Tip/Wag - All-China Edition

  • Aired:  12/17/13
  •  | Views: 30,969

Chinese officials extol the benefits of smog, North Korea's Kim Jong-un sentences his uncle to death, and the moon gives up on America. (5:49)

THEY SAY YOU SHOULDN'T JUDGE ABOOK BY IT'S COVER.

THIS IS WHY I READ EVERY PAGE OF"HITLER WAS RIGHT."

I COULD OF JUST GONE WITH THECOVER ON THAT ONE.

ALERT, HITLER WAS WRONG.

TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF THEFINGER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Stephen: ALL CHINA EDITION.

FOLKS, AS A NEWS MAN IT'S MY JOBTO DELIVER YOU UP TO THE MINUTE

WEATHER EVERY EIGHT YEARS.

I CALL IT WEATHER ON THE ONES.

I'M ONLY DOING IT ONCE.

LET'S GET TO IT.

THIS WEEK'S FORECAST CALLS FORIN DOOR TEMPS OF 6�.

OUTDOOR SIGNIFICANTLY WARMER ORCOLDER DEPENDING WHERE YOU LIVE.

CHECK YOUR LOCAL PAPERS.

THAT WAS THE WEATHER ON THEONES.

OF COURSE THE BIGGEST WEATHERNEWS IS FROM THE GREY PATCH

WHERE CHINA SHOULD BE.

>> TAKE A LOOK AT.

THIS YOU CAN'T SEE MUCH.

IT'S SHANGHAI, CHINA.

>> HUNDREDS OF FLIGHTS WERECANCELED OR DELAYED.

SCHOOLS CLOSED, RESIDENTS URGEDTO STAY IN DOORS AND STABGT

RAOEZ STOP PRODUCTION.

>> AIR QUALITY LEVELS REACH 40TIMES THE SAFE LIFT RECOMMENDED

BY THE WORLD HEALTH CORINGANYIZATION.

>> Stephen: FOLKS YOU CAN SEETHE GREAT WALL OF CHINA FROM

SPACE BUT NOW YOU CAN'T SEE THEGREAT WALL OF CHINA FROM CHINA.

IN RESPONSE CHINESE AUTHORITIESHAVE TAKEN DRASTIC ACTIONS.

SHANGHAI ANNOUNCED THE POLLUTIONSTANDARDS WOULD LOOSEN TO LESSEN

THE NUMBER OF AERTS BEINGISSUED.

NO, IT WORKS.

IT WORKED.

IT'S LIKE SETTING YOUR HOUSE ONFIRE THEN TAKING THE BATTERIES

OUT OF THE SMOKE DETECTOR SO ITDOESN'T WAKE YOU UP.

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A RARE TIPOF THE HAT TO THE CHINESE

GOVERNMENT.

THEY WENT EVEN FARTHER, FOLKS.

LAST WEEK CHINA'S GOVERNMENTNEWS AGENCY INFORMED THE CHINESE

PEOPLE THAT SMOG IS ACTUALLYGOOD FOR THEM WITH A LIST OF

FIVE PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWNBENEFITS.

SAYING IT MAKES PEOPLE MOREUNITED.

IT'S A COMMON ENEMY EVERYWHEREIN CHINA. IT PROMOTES EQUALITY.

BOTH OF RICH AND POOR HAVE TOINHALE THE SAME POLLUTED AIR.

MAKES CHINA MORE AWARE AS AWORLD FACTORY, KNOWLEDGEABLE OF

POLLUTION AND UNITES THEM.

YES, LAST CERTIFICATE BESTMEDICINE ESPECIALLY IF YOU CAN

LAUGH WITHOUT INHALING.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.

[LAUGHING][LAUGHING]

>> Stephen: NEXT ON THE ALLCHINA TIP WAG, NORTH KOREA.

A COUNTRY THAT HAS BEEN LED BYDERANGED MAD MAN.

LIKE KIM IL SUNG WHO ERECTED AHUNDRED AND FORTY THOUSAND

MONUMENTS IN HIS HONOR.

THERE ARE MORE POSTERS FOR KIMIL SUNG IN KOREA THAN AMERICA

HAS POSTERS FOR "ANCHOR MAN 2"THEN OPERATION CRAZY PANTS WAYS

TAKEN OVER BY HIM SON KIMJUNG-UN WHO DEFIED THE WEST

TESTING NUCLEAR WEAPONS.

THEN IN 2011 HIS TINY SHOES WEREFILLED BY HIS SON KIM YUNG-UN.

SOME THOUGHT UN WOULD BE UNABLETO COMPLETE THE FAMILY TYRANTSY.

HE HAS SILENCED HIS DOUBTERS.

>> KIM YUNG-UN HAS SENTENCED HISUNCLE TO DEATH.

>> WHEN KIM WAS ELECTED VICEPRESIDENT OF THE CENTRAL

MILITARY, HIS UNCLE, ONLYCLAPPED HALF HEARTEDLY.

>> TRAGIC STORY.

NOW WE KNOW THE SOUND OF ONEHAND CLAPPING.

CLEARLY --[LAUGHING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Stephen: MERRY CHRISTMAS,

EVERYBODY.

[LAUGHING]>> Stephen: I'M SURE HIS

REMAINING FAMILY MEMBERS AREVERY PROUD.

OR THEY SHOULD BE IF THEY KNOWWHAT'S GOOD FOR THEM.

FINALLY ON THE TEE DUB I LOVESPACE.

ESPECIALLY SHOOTING STARS.

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I FIREI NEVER SEEM TO HIT ANY.

I SHOULD GET A STEP LADDER.

ANYWAYS, FOLKS SINISTER FORCES ARE THREATENING AMERICA

DOMINANTS.

>> CHINA IS THE THIRD NATION TOCARRY OUT A SOFT LANDING ON THE

MOON.

THE PICTURES ARE THE FIRST NEWIMAGES FROM THE MOON SURFACE IN

NEARLY FOUR DECADES.

>> Stephen: CHINA IS ON THEMOON.

I GIVE A WAG OF MY FINGER TO THEMOON.

FORGIVING IT UP SO EASY.

MOON, YOU BELONG TO US.

HOW COULD YOU LET CHINA SOFTLAND ON YOU.

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE INTO NOW.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE INTO GIANTLEAPS AND DEEP IMPACT OR WERE

YOU JUST FAKING IT?

YES, YES WE HAVEN'T BEEN AROUNDSINCE THE 1970s.

YOU KNEW WE WOULD BE BACK.

WE LEFT OUR CAR PARKED AT YOURPLACE.

CHINA DOESN'T LOVE YOU.

THE ONLY REASON THEY'RE GOING TOTHE MOON IS BECAUSE WITH THEIR

POLLUTION IT'S THE ONLY WAY TOSEE IT NOW.

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