2072: Race to the White Orb

  • Aired:  11/13/12
  •  | Views: 53,591

The 2016 presidential election is really pre-heating up, but America needs to know the favorites for 2020 and 2072. (4:21)

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN") THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE "REPORT."

CHAUSZ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.

PLEASE, NATION, WE HAVE A BIG SHOW TONIGHT.

MY GUEST IS NONE OTHER THAN FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE AND CURRENT MOON GOVERNOR NEWT GINGRICH.

(LAUGHTER) TWO TITANS OF SOUTH CAROLINA POLITICS GOING HEAD TO HEAD.

BUT WHO CAN FORGET WHEN GINGRICH SWEPT THE SOUTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN PRIMARY AND I RAN FOR

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF SOUTH CAROLINA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SADLY, SADLY, FOLKS, I HAD TO SUSPEND MY CAMPAIGN ON THE TECHNICALITY THAT I DO NOT WANT

THAT JOB AND IT DOES NOT EXIST.

(LAUGHTER) BUT, FOLKS, ALL THAT'S BEHIND US NOW.

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS OF 2012 IS FINALLY OVER.

AFTER TWO YEARS OF RELENTLESS POLL ANALYSIS, ELECTORAL MAP SWIPING, UNDECIDED VOTER DIAL

TESTING AND BEING FORCED TO USE THE WORD "CUYAHOGA" IN A SENTENCE -- (LAUGHTER)

-- WE CAN FINALLY TAKE A BREATHER.

JUST RELAX WITH A NICE SOOTHING CUP OF CAMOMILE BREEZE AND JUST LET IT ALL --

>> DO YOU THINK IT'S TOO EARLY TO TALK ABOUT 2016?

WE DON'T THINK SO.

(GUNSHOT) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: (BLEEP) YOU!

I'VE HAD IT!

I'M A HUMAN BEING GODDAMNIT!

I HAVE RIGHTS!

CAN'T WE JUST MOVE ON TO SOME OTHER ASPECT OF OUR LIVES?

NOT EVERYTHING IS A CONSTANT CONTEST FOR POLITICAL ADVANTAGE!

AMERICA'S FACING SOME SERIOUS PROBLEMS!

THERE ARE TIMES TO RUN AND THEN THERE ARE TIMES TO GOVERN!

WE NEED TO COME TOGETHER, LET IT GO, MOVE ON, GOD!

(APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) SO WHAT ARE THE NUMBERS?

>> THE PUBLIC POLICY POLLING SURVEY ASKED IOWA DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS LAST WEEK WHOND THEY

WOULD LIKE TO SEE AS THEIR NOMINEE.

FOR THE DEMOCRAT, HILLARY CLINTON THE OVERWHELMINGLY TOP PICK.

58%.

FOLLOWED BY JOE BIDEN.

FOR THE REPUBLICANS, THEIR TOP FAVORITES MIKE HUCKABEE, CHRIS CHRISTIE, MARCO RUBIO, PAUL RYAN.

>> Stephen: YES, 2016 IS ON!

(LAUGHTER) WHICH MEANS ANY MOMENT NOW ARIZONA SHOULD BE FINISHED COUNTING THEIR 2012 BALLOTS.

(LAUGHTER) NOW, FOLKS, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, THIS 2016 THING IS REALLY PRE-HEATING UP.

BUT I SAY WHY STOP AT 2016?

(LAUGHTER) I NEED TO KNOW THE EARLY FAVORITES FOR 2020.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HOW IS CHELSEA CLINTON STACKING UP AGAINST TAG ROMNEY?

(LAUGHTER) MORE IMPORTANTLY, WILL TAG BE ABLE TO WARD OFF A LAST-DITCH CHALLENGE BY MITT ROMNEY?

(LAUGHTER) OH, HE'S RUNNING.

AND AS AMERICA'S PREMIER NEWS READER, IT'S MY DUTY TO STAY WAY WAY AHEAD OF THESE RACES.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT I AM PROUD TO LAUNCH MY COVERAGE OF ELECTION: 2072, RACE TO THE WHITE OR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) BROUGHT TO YOU BY VIRTUAL OLIVE GARDEN.

(LAUGHTER) WHEN YOU'RE TECHNICALLY NOT HERE YOU'RE FAMILY.

(LAUGHTER) NOW, SO FAR, IN 2072 LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE A MATCHUP BETWEEN ROBOCHENEY VERSUS A

SWARM OF SENTIENT NANO HORNETS.

THOSE NANO HORNETS ARE GOING TO BE TOUGH TO BEAT, FOLKS, BECAUSE I HEAR THIS WEEKEND THEY WERE

SWARMING AN IOWA PANCAKE BREAKFAST.

(LAUGHTER) AND LIKE MY COLLEAGUES ALL ACROSS CABLE NEWS, I

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