE MARCH.

IT SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY

REASONABLE REQUEST.

SEE YOU OCTOBER 30th ON THE

NATIONAL MALL SPREADING THE

TIMELESS MESSAGE -- TAKE IT DOWN

A NOTCH.

[LAUGHTER]

FOR AMERICA.

>> Stephen: WELL, I AM SORRY,

JON STEWART,LY NOT TAKE IT DOWN

A NOTCH.

I WILL NOTCH IT UP A STOACH.

JON STEWART IS HOLDING A RALLY

IN WASHINGTON, D.C., TO PROMOTE

REASONABLENESS?

NEED I POINT OUT THAT REASON IS

JUST ONE LETTER AWAY FROM

TREASON.

AND IF WE HAD TAKEN IT DOWN A

NOTCH WHEN THE BRITISH PASSED

THEIR TEA TAX, TODAY WE'D ALL BE

SPEAKING ENGLISH.

SO SHAME ON YOU, JON STEWART.

AMERICA CANNOT AFFORD A RALLY TO

RESTORE SANITY IN THE MIDDLE OF

A RECESSION.

DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER HOW MANY

PANIC RELATED JOBS THAT MIGHT

COST MOST OF US IN THE FEAR

INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX.

JIM?

>> PEOPLE ACROSS THE COUNTRY ARE

AFRAID.

>> TERRIFIED OF RUNNING SCARED.

>> AFRAID OF THE FUTURE.

>> PETRIFIED.

FREAKED OUT.

>> SCARED SILLY.

>> FRYINGENED.

>> A FRIGHTENING REALITY.

>> SOCIALIST.

>> RACIST.

>> TOXIC.

>> ANCHOR BABY.

>> FLU SEASON.

>> DEATH PANEL.

>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU THINK

SO MANY NEW SHOWS ARE SPONSORED

BY DEPENDS?

TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

TO FIGHT JON STEWART'S CREEPING

REASONABLENESS, TO RESTORE

TRUTHINESS, I AM ANNOUNCING MY

RALLY.

NATION, ARE YOU READY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD.

BECAUSE I AM ANNOUNCING IT BIG!

LAUGHTER

JIMMY, GO.

MY FELLOW AMERICANS, TWO SCORE

AND FOUR DAYS FROM NOW ON

OCTOBER 30, 2010, I AM CALLING

FOR THE NATION TO JOIN ME ON THE

WASHINGTON MALL FOR THE MARCH TO

KEEP FEAR ALIVE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

REMEMBER, GOVERNMENT OF THE

PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE AND FOR

THE PEOPLE SHALL NOT PERISH FROM

THE EARTH, BUT YOU MIGHT.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO MR. COLBERT...

>> Stephen: JON STEWART.

JON STEWART.

>> Jon: YES, IT IS I.

>> Stephen: WHAT, AND I SAY

WHAT AGAIN, SIR?

>> Jon: AND I ANSWER YOU THIS

TIME, SIR.

I HEARD ABOUT YOUR MARCH TO KEEP

FEAR ALIVE, STEPHEN COLBERT.

>> Stephen: OH, ARE YOU

SCARED, JON?

>> Jon: REASONABLY CONCERNED.

>> Stephen: I WILL SEE YOU IN

HELL.

>> Jon:, NO YOU WILL SEE ME ON

THE WASHINGTON MALL ON OCTOBER

30th AND THEN LATER IF HELL

DOES EXIST OBVIOUSLY WE WILL SEE

EACH OTHER, BUT I CAN'T SAY

EITHER WAY.

>> Stephen: ON OCTOBER

30th.

>> Jon: SAY IT AGAIN.

>> Stephen: 30BG9th.

WASHINGTON, D.C.

>> Jon: WHERE SHOULD WE GO?

>> Stephen: PEOPLE SHOULD

DEFINITELY BOOK THEIR HOTEL

ROOMS NOW OR THEIR CHILDREN

MIGHT TURN GAY.

>> Jon: NO, NO!

>> Stephen: YES.

>> Jon: THAT IS NOT THE

RESULT.

THEY SHOULD BOOK THEIR ROOMS NOW

BECAUSE IT WILL BE MORE

DIFFICULT TO GET A GOOD ROOM IF

YOU WAIT.

>> Stephen: DAMN YOUR

REASONABLENESS.

>> Jon: IT IS ON.

WON'T BACK DOWN, SIR.

>> Stephen: JON STEWART,

EVERYBODY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: IT IS ON!

>> Stephen: YES, YES.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS ON.

OCTOBER 30th ON THE MALL.

BECAUSE NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO

TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH.

NOW IS THE TIME FOR ALL GOOD MEN

TO F

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