Canada's Economic Growth Despite Melting Currency

  • Aired:  07/19/12
  •  | Views: 20,378

America is winning at losing the economic race, and Canada learns nothing from the story of Hanukkah. (3:05)

>> WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH.

NATION, YOU KNOW, NO MATTER

HOW LOW OUR ECONOMY HAS SUNK,

AMERICA HAS ALWAYS BEEN ABLE

TO CONSOLE ITSELF WITH ONE

SIMPLE TRUTH, AT LEAST WE'RE

NOT CANADA.

WITH THEIR PELT-BASED

ECONOMY, CANADA HAS ALWAYS

BEEN THE PLAIN SISTER WHO

MAKES US FEEL SEXY.

THAT'S WHY I WAS CRUSHED TO

LEARN THIS.

>> OUR NEIGHBORS TO THE

NORTH, GET READY FOR THIS,

BECAUSE WE'RE COMING DOWN A

NOTCH IN THIS COUNTRY, OUR

CANADIAN FRIENDS ARE NOW

RICHER THAN WE ARE.

>> NEW ANALYSIS SHOWS FOR

THE FIRST TIME CANADIANS

HAVE A HIGHER AVERAGE NET

WORTH THAN AMERICANS.

>> CANADIANS ARE WORTH MORE

THAN AMERICANS!

FOR PETE'S SAKES.

THEY'VE GOT DUCKS ON THEIR

MONEY.

(LAUGHTER)

APPARENTLY THE NET WORTH OF

THE AVERAGE CANADIAN

HOUSEHOLD IN 200-- 2011 WAS

$363,202 DOLLARS WHILE THE

AVERAGE AMERICAN HOUSEHOLD

NET WORTH WAS $319,907.

THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE OF-- I

DON'T KNOW BECAUSE AMERICANS

CAN'T DO MATH.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THE CANADIANS DON'T EVEN

KNOW HOW TO GLOAT ABOUT IT.

CANADIAN COLUMNIST DOUG

HADDOW SAID QUOTE EF RELING

IN AMERICA'S FALL FROM THE

TOP IS ULTIMATELY

UNCANADIAN.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU BEGIN TO

SUSPECT THAT WE'RE NOT

ACTUALLY WINNING, WE'RE JUST

LOSING MORE SLOWLY.

HA.

SUCK IT, SLOWPOKES.

WE'RE WINNING AT LOSING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT,

YOU KNOW WHAT, HERE'S THEIR

MONEY.

HERE'S THEIR MONEY.

WE DON'T NEED YOUR PITTY.

YOU MAY HAVE MORE OF YOUR

FANCY SEA THROUGH POLLY MER

PLAY MONEY NOW BUT IT'S TO

THE GOING TO LAST.

>> WHILE THE CANADIAN

ECONOMY IS DOING PRETTY WELL,

IT'S NEW 50 AND $100 BILLS

APPEAR TO BE MELTING.

THE NEW BILLS ARE MADE FROM

A POLYMER THAT WAS SUPPOSED

TO BE INDESTRUCTABLE.

TURNS OUT THE BILLS CAN MELT

IF LEFT IN CARS ON A HOT

SUMMER DAY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: LEAVE IT TO THE

CANUCKS TO TURN A CURRENCY

THAT WORKS ONLY IN ICE RINKS.

CANADA, HAVE YOU LEARNED

NOTHING FROM THE STORY OF

HANUKKAH WHEN THE MACCABEES

FENDED OFF THEIR GREEK

OPPRESSERS ONLY TO HAVE THE

DESERT HEAT DESTROY THEIR

TREASURY OF CHOCOLATE COINS?

THIS JUST PROVES-- THIS JUST

PROVES WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS

SUSPECTED, CANADA.

CELSIUS DOES NOT WORK.

YOUR WATER BOILS AT 100

DEGREES.

OURS CAN GET ALL THE WAY UP

TO 212.

THAT'S WHY OUR MONEY IS

TOUGHER.

IN THE MEANTIME, YOU ENJOY

THAT GLOBAL WARMING,