Colbert Super PAC - Americone Dream Super Pack

  • Aired:  02/01/12
  •  | Views: 42,305

Ben & Jerry's releases a 2012 election year package that equates the dominance of Americone Dream with that of the Colbert Super PAC. (4:57)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU.

FOLKS, I DON'T THINK IT'S ANY

SECRET, ANYBODY WHO WATCHES THE

NEWS KNOWS WE LIVE IN A DIVIDED

NATION BUT THERE ARE SOME EVENTS

SO TRAGIC THAT THEY BRING US

TOGETHER, REGARDLESS OF OUR

BELIEFS.

I'M SPEAKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT

THE EPIDEMIC OF PEOPLE EATING

JIMMY FALLON'S ICE CREAM LATE

NIGHT SNACK.

JIMMY'S... FOOD IS AN UNHOLY

SLURRY OF VANILLA AND

FUDGE-COVERED POTATO CHIP

CLUSTERS I ASSUME PAINSTAKINGLY

COMBED OUT OF JERRY'S BEARD

AFTER LUNCH.

IT BREAKS MY HEART TO THINK OF

CHILDREN FORCED TO EAT JIMMY'S

SWILL, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE

CRYING OUT FOR A TASTE OF MY BEN

& JERRY'S ICE CREAM FLAVOR,

STEPHEN COLBERT'S AMERICONE

DREAM

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

A SATISFYING BLEND OF VANILLA

ICE CREAM, CARAMEL, AND

FUNNEL-COVERED WAFFLE CONE

PIECES.

OH, YES.

THAT'S THE SOUND OF FREEDOM

GOING MMM!

( LAUGHTER )

FOLKS REGULAR VIEWERS OF THE

FOLKS KNOW THAT BEGINNING LAST

MARCH, I LOVED JIMMY FALLON.

WE WERE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER FOR

SIX MONTHS.

BUT THEN THOSE SIX MONTHS ENDED

IN SEPTEMBER, AND WE BECAME

ETERNAL ENEMIES FOR SIX MONTHS.

SO NOW I HATE HIM.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WILL HAPPEN

IN THE NEXT SIX MONTHS BECAUSE I

DON'T KNOW ANY OTHER EMOTIONS.

NOW, I WAS PERFECTLY HAPPY TO

HATE JIMMY IN SEETHING, MERCLESS

SILENCE, BUT LAST OCTOBER, JIMMY

RAISED THE STAKES BY SOMEHOW

GETTING BEN & JERRY'S TO COME ON

HIS SHOW AND SAY THIS --

>> THE BIG ISSUE EVERYONE IS

TALKING ABOUT IS I'M OUT-SELLING

STEPHEN COLBERT'S ICE CREAM.

>> YOU KNOW, THE FLAVOR IS DOING

VERY, VERY WELL.

THE SHORT ANSWER IS YES, IT'S

OUTSELL.

>> YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: JIMMY FALLON'S

ICE CREAM WAS OUTSELLING MINE.

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

WHO WAS BUYING IT AND WHAT FOR.

DID FEAR FACTOR RUN OUT OF

DONKEY SEMEN.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

IT'S POSSIBLE.

SO ONCE AGAIN, I AM CALLING ON

YOU HEROS TO GET OUT THERE AND

KNOCK THIS USURPER OFF MY

FUDGE-COVERED THRONE.

I WANT YOU TO CRUSH HIM, TO BEAT

HIM LIKE A REDHEADED STEPCHILD.

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH CONAN'S

ICE CREAM, RED VELVET STEPCHILD

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FOLKS, FOLKS, I AM HAPPY TO SAY

THAT BEN AN GER REON MY SIDE.

THEY ARE RELEASING AN EXCITING

NEW PACKAGE THAT EWAITS THE

DOMINANCE OF MY ICE CREAM WITH

THE DOMINANCE OF MY SUPERPAC.

YOU CAN NOW BUY AMERICONE DREAM

IN SUPERPAC PACKS

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THEY'RE GOOD.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, I'D LIKE

TO SEE YOU FOLKS FAKE AN ORGASM.

IN THIS ELECTION, COLBERT

SUPERPAC IS THROWING ITS WEIGHT

AROUND, AND THANKS TO MY ICE

CREAM, WE'LL HAVE EVEN MORE

WEIGHT TO THROW AROUND.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NOW, THESE-- THESE NEW SUPERPAC

PACKS WILL BE RELEASED AT SOME

POINT, AND YOU WILL WANT TO

SNATCH THEM UP, FOLKS, BECAUSE

THIS IS A COLLECTIBLE.

YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE IT SAYS SO

RIGHT THERE, "2012 COLLECTIBLE

ELECTION YEAR PACKAGE."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

REMEMBER, THESE HEIRLOOMS ONLY

RETAIN THEIR VALUE AS LONG AS

THEY REMAIN UNOPENED.

SO BE SURE TO BUY A PINT AND PUT

IT IN A SAFE DEPOSIT BOX WITH

ALL YOUR MOST IMPORTANT

DOCUMENTS AND CHILDHOOD PHOTOS.

NOW I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT

ALTHOUGH THE ICE CREAM CUP IS

CALLED A SUPERPAC, PROFITS FROM

AMERICONE DREAM WILL NOT GO TO

COLBERT SUPERPAC.

THEY'LL STILL GO TO CHARITIES

LIKE THE YELLOW RIBBON FUND,

DONORS CHOOSE, AND THE

LNS RECOVERY FUND PROVIDING

EMERGENCY MEDICAL CARE FOR

PEOPLE WHO HAVE ACCIDENTALLY

INGESTED JIMMY FALLON'S LATE

NIGHT SNACK.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

NOW, FOLKS, THE PHYSICAL DAMAGE

LASTS ONLY A FEW DAYS, BUT THE

EMOTIONAL SCARS LAST A LIFETIME.

AND TO CELEBRATE THIS NEW

SUPERPACKAGING ON VALENTINE'S

DAY, THE FIFTH ANNIVERSARY OF

THE RELEASE OF AMERICONE DREAM,

PARTICIPATING BEN & JERRY'S

SCOOP SHOPS ACROSS AMERICA WILL

BE GIVING IT AWAY.

THAT'S RIGHT, FREE AMERICONE

DREAM, FEBRUARY 14, FROM 5:00

P.M. TO 8:00 P.M.

SO MAKE SURE TO HEAD ON OVER AND

GET YOURS BECAUSE ON VALENTINE'S

DAY, THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO

SAY "I HATE YOU, JIMMY FALLON."

( LAUGHTER )

I REALLY HATE YOU.

( LAUGHTER )

>> OOOH!

>> Stephen: I MISS US.

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