Cheating Death - Rage & Blood Transfusions

  • Aired:  01/08/13
  •  | Views: 23,669

People naturally blessed with soul-choking bitterness live longer than the terminally calm, and drinking young blood is a great alternative to exercising. (7:06)

[ LAUGHTER ]

NATION, THEY SAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY.

THAT'S WHY LAST YEAR, I BOUGHT 365 iPHONES.

THIS IS CHEATING DEATH WITH DR. STEPHEN T. COLBERT, DFA.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

QUICK DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR.

I'M AN HONORARY DOCTOR OF FINE ARTS, SO MOST OF MY PATIENTS DO A PRETTY GOOD IMPRESSION OF "THE

SCREAM." AS ALWAYS, CHEATING DEATH IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS.

PRESCOTT: SEE WHAT EVERYONE'S SUING ABOUT!

[ LAUGHTER ]

FIRST UP, AGING.

>> OLD!

>> Stephen: THANKS.

FOLKS, WE'RE ALL SEARCHING FOR THE SECRET TO LONGEVITY.

ME, I'M NOT WORRIED.

BECAUSE ACCORDING MY MEDICAL HISTORY, I'VE BEEN ALIVE EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO PROJECT THAT FORWARD, AND I WILL NEVER DIE.

THAT'S MATH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND FOLKS, THERE IS NEW EVIDENCE THAT THE STEPHEN COLBERT LIFESTYLE WILL ENSURE YEARS FROM

NOW YOU WILL BE SITTING PRETTY, ENJOYING FREE FOOD AT ALL YOUR FRIENDS' FUNERALS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JIM?

>> CAN LOSING YOUR COOL ACTUALLY BE GOOD FOR YOU?

A NEW GERMAN STUDY FOUND PEOPLE WHO EXPRESS THEIR ANGER LIVE TWO YEARS LONGER ON AVERAGE THAN

THOSE WHO BOTTLE UP THEIR RAGE.

>> Stephen: YES, A GERMAN STUDY FOUND THAT EXPRESSING ANGER LEADS TO A LONGER LIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALTHOUGH, WHEN GERMANS EXPRESS THEIR ANGER, OTHERS TEND TO LIVE SHORTER LIVES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FOLKS, I'VE LONG KNOWN RAGE WAS A LIFE SAVER.

I LEARNED IT FROM MY MENTOR RUSH LIMBAUGH BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT HIM YOU GOTTA ASK, "HOW

IS HE STILL ALIVE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

OF COURSE, NOT EVERYONE IS NATURALLY BLESSED WITH SOUL-CHOKING BITTERNESS.

LUCKILY, THE GOOD FOLKS AT PRESCOTT HAVE AN EXCITING WAY TO INDUCE RAGE IN THE TERMINALLY

CALM. INTRODUCING: VACSA-TERNITY A WONDER PILL THAT WILL ADD YEARS TO YOUR LIFE IN A SINGLE DOSE.

NOW, TO ACCESS THE LIFE-EXTENDING CAPSULE SIMPLY TAKE THE PLASTIC OFF THE --

[ LAUGHTER ]

I THINK I (bleep) CHIPPED MY TOOTH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT.

THAT COMES UP, ALL RIGHT.

LIKE THAT.

OKAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY.

-- OKAY NOW, SIMPLY THE --

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

SIMPLY, PRESS CAP UPWARDS WHILE UNDERTURNING FLAP B.

INSERT PHILLIPS HEAD ALLEN WRENCH-- NOT INCLUDED-- AND TURN INTRA-CLOCKWISE WITH LESS THAN

TWO POUNDS OF (bleep).

OPEN UP.

GIVE ME MY PILLS!

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SIDE EFFECTS OF VACSA-TERNITY INCLUDE: ABDOMINAL FOOSBALL, ELBOW-BAGGINS, AND THE HUMPTY HUMP.

A.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OF COURSE, IF YOU USE VACSA-TERNITY AND LIVE FOREVER, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT A STRONG

BODY AND A SHARP MIND!

SO, OUR NEXT SUBJECT: AGING.

>> OLD!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: THAT IS STRANGELY FAMILIAR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MAN HAS LONG SEARCHED FOR THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH.

WE'VE TRIED IT ALL: POTIONS, PLASTIC SURGERY, WATCHING "BENJAMIN BUTTON" WHILE STANDING

NEXT TO A MICROWAVE.

IT'S GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, THERE'S NEW HOPE THAT WE CAN TURN BACK THE CLOCK.

>> SCIENTISTS NOW THINK THAT THEY FOUND HOW TO REVERSE EFFECTS OF AGING.

ACCORDING TO STANFORD UNIVERSITY, IF YOU GET A BLOOD TRANSFUSION FROM SOMEONE YOUNGER

IT COULD HELP IMPROVE LEARNING AND MEMORY.

>> Stephen: YES, THE BLOOD OF THE YOUNG CAN HELP IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY, ALTHOUGH YOU WILL

REMEMBER ONLY XBOX CHEAT CODES AND TAYLOR SWIFT'S EX-BOYFRIENDS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, THE STUDY'S AUTHOR, DOCTOR SAUL VILLEDA, CONNECTED THE CIRCULATORY SYSTEMS OF OLD AND

YOUNG MICE SO THEIR BLOOD COULD MINGLE, RESULTING IN A 20% INCREASE IN CONNECTIONS BETWEEN

BRAIN CELLS FOR THE OLD MICES.

ALSO KNOWN AS THE WORLD'S MOST DISTURBING EPISODE OF PINKY AND THE BRAIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

APPARENTLY ABSORBING THE BLOOD OF THE YOUNG CAN REVERSE THE EFFECTS OF AGING.

WHICH IS GREAT NEWS, OTHERWISE I WOULD HAVE TO RESORT TO SOMETHING DISTURBING, LIKE EXERCISE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FOLKS, IN LIGHT OF THIS BREAKTHROUGH, PRESCOTT IS PROUD TO INTRODUCE VACSA-TERN A

MEDICAL-GRADE YOUNG PERSON HARVESTED STRAIGHT FROM MY INTERN PROGRAM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NICE TO MEET YOU, VACSA-TERN.

>> IT'S JAY.

>> Stephen: SHHH.

NO NAMES.

MAKES IT CREEPY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

JUST FIND THE PRE-INSTALLED SPIGOT ON THE INTERN'S BACK.

AND FILL 'ER UP WITH YOUNG!

MMMMM, MMMMM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WANNA GO SKATEBOARDING! LOLS!

TWITTER!

SKINNY JEANS!

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOW YOU FEELING, JAY?

>> NO ONE EVER CALLS ME!

WHERE ARE MY GLASSES?

HISPANIC PEOPLE STEAL!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: QUIET, GRANDPA!

YOU'RE HARSHING MY BLOOD BUZZ.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU CAN GO NOW.

BUT STAY CLOSE, JAY.

I'M SO THIRSTY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SIDE EFFECTS OF VACSA-TERN INCLUDE TONGUE DEPRESSION, INTERCRANIAL NOUGAT, AND CRAFTMATIC ADJUSTABLE HEAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S IT FOR CHEATING DEATH, BROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS.

REMEMBER OUR MOTTO: ONE MAN'S MEDICAL MALPRACTICE IS ANOTHER MAN'S FREE ANATOMICAL SKELETON!

UNTIL NEXT TIME, I'LL SEE YOU IN HEALTH!