Colbert Super PAC SHH! - The Donating Game

  • Aired:  09/29/11
  •  | Views: 27,387

Stephen needs billionaire donations because he blew a lot of Colbert Nation's Super PAC cash hiring Oscar winner Kevin Kline. (5:30)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

FOLKS, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO JUST

JOINED US, I HELPED FORM COLBERT

SUPERPACK SHH, A 501 C4 THAT

ACCEPTS UNLIMITED BUT SECRET

DONATIONS.

THAT MEANS I DON'T HAVE TO

DISCLOSE MY DONORS ANYMORE, SO,

JIMMY, LET'S SWITCH TO THE NEW

501 C-4 CRAWL.

THERE YOU GO.

NOW, IT TURNS OUT THAT MY

FRIEND, KARL ROVE, HAS A PAC

THAT IS PRIMARILY FUNDED BY A

FEW HIGH ROLLERS.

IN FACT N2011, 90% OF HIS MONEY

CAME FROM JUST THREE BILLIONAIRE

DONORS.

FOLKS, BILLIONAIRES ARE JUST

SALT OF THE EARTH PEOPLE, IN

THAT THEY OWN SALT MINES AND

MUCH OF THE EARTH

( LAUGHTER )

AND, ALSO, SOME PEOPLE.

( LAUGHTER )

BUT C-4s ARE MUCH BETTER THAN

PACS.

ACCORDING TO THE SEC, THEY DON'T

HAVE TO DISCLOSE THEY'RE BILLION

ARIZONA.

THEY'RE LIKE CAMPAIGN FINANCE

GLORY HOLES.

YOU STICK YOUR MONEY IN THE

HOLE, THE OTHER PERSON ACCEPTS

YOUR DONATION, AND BECAUSE IT'S

HAPPENING ANONYMOUSLY, NO ONE

FEELS DIRTY

( LAUGHTER )

SO, CLEARLY, I NEEDS ME A SUGAR

DADDY.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE DON'TATING

GAME!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WELCOME TO THE DONATING GAME.

LET'S MEET OUR HOST, KEVIN KLINE

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Stephen: I SHOULD EXPLAIN.

EXCUSE ME, KEVIN.

I SHOULD EXPLAIN.

ONE OF THE REASONS I NEED A

BILLIONAIRE IS THAT I HAVE BLOWN

A LOT OF YOUR CASH HIRING OSCAR

WINNER KEVIN KLINE TO HOST THIS

GAME.

>> I DON'T COME CHEAP.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT,

TONIGHT WE HAVE THREE ELIGIBLE

ANONYMOUS BILLION WHEERS WILL

HAVE A CHANCE TO PUT THEIR MONEY

WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS, STEPHEN.

ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE NUMBER ONE

HAS A GLOBAL MEDIA EMPIRE.

HE ENJOYS SAILING.

HIS HOT YOUNG ASIAN WIFE, AND

CRIPPLING THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT

WITH SCANDALS THAT SPREAD LIKE

CRABS AT A YOUTH HOSTEL

( LAUGHTER )

PLEASE WELCOME BILLIONAIRE

NUMBER ONE.

>> G'DAY, MATE.

>> Stephen: OH, IRISH.

>> NO, AUSTRALIAN?

A. STILL, EUROPEAN, NICE.KEVIN KLINE.

>> ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE NUMBER

TWO HAILS FROM CHICAGO WHERE SHE

AMASSED A FORTUNE BY BEING THE

ONLY THING ON AT 4:00.

SHE ENJOYS DRAMATIC FLUCTUATION

IN ADDITION WEIGHT, VERY LONG

ENGAGEMENTS AND HER BEST FRIEND,

GAIL.

PLEASE WELCOME ANONYMOUS

BILLIONAIRE NUMBER TWO.

>> STEPHEN, I WANT TO HAVE AN

A-HA MOMENT WITH YOU.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Stephen: OH.

THAT SOUNDS DIRTY.

>> IT'S ABOUT LIVING YOUR DREAM!

>> Stephen: OH, REALLY DIRTY.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE NUMBER

THREE COMES TO US FROM DALLAS,

WHERE HE'S THE OWNER OF A PRO

SPORS TEAM.

HE ENJOYS YELLING AT N.B.A.

REFS, YELLING AT N.B.A. PLAYERS,

AND YELLING ABOUT HIS MASSIVE

N.B.A. FINES.

PLEASE WELCOME ANONYMOUS

BILLIONAIRE NUMBER THREE.

>> THE DALLAS MAVERICKS ARE THE

WORLD CHAMPS.

THAT'S THE TROPHY, AND THE REST

CAN SUCK MY BIG GOLD BALL.

>> Stephen: OH!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THIS ONE'S FIERY.

ME LIKEY.

>> OKAY, STEPHEN.

I HAVE FULFILLED MY CONTRACTUAL

OBLIGATIONS

( LAUGHTER )

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, KEVIN

KLINE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NOW, THEN, HOW MUCH MONEY WOULD

YOU GIVE ME, BILLIONARY NUMBER

ONE?

>> I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU ANY

MONEY.

I ALREADY DONATED $20 TO SEE MY

NAME IN THE CRAWL.

IP. FOSTERS.

THAT'S AUSTRALIAN FOR FUNNY.

>> Stephen: GREAT,

BILLIONAIRE NUMBER TWO.

>> STEPHEN, I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY

MONEY ROUTE NOW, BUT I CAN GIVE

YOU A CAR!

>> Stephen: I DOMENT WANT A

CAR.

>> I'LL TAKE A CAR.

>> Stephen: I JUST GAVE YOU

STACKS OF CASH.

YOU'RE A MOVIE STAR.

YOU HAVE LOTS OF MONEY.

>> I RAKED IN QUITE A TIDY SUM

WITH ALL THOSE "SOPHIE CHOICE"

ACTION FIGURES.

>> Stephen: YES, THEY WERE

PART OF McDONALD'S TRAGIC

MEALS

( LAUGHTER )

>> WASN'T MY IDEA.

>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF

TRAGEDY, BILLIONAIRE NUMBER

THREE, I HESITATE TO EVEN ASK.

I'LL GIVE YOU A LOT OF MONEY.

>> Stephen: WE HAVE A WINNER!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE NUMBER

THREE, COME ON DOWN!

>> WAIT, WAIT, NO!

THE WHOLE POINT IS THAT YOU

DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!

>> OH, YEAH.

>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.

WELL, TELL YOU WHAT, CAN YOU

MEET ME BACK OVER THERE IN ABOUT

TWO MINUTES AFTER THE COMMERCIAL

BREAK?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S IT

FOR THE DONATING GAME.

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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