Stephen Colbert's End of the World of the Week - Survivalist Singles & Tsunami Food

  • Aired:  04/12/12
  •  | Views: 4,819

An Internet dating service helps survivalists Arma-get-it-on, and a fast food chain reminds evacuees to grab a menu. (4:23)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOW FOLKS, ON THE SLIM CHANCES THAT ROMNEY DOES NOT

WIN IN NOVEMBER T WILL MEAN THE END OF THE WORLD.

SO YOU NEED TO BRACE YOURSELF FOR THE FUTURE END TIMES WITH TONIGHT'S EDITION

OF-- STEPHEN COLBERT'S END OF THE WORLD.

OF THE WEEK.

FOLKS, I LIKE TO KEEP YOU ABREAST OF THE LATEST INNOVATIONS IN THE SURVIVALIST LIFESTYLE.

FROM THE FINEST IN UNDERGROUND APOCALYPSE LAYERS TO EMERGENCY BACKPACKS OF DEHYDRATED BEEF

STROGANOFF TO MY RECIPE BOOK OF URINE BASED COCKTAILS.

(LAUGHTER) YOU'LL LOVE MY CLASSIC MARTINI.

BUT FOLKS, WE MUST NOT FORGET THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF PREPARING FOR ARMAGEDDON.

LOVE.

LET'S FACE T IT'S HARD TO REPOPULATE THE EARTH WITH A JAR OF BEATS.

LUCKILY A NEW SERVICE OUT THERE IS HERE TO HELP YOU ARM GETA IT ON.

>> IF YOU BELIEVE THE MAYANS AND 2012 IS THE END OF THE WORLD, THERE IS A DOOMSDAY

DATING SITE FOR YOU.

>> ANGELA RUNS SURVIVALIST SINGLE.COM AM MORE THAN 2,000S HAVE SIGNED UP FOR

FREE PROFILES ON HER SITE.

>> Stephen: SURVIVALIST SINGLE.COM.

A MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE SURVIVALIST MATCHMAKING TOOL THAN THE OLD WAY OF RUNNING

OLD ONE BUY SINGLE WHITE MALE WITH 2,000 CANS SEEKING FEMALE WITH CAN OPENER.

TAKE A LOCK AT SOME OF THESE GREAT PROFILES.

>> I HAVE BEEN TELLING PEOPLE SINCE I WAS A CHILD THAT THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT

IS GOING TO END.

A HELPLESS ROMANTIC.

OR AT THE VERY LEAST,

HOPELESS.

AND LADIES, HOW ABOUT 65-YEAR-OLD EARTHMAN WHO SAYS HE'S CURRENTLY LIVING OFF THE GRID.

I TRIED OTHER DATING SITES YEARS AGO, GAVE UP,

APPARENTLY MOST WOMEN ARE NOT TURNED ON BY THE OFF GRID LIVING.

OKAY.

YE HARMONY LADIES WITH YOUR ELECTRICITY AND RUNNING WATER.

THAT'S JUST MORE HAND CUT SQUIRREL FOR THE EARTH MAN.

YOUR LOSS.

BECAUSE HIS TOILET IS STILL OUTSIDE AND IT HAS A SKYLIGHT.

IMAGINE.

A ROMANTIC NIGHT TOGETHER IN THE OUTHOUSE GAZING UP AT THE NUCLEAR DUST CLOUD

BLACKING OUT THE STARS.

I JUST HOPE THERE IS ENOUGH ROOM IN THERE TO GET DOWN ON ONE KNEE.

BUT WORD TO THE WISE, FOLKS,

SOME SURVIVALLISTS MAY NOT BE LOOKING FOR A COMPANION SO MUCH AS A POST APOCALYPTIC FOOD SOURCE.

SO WATCH OUT FOR ANYONE WHOSE BODY PREFERENCE IS WELL MARBLED.

NOW THE SURVIVAL IRS SINGLES IS A FREE SITE BUT THERE ARE SOME GOOD WAYS TO MAKE MONEY

OFF DISASTER.

FOR INSTANCE YESTERDAY WHEN AN 8.6 EARTHQUAKE STRUCK INDONESIA SPOKES FEARS OF

ANOTHER TRAGIC TSUNAMI ONE ASIAN BUSINESS WAS READY TO CASH IN.

>> KFC THAILAND IS APOLOGISING FOR A FACEBOOK POST DURING YESTERDAY'S

TSUNAMI SCARE AS PEOPLE WERE URGED TO EVACUATE, THE FAST FOOD CHAIN TOLD EVERYONE TO

HURRY HOME AND DON'T FORGET TO ORDER YOUR FAVORITE KFC MENU.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'RE APOLOGIZING.

KFC IS THE PERFECT DISASTER FOOD BECAUSE AFTER FINISHING THE FAMILY SIZED BUCKET, YOU

CAN ROW IT TO SAFETY.

NOW-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

I COULD GO FOR SOME OF THAT RIGHT NOW.

NOW WHILE SOME PEOPLE SEE A DISASTER, KFC THAILAND SAW A DISASTER ADVERTISING

OPPORTUNITY, OR DIS-AD-TUNIYT.

I SAY THERE IS NO REASON SOS COULDN'T STAND FOR SOUP OR SALAD.

FOLKS, MORE COMPANIES SHOULD TAP INTO THE GROWING DISASTER MARKET TO BOOST THEIR SALES.

I LOCK FORWARD TO THE DAY WHEN YOU CAN CALL 911 AND SAY THERE'S A FLOOD

ENGULFING THE VALLEY AND I WOULD LIKE SOME GARLI

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